The Beautiful Game
by MadeofScars
Summary: Set three months after the Sidorov incident Kensi and Deeks are sent undercover together as a married couple. Deeks puts his football skills to good use to flush out a suspected terrorist.
1. Chapter 1

The beautiful game

It had been three months since the events with Sidorov had taken place. It had affected the entire team in different ways, no one person was the same after the events that had taken place.

Callen carried the burden of guilt after bringing in Janvier to broker the deal. He felt responsible for the torture that his team mates had endured. He felt a deep sense of shame for trusting Janvier and it resulted in him questioning his capabilities as an agent. Callen had turned in his badge after finding his team mates battered and bloodied bodies. Hetty had been the one to persuade him to stay put, to face his demons head on. Reluctantly he had agreed.

Sam carried his own heavy burden of guilt especially after watching Deeks being tortured for information on his wife. This guilt was made worse by the fact that he had openly questioned Deeks' character beforehand. Those back-handed comments, jokes and cheap-shots at Deeks were something that burdened him everyday. He remembered each and every one of them, they rendered him sleepless at night. Despite apologizing and thanking Deeks until he was blue in the face, Sam still felt a deep sense of self-loathing for the way he had treated him. The burden was made worse by Deeks' inability to bounce back after what had happened to them.

Deeks had withdrawn from the team, while he remained there as the LAPD liaison, he was no longer the man he had once been. He continually opted out of the team's social gatherings, the friday night beers he used to share with Kensi were a thing of the past. He never spoke about what they did to him in the torture room and quite frankly didn't want to.

Kensi's happiness was tied up with Deeks and the fact that he wasn't fully recovered from the torture meant that she wasn't either. Although Deeks had healed physically he was psychologically scarred. Watching him broken and defeated after his release from hospital had been heartbreaking, and an all too familiar scene. He had pushed her away when she had tried to help him face his demons yet she wasn't going to give up on him. She couldn't.

Hetty had felt the fallout from the tension boiling over more than once. She knew that Kensi resented the decision to break up the partnerships. Callen had his meltdown the day they resued Deeks and Sam, yelling at her and attempting to quit. Sam had continually questioned her leadership and judgement on the cases following Sidorov, refusing to take chances like they had done in the past.

The tension amongst the team was clear as the bullpen was clouded in a cloak of silence. Hetty watched her team go about their usual morning routines.

Kensi frowned as she focused on her partner, his head buried in paperwork, refusing to make eye contact with anyone. Sam and Callen shared troubled glances at the two, knowing that things were far from okay.

The high pitched whistle of Eric broke through the silence rounding the team upstairs for a new case.

Deeks trailed behind the others up the stairs, entering quietly and taking a position at the back of the room.

"Ladies and gentlemen we have a new case" Eric pressed numerous buttons on his tablet bringing up pictures of a man on the big screen.

"This is James Taylor a 29 year old from Los Angeles" Deeks tuned out as Eric started giving a run down of the case. He was unable to fully focus opting to stare at the screen expressionless. This did not go unnoticed by Hetty, who sighed, she hated seeing him like this.

"Which brings in Kensi and Deeks." Deeks snapped his head over towards Eric as he heard his name.

"You are going to go in as Mr and Mrs Wilson" Eric pulled up their new fake driver's licenses on the screen.

"Great, a deep cover, just what I need" Deeks sighed as he felt his partner's eyes immediately on him, gauging his reaction. He refused to meet her half-way, instead focusing on the screen in front as if it were his lifeline.

They had just been given a new case. It was fairly standard, there was a new terrorist group suspected to be operating in L.A. They were recruiting at the moment. The man suspected of leading the new group casually played soccer at a local club. Kensi and Deeks were going to go in as a married couple, be-friend the guy, get intel on the group. It would be a semi to long term cover.

Hetty had been the one to mastermind the operation. She hoped that it would be a good distractraction for Deeks after everything that had happened. He had refused her offers of fully paid leave afterall. Hetty could tell that Deeks was a little apprehensive to agree to the assignment with Kensi.

"Mr Deeks, my office please." Hetty announced, leaving the room.

All three agents looked over at Deeks with a concerned look as he quickly hurried to leave the room and escape their sympathetic questioning.

* * *

"Hetty I know I have the good looks like Beckham but I don't actually know how to play soccer." Deeks ran a hand through his hair, clearly agitated as he took a seat in the chair opposite Hetty. The case involved him joining the same soccer team as their target.

"Right you are Mr Deeks, don't worry about that, they are currently only doing pre-season training which means focusing on fitness, the soccer will come later but I feel a torn muscle could be in your future..." Hetty smirked sipping her cup of tea. An injury would conveniently cover for his lack of soccer skills

"Right..." Deeks nodded following Hetty's line of thinking. "But why can't I go in alone?" Deeks somewhat defensively questioned.

"You know why..." Hetty responded without delay.

"Hetty I've been doing the counselling you ordered."

"Sitting in a chair every week not talking about what happened is not counselling Mr Deeks." Hetty sighed, putting her tea cup down.

Deeks sighed. "So what? Now I get a babysitter?"

"You get a wife Mr Deeks, someone to support you, to provide back-up, a friendly shoulder you can lean on..." The undertones in Hetty's sentence were loud and clear.

"Stop with your match-making already, what with the note and everything, what did she do after I kissed her huh Hetty? She took off! She couldn't get away from me fast enough" Deeks raised his voice, standing up.

"Ms Blye's default reaction is to run, you know that. This mission might be a chance for you two to finally talk about these things." Hetty remained calm under the pressure of his angry outburst.

"While finding a terrorist?"

"Yes well that too..." Hetty smirked, sipping again from her tea cup.

"Great, that's just great..." Deeks sarcastically responded. He wondered if this guy really was a threat to national security or if Hetty had masterminded a great big plan to get them to talk about their 'thing'.

* * *

Currently battering the hell out of the punching bag in the gym, Kensi watched as her partner wiped the sweat from his brow.

"Look Deeks are you..."

"I'm good, this assignment is going to be a good break from everything okay?" Deeks sighed, trying to put an end to her questioning before it had even began. He walked towards the showers refusing to continue the conversation.

"Okay..." Kensi watched him walk off. This was going to be one fun assignment.

* * *

Thanks for reading. The next chapter is moving day, any ideas for possible scenarios would be very much appreciated. I have a housewarming party planned for the third chapter :)


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you so much for the kind reviews, I have a few chapters planned out now, we'll see how it goes... Enjoy!

* * *

"Wow, how does Hetty find these places?" Kensi remarked. She was flicking through the brochure of their new home for the forseeable future. It detailed the finer elements of their beautiful four bedroom house with two bathrooms and vast outdoor entertainment area. It came with all of the modern fittings, was situated in a posh neighborhood, and was a very short drive from ops. Only the best would do for a hot-shot lawyer and his firm partner and wife - Mr and Mrs Wilson, the generic suburban couple, Kensi and Deeks' new aliases.

Yet there was nothing generic about these two.

Deeks didn't bother replying to Kensi's comment, he simply sat in the passenger seat twisting the golden wedding band around his finger, deep in thought. He contemplated the mission and wondered how he was going to get through it. Ever since the episode with Sidorov he had barely been holding it together. A barrage of sleepless nights plagued by nightmares had become his new routine. Unable to shake what had happened to him as he replayed the graphic violence over and over again. The haunting sound of his own screams overwhelmed him. The accompanying imagery of Sam being electrocuted flashed before his eyes. The only solace he gained was the fact that he hadn't allowed himself to breakdown in front of the others. Yet how much longer could he keep up his charade?

Kensi offered to let him drive desperately trying to spark something in her partner, a smile, perhaps a conversation. Yet Deeks was quite content to sit in the passenger seat. A far cry from the man who used to challenge her at every step to get behind the wheel.

"Look Deeks, we're supposed to be a happily married couple, you can't just not talk to me like this." Kensi frowned watching as he continued to fidget in his seat, avoiding eye contact with her.

"We're not undercover yet, I'll start pretending once we're at the house." Deeks' tone was harsh, almost cold, as he continued to stare out the window.

"Fine..." Kensi replied frustratedly, focusing her attention on the road in front of her. The excruciatingly silent drive to the house just made her even more uneasy. This wasn't the Deeks she had fallen in love with, he wasn't quiet. He was always driving her insane, never shutting up. There was always a ridiculous article in an obscure magazine that he just had to talk about. Filling the silences was something that he always felt the need to do.

Sometimes you don't know how lucky you are to have something until it's gone.

She would give anything to hear his non-stop babble again.

* * *

"We're here." Kensi announced, breaking the uncomfortable twenty minute silence as she pulled into the driveway.

"Home sweet home." Deeks mumbled in a monotone voice, there was no hint of emotion as he unbuckled his seat belt.

"We better hurry up unloading the car, it's going to be dark soon." Kensi tried to focus on saying things in a matter of fact tone so as to not spark an argument.

A moving truck had already brought the big items of furniture earlier in the day per Hetty's request. Sam and Callen had been stuck with the heavy lifting duties much to their displeasure. Hetty insisted that they did the work together, seeing the task as a team building exercise.

"I'll get the boxes" Deeks announced, walking around to the trunk of the SUV.

"Are you sure you're okay carrying them?" Kensi asked, concern heavy in her voice, she couldn't help it. Deeks had taken severe trauma to his mid-section thanks to Sidorov. She had no idea what state of healing he was currently in as he refused to talk about it.

"I'm fine." Deeks said in a stern tone.

"Okay, thanks." Kensi wasn't going to offer her help, if he wanted to take the boxes in she would let him.

Kensi busied herself inside unpacking the smaller items as Deeks began bringing in the things from the car.

* * *

"Hello there." A blonde woman, approximately in her 30s sauntered over to Deeks as he bent over to pick up another box. She shamelessly admired his behind with an appreciative smile as she approached him.

"Oh hello." Deeks put the box down on the driveway, extending his hand to the woman.

"I'm Mary, I live across the street."

"Matt, nice to meet you." Deeks shook her hand, noticing the expensive jewelery dangling from her wrist.

"So you are moving in here I gather?" Mary pointed at the box on the driveway, her heavily manicured nails catching Deeks' eye immediately.

"Duh captain obvious" Deeks bit back the reply in his head as he smiled "Yep just signed the papers today." Casually he put his hands in his pockets, wondering how long the formalities were going to last.

"Oh wow, you don't waste anytime" Mary laughed, slightly exaggerating for Deeks' benefit.

"No ma'am, my wife was very insistent." Deeks wanted nothing more than to shut himself inside and be done with the conversation. Dropping the 'w' bomb would hopefully see the woman on her way.

"Oh you're married?" A slight hint of disappointment was conveyed in Mary's tone as she took a slight step back from Deeks.

"Afraid so." Deeks held up his left hand for emphasis, the shiny golden band in clear view.

"All the good one's are taken." Mary joked.

Deeks laughed, it was a genuine laugh, perhaps the first real laugh he had had in months. The comment brought him back to the last time he had gone deep undercover married to Kensi. One of the 'RobaBob's' had said the exact same thing as they flirted with him.

"I thought I'd try my luck anyway." Mary smiled, slightly embarrassed "I won't hold you up, it was nice meeting you."

"You too, I'll see you around." Deeks sighed in relief as the woman left, continuing on his mission to unload the car. He was impressed with how easily he had fit into the new cover. He had always been good at putting on a facade, some would say it was what he did best, undercover was his thing afterall. He didn't mind pretending to be somebody else, it was afterall easier than being Detective Marty Deeks, almost tortured to death three months earlier.

Kensi was in the kitchen unpacking when Deeks walked inside the house.

"Just met one of the neighbors." Deeks casually said as he poured himself a glass of water.

"Already? We just got here." Kensi was a little surprised, hoping that it hadn't fazed him too much.

"I know...I guess she saw something she liked" Deeks joked. They were married now, it was time to put on the facade or at least try to.

Kensi smiled brightly at him, appreciating his use of humor, it was the first time he had said something remotely funny in a while. For the first time in a long time it felt like the old Deeks was back.

"Look..."

"I gotta unload the rest of the stuff" Deeks spoke over the top of her leaving to collect the remaining items from the car. He couldn't face her questioning if he was alright or her checking to make sure things between them were okay. He couldn't deal with that conversation, not yet at least.

* * *

"What do you want for dinner?" Kensi asked casually walking over to Deeks who was currently sitting on the couch relaxing in front of their ridiculously oversized television coutesy of Hetty.

"Whatever, I'm not fussed." Deeks continued to stare at the basketball game flashing before him in crystal clear HD quality.

"Pizza okay?" Kensi couldn't be bothered attempting to cook.

"Yeah, fine." Deeks took a swig from the beer in his hand almost dismissively.

"Okay good, I'm going to finish unpacking my stuff." Kensi turned to walk away but was interrupted by a knock at the front door. Looking through the peep hole she could see that it was their new next door neighbors.

"Great..." Kensi muttered to herself waving for Deeks to come to the door. Deeks turned the television off making his way over to her.

"Showtime" Deeks smiled at her before opening the door up.

"Hello" Deeks cheerily greeted the husband and wife standing before him with a small child in tow.

"Hi there, we just wanted to come over and welcome you both to the neighborhood, I'm Jeff and this is my wife Rebecca."

"And who is this little cutey?" Deeks interrupted Jeff before he had the chance to introduce the little girl currently smiling brightly at him. She was exposing her cute gummy grin to Deeks.

"This is Alyssa" Jeff said proudly kissing his daughter's forehead.

"She just turned six months old." Rebecca added.

"Well she is adorable." Deeks commented. "Almost makes me want one of my own" Deeks added turning towards Kensi with his trademark grin. A look she had missed so much as Deeks put his arm around her, pulling her into his side.

"Did he really just say that?" Kensi thought to herself as she tried to retain her composure. The butterflies currently fluttering in her stomach were not helping the situation. Neither was the firm hold Deeks had on her waist, the warmth of his hand penetrating through the soft material of her dress.

"This is my wife Jennifer" Deeks announced breaking Kensi's trance, she desperately needed to focus on something other than the contact she was currently sharing with Deeks. Warmth and contentment radiated from her as she looked up at him lovingly. The sparkle that had been missing in his crystal clear blue eyes had returned. He seemed genuinely happy in that moment.

Kensi reluctantly turned her attention towards the neighbors, feeling the need to acknowledge their presence. Hopefully they hadn't noticed her staring at Deeks too much.

"And I'm Matt." Deeks extended his hand towards Jeff adding a polite "nice to meet you" for good measure.

"Likewise" Jeff nodded his head, he had a firm handshake and judging by his haircut he clearly had a military background.

"We won't hold you up, I'm sure that you have a lot of unpacking to do... you should come around for dinner sometime" Jeff offered.

"That'd be great." Kensi replied.

"Fantastic, well we'll see you around." Jeff turned towards his daughter "Are you going to wave goodbye sweetie" Jeff asked.

Deeks accepted the challenge of making the little girl wave at him by flapping his arm wildly to see if she would copy his motion. The grin on his face only widened as the little girl waved back at him.

"That a girl!" Deeks smiled.

Kensi watched the interaction between the two, a smile tugging at her heart, he really was amazing with children.

"I think she likes you." Rebecca laughed, watching her daughter giggle with joy.

The neighbors said their goodbyes shortly after.

"They were really nice" Kensi smiled as she shut the door, their neighbors retreating down the path.

Deeks withdrew his arm from around her waist replying with a quiet "yeah" as he returned to the couch.

Kensi instantly missed the contact knowing that he was returning to his default setting. He was shutting down on her again and quite frankly it broke her heart. Seeing how happy he was just a few minutes earlier she knew that it had all just been a facade.

She hoped that this case would bring them closer together. That somehow it would allow Deeks to finally open up to her about those two days he was tortured by Sidorov and his goons. That maybe they could finally talk about the kiss they had avoided talking about for three months.

* * *

*Later that night*

They had barely talked since the neighbors had left. They shared dinner silently on opposite ends of the couch using the television as a distraction to avoid each other.

When the silence was eventually broken, it unsurprisingly involved the topic of further isolation. "I'm sleeping on the couch." Deeks announced rather abruptly as Kensi finished the last slice of pizza. He was sitting as far away from her as possible.

"Deeks..."

"We're not under surveillance, we haven't made contact with our target yet, so I'm gonna sleep here okay?" He wasn't asking for her permission, he was telling her.

"Yeah okay..." Kensi sighed, heading upstairs without any further discussion on the matter. She would allow the tears that had been threatening to fall to do so in the shower, away from him.

Deeks was relieved that she hadn't pushed him on the matter. He could tell that she wanted to yet wasn't able to find the words as she rushed upstairs. He knew that he couldn't sleep on the couch once they had made contact with their target. There were too many risks involved. He would have to deal with the sleeping arrangements when the time came. For now he was content with sleeping on the couch. It was the preventative measure he had to take. He couldn't risk having her see him break down after a nightmare.

* * *

Surely enough once 3am rolled by Deeks was in the midst of a full-blown nightmare. This one consisted of Sidorov threatening to inject him with a needle if he didn't answer his questions.

Deeks violently shook from side to side in his sleep as he struggled and tried to pull against the ties holding him in place. The dream was so vivid that he could recall the smell of his own blood as he begged Sidorov not to inject the needle into his arm.

Deeks was covered in sweat and panting for air as he woke up. Throwing the blanket off himself he removed his t-shirt, feeling like it was constricting around his throat, suffocating him. He used the dry portion of his shirt to wipe the beads of sweat from his face. The only comfort he found was in the fact that he hadn't screamed the house down, something that often happened when he was at home. Several nights he would find Monty terrified and barking up a storm to try and help his owner wake up.

Perhaps there was some kind of subconscious recognition on the part of Deeks whereby he knew that screaming would alert Kensi and so he was able to keep it at bay. Yet the question remained - how much longer could he hide this from her?

Walking over to the fridge he poured himself a glass of water, wondering how long he could go on like this. Rubbing a hand slowly down his face, Deeks tried to recover from the haunting images running through his head.

"Hey you're up..." Kensi quietly announced herself before entering the kitchen so as not to startle him.

"Huh yeah, couldn't sleep." Deeks replied, drinking down the water quickly, trying desperately to gain his composure. It had been ten minutes since he had woken up yet the adrenaline was still pumping through his veins, his heart racing.

"Me neither..." Kensi confessed, "you want a hot chocolate?" She offered putting the jug on.

"No thanks" Deeks replied distancing himself from her as he leaned against the dining room table.

"Are you okay?" Kensi asked, the moonlight streaming inside the window revealed his dishevelled features, his hair was a mess, she could see the large bags under his eyes.

"Yeah just need to get some sleep." He replied, running a hand through his wayward hair.

Kensi nodded, knowing that he was far from alright.

"Is the couch comfortable enough? You could always..."

"The couch is fine, night." Deeks cut her off knowing that she was going to offer to share the bed with him. Returning to the living room he collapsed on the couch with a deep sigh.

"Night." Kensi whispered, quickly making her hot chocolate and returning to the bedroom upstairs _alone_.


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks so much for the reviews, favorites and follows. A special thanks to jmlane1966! What a lovely review, thank you so much. This chapter is really long, I guess I got a little carried away. Enjoy!

* * *

"We're having a housewarming party tonight" Deeks yelled into the open house as he closed the door behind him.

Kensi's eyes widened, she seriously hoped that she had mis-heard him. "We are?" She asked, confusion written all over her face as she rushed down the stairs.

"Yep, a bunch of the boys are coming over." Deeks replied casually. Kensi noticed his sweat drenched t-shirt immediately yet tried hard not to focus on the way that it was clinging tightly to his body. He had just returned home from his second training session with the team.

Unceremoniously Deeks dumped his gear bag down onto the floor, making his way towards the bathroom.

Kensi followed after him trying to get more information about their impromptu party. "Well how many are coming? I'll need to go to the supermarket."

Deeks peeked out from behind the bathroom door, dropping the bomb on her, "the whole team."

"What?!" Kensi could kill him right now, he was acting like it wasn't a big deal.

"I gotta get close to these guys _Jen_" Deeks emphasized his point by using her cover name. He was being a total asshole and quite frankly, he didn't care.

"Not all of them!" Kensi shouted back as he shut the door and started running the shower.

Kensi gritted her teeth as she grabbed her car keys. Running down to the supermarket to get supplies for a huge party was not how she planned on spending her afternoon. Had he really thought this through? They had no other friends to invite to the party, wouldn't that look suspicious? Kensi just hoped that some of the guys would bring their significant others because a party full of testosterone just screamed trouble. What if they trashed the house? Hetty would kill them.

What the hell was she going to get at the supermarket anyway? Sure alcohol was a given but in terms of food she was absolutely clueless. She wasn't exactly an expert when it came to cooking. She did however know someone who was. Quickly reaching for her cellphone as she waited at a red light Kensi dialled her mom and put her on speakerphone.

"Mom, hi." Kensi smiled as her mother answered the phone after the second ring.

"Oh hi sweetheart, have you wrapped up the case already?" Julia asked, surprised to hear from her daughter so soon. Kensi had told her about the undercover mission before she left.

"I wish..." Kensi muttered, pausing to regain her composure "I actually need your help with something, we are throwing a housewarming party tonight and I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do for food" Kensi confessed. She had never been interested in the kitchen, that was her mother's domain. She was always too busy following her father around. She could kill wildlife and feed herself for years, yet she couldn't bake a simple cake.

"Oh I see" Julia smiled, a strong feeling of warmth coming over her. Kensi was actually calling her for help. Julia had often brought her home-cooked meals, especially after hard cases. She was forever worrying about her daughter's poor diet, pleading for her to eat better.

Julia spent the next several minutes giving Kensi a list of ingredients along with easy to follow recipe ideas for snacks.

"Oh my gosh, thank you so much mom"

"You're welcome, you can call me anytime, you know that right?"

"Yeah I do mom, thank you."

"Bye sweetie, good luck, I love you!" Julia rushed to get in all of the words before she ended the call. Kensi smiled as she thought about her relationship with her mother. It had finally reached the point where Kensi wasn't afraid to ask her for help and advice.

Kensi rushed up the aisles like a woman possessed, knowing that she didn't have much time to spare. Thanks to her mom's advice she was feeling a little better about the night.

"Wow you having a party tonight girl?" The female check-out operator commented as Kensi loaded the conveyer belt up.

"Yes, apparantly my husband likes throwing impromptu parties" Kensi replied, the bitterness in her voice was loud and clear as she put the items down with a thud.

"Let me guess, he's at home relaxing while you're running around getting everything ready?" The woman sympathized with her, scanning the items through.

"Yep." Kensi nodded.

"Men." The woman shook her head in disgust.

* * *

Kensi began carrying the numerous bags of shopping inside the house, dumping them just inside the front door. She immediately noticed Deeks in the kitchen wearing only a towel wrapped around his waist. Momentarily taken aback by the sight of him wearing next to nothing Kensi blushed slightly averting her gaze.

Composing herself she loudly placed the bags on the counter making sure that he knew she was home. "You just got out of the shower now?" She asked incredulously, she had been at least an hour at the supermarket, surely he hadn't taken all of that time in the shower. Yet as she looked around the house it was clear that he hadn't made any effort to clean up, there were still boxes sitting around waiting to be unpacked.

"Yep." Deeks replied nonchalantly as he sipped from a bottle of water.

Kensi's bottom lip dropped as she looked around the house wondering how she was going to get everything ready in time.

Upon seeing her reaction, Deeks began to feel guilty for being such a prick to her. It wasn't her fault that he was so messed up right now. "Don't worry, I'll clean up and help after I get changed." He offered, suddenly heading towards her.

Kensi swallowed nervously as he approached her. She was completely unsure of his motivations as he stepped into her personal space.

"Can't let my wife do all the work now can I?" Deeks said leaning in and kissing her on the cheek before leaving to get changed.

Kensi remained frozen to the spot, touching her cheek, she wondered what the hell had just happened. One minute he was cold with her and the next he was kissing her? She was so confused right now. There was no one around to see his little display of affection so why did he do it? Was he only practising for later in the night? Kensi's thoughts were all over the place as she began preparing the food for the party.

* * *

Deeks quickly cleaned up around the house, making short work of the task. The outdoor living area would provide the perfect location for the party so he didn't fuss too much on the house being tidy.

Kensi was busy in the kitchen preparing snacks for their guests, following her mother's instructions word for word. She watched Deeks through the window as he fired up the barbeque. She wondered what was going through his mind at that point. He seemed to be deep in concentration about something judging by the far away look in his eyes. He was staring off into the distance, in a trance-like state. She hadn't seen him like that very often, a serious expression on his face.

She put the dip in the fridge before making her way outside. She wanted to see if Deeks needed help with anything. Well, that's the excuse she would use, really she just needed to make sure that he was alright.

"Do you need help with anything out here?" Kensi asked casually walking over to him.

Deeks was slightly startled by her voice, he was a million miles away. Yet he composed himself enough to give her a reply. "No thanks, I got it." Deeks focused his attention on the barbeque he was supposed to be preparing.

Kensi immediately noticed how distracted he was and began to worry about how that would look to their guests. She tried to calm him down by bringing up a casual conversation. "So what are these guys like?" Kensi sat down on one of the deck chairs opposite him. He had his back to her, busying himself with the barbeque.

"They're guys." Deeks shrugged, keeping his attention focused on the barbeque.

"And Taylor, what's he like?" Kensi hoped that talking about their target would spark a bit more conversation from her partner.

"He seems normal." Deeks replied, sipping from his bottle of beer, he finally turned around to face her.

"Okay..." Kensi studied his face briefly, noticing the slight frown etched on his face. She decided to change track a little bit. "So how are we playing it tonight?" She asked, watching closely to gauge his reaction.

"Why like a happily married couple of course" Deeks sarcastically replied in a forced tone turning back to the barbeque.

"Right, got it..." She turned away from him. 'God it was like pulling teeth' Kensi thought before silently cursing herself, it was the wrong analogy to make given what Deeks had been through.

"I'm going to get changed." Kensi announced. walking away quickly. She couldn't take much more of this, of seeing him like this, seeing him so down. She felt helpless, everytime she had tried to reach out to him in the past she had been turned down. Deeks didn't even seem to want to make an effort to talk to her anymore.

Deeks watched on as she walked away, her posture let him know exactly how she was feeling. Any other time he would go running after her, asking her if she was alright, if there was anything that he could do to make things better. Yet now he simply watched her walk away.

* * *

Kensi changed into a little black dress, it was elegant and expensive and looked incredible once she added the final accessory. It was a beautiful silver necklace, a new piece that Hetty had added to her wardrobe. While she had to sign several documents for insurance purposes, it was totally worth the paperwork. The diamonds caught the light beautifully as they sparkled, revealing a dazzling display of colors.

Jennifer was in many ways the direct opposite of Kensi. She had the model childhood, the perfect professional career and had married the man of her dreams. She definitely wasn't afraid to show off the girfts her husband had showered her with. The ring on her finger matched her necklace as the diamonds sparkled in the light. It also weighed a tonne and cost a small fortune. How Hetty managed to get away with these in her budget Kensi would never know.

Kensi stared at her appearance in the mirror for several minutes embracing her cover story. Applying a bright red shade of lipstick and adding a dash of perfume she was ready to head back downstairs. She was halfway down the stairs when the doorbell rang.

"Matt, honey your visitors have arrived!" Kensi yelled. Deeks immediately dropped what he was doing and came running towards the front door where Kensi was already waiting. She didn't miss the way his eyes widened as he saw her new outfit.

"Wow, I feel under-dressed" Deeks said admiring her form hugging dress, his eyes appreciatively looking at her. He hadn't done that for a long time, Kensi could hardly contain her smile.

"You look fine." Kensi reassured him, grabbing hold of his arm, she rubbed her hand up and down the bare skin. He was wearing a v-neck t-shirt, casual attire fit for relaxing on the weekend. She savored the feeling as her hand glided up and down his arm, she reached the hard muscle of his bicep, squeezing it slightly. She told herself that it was part of the show yet deep down she knew why she was doing it.

"Wait." She reached out to brush a stray piece of hair away from his face, letting her hand linger on his cheek for a few seconds. "All done."

Deeks felt slightly uncomfortable at first, trying not to squirm as she touched him. Yet her touch was so delicate, her hands warm against his skin. He was sure that she could see the goosebumps break out on his skin as he reacted to her touch. The electricity that this small gesture was generating was worrying, he desperately needed a distraction. Quickly reaching for the door handle he opened it up revealing their first guest. It was a man in his thirties with a slightly receding hairline.

"Mikey how are you man? Glad you could come" Deeks shook the man's hand as he introduced him to Kensi "this is my wife Jennifer." Kensi shook Mike's hand, letting her attention drift behind him. She could see three men arriving in the background with a large carton of beer. "Matt my man, this is gonna be awesome!" A young man yelled with enthusiasm as he ran up the path towards their house.

"No way, _this_ is your wife?" The man joked as he looked at Kensi with a huge grin. "Yeah that's Jen." Deeks smiled as he introduced Kensi to Trent, the jock of the team. He was a young, testosterone fueled goofball, a position that Deeks would usually lap up.

"Nice to meet you." Kensi said politely offering her hand for a handshake. Trent had other ideas as he brought her hand up to his lips, "the pleasure is all mine." He purred, kissing the back of her hand.

"Stop hitting on my wife" Deeks joked, playfully whacking the younger man in the back of the head. The two older men behind Trent playfully shoved him inside the house. "We're sorry about him, I'm Justin and this is my brother Jacob" The guy said, shaking Kensi's hand.

Deeks pointed the guests in the direction of the outdoor area as he and Kensi went to get them some drinks.

"Did you say no partners or something?" Kensi asked quietly as they moved into the kitchen.

"I may have said something like that..." Deeks smirked.

"Great..." Kensi pretended to smile, conveying her displeasure to him through her gritted teeth.

* * *

Their target James Taylor was the next guest to arrive, he was a very quiet mannered guy, polite and well-spoken as Deeks introduced him to Kensi.

"Thank you for inviting me around." James said to Kensi as Deeks left to attend to the barbeque and the guests outside.

"No problem, Matt really wanted to have you guys around." Kensi replied, offering him a beer, he declined informing her that he couldn't stay for long.

"So what brings you two to this part of L.A?" James asked as the two settled into talking in the living room.

"We're actually planning on starting a family soon so we were looking for a nice neighborhood, our apartment in the city really wasn't the best location for raising kids." Kensi replied, following the script perfectly.

"Yeah of course, Matt is a lawyer right?" James asked.

"Yeah, we both are actually, that's how we met." Kensi smiled as she walked towards a photo on the mantlepiece handing it to James. It was a fake photo taken of them standing together at the office christmas party with members of their law firm. The two were standing next to each other smiling, it was a lovely cover photo.

"That's great." James smiled at the photo.

"So... are you married? Girlfriend?" Kensi asked nervously, she didn't want to seem like she was pressing the guy for information.

"Divorced." James replied simply, placing the photo back above the mantlepiece.

"Oh I'm sorry." Kensi replied.

"Don't be, it was for the best." There was a slight hint of bitterness in his voice which he tried to cover up by offering a smile. "Uh...may I ask where your bathroom is..."

"Oh yeah sure, right through there, second door on the left" Kensi replied with a warm smile. She knew that they were exposing themselves to the target by letting him through their house but she didn't really have a choice. He was clearly uncomfortable talking about his ex-wife. Kensi didn't want to raise James' suspicions by watching where he went inside the house so she went outside.

Deeks was occupied with the barbeque talking to a few of the guys.

"That smells amazing." Kensi said leaning into Deeks' side, she rested her head on his shoulder. A normal gesture for a loving wife to make, it wasn't out of place given the circumstances.

"Of course it does, I'm making it" Deeks replied, flashing her a dazzling smile.

Kensi poked her tongue out at him "Ick!" She pretended to be sick as she pulled away from him.

A few of the guys joined in with her, mocking Deeks. "You better be able to back that up Matt." One of the guys yelled.

"Of course I can." Deeks replied, flipping the meat skillfully as he pronounced himself 'king of the barebque'.

James re-joined them outside a few minutes later, bringing relief to Kensi who was worried that she'd scared him off.

The phone inside their house began to ring. "Excuse me." Kensi said, stepping away from the guys.

"Hello." Kensi answered casually, knowing that James was just outside.

"Hey Kensi we've had an electronic device planted in your house" Eric said. The two tech geeks had planted technology that monitored electronic devices coming into the house.

"Oh my gosh, where abouts did you leave it?" Kensi replied, altering the conversation for security purposes.

"It's in your lounge." Eric replied. She could hear him typing away on his keyboard in the background.

"Oh that's great news, I'm glad you found it." Kensi replied, as Eric wished her good luck with the mission.

"Look mom I'll call you back tonight, we're having a housewarming party, I love you." Kensi said, hanging up the phone.

* * *

Kensi walked up to Deeks after finishing the phone call. "Sorry guys, can I borrow him for a second please?" Kensi asked.

"Be our guest" Mike replied smiling at her "I'll cook this barbeque properly while you're gone" he joked, punching Deeks lightly on the arm. He took over the cooking duties as Deeks stepped away. "I'll be right back, don't burn it." Deeks teased, following behind Kensi. She led him into one of the spare bedrooms, somewhere the device wouldn't be able to pick up their conversation.

Kensi shut the door quietly behind them as Deeks tried to read her expression. There was definitely something wrong judging by the frown on her face. She approached Deeks quickly, not wanting to show him that she was nervous. Her high heels made her nearly equal in height to him which helped with her objective as she leaned towards his right ear. She didn't miss the fact that he slightly pulled back from her, maybe he thought that she was going to kiss him? Quickly rejecting that thought from her mind Kensi spoke.

"We've got a device planted in the house." Her breath was warm against Deeks' ear and he could smell the perfume that she was wearing. It was an unfamiliar scent to him, clearly a part of Jennifer's character. Deeks wasn't complaining though, it was just another smell that he would add to the sunshine and gunpowder that he loved so much. Her being this close to him was driving him nuts, her smell, her breath, everything about the proximity that they were sharing was dangerous. Her hand rested on the back of his head, holding him in place as she delivered the news. His blonde locks were soft, he had clearly used conditioner in his shower earlier. He was trying his best to remain calm as he fought back the urge to shudder against her touch.

Kensi pulled back slightly trying to gauge his reaction to her news. The two shared a look of concern, the situation had suddenly become very serious. Why would the guy plant a device if he was innocent? Deeks knew that they would have to fully embrace their cover, something that absolutely terrified him. If it were anybody else he would be able to play the role, to fake it, yet with her... It was different. There were way too many feelings involved.

After a long period of silence Deeks leaned into her ear this time, "do you know where?" His voice was low and slightly shaky.

"It's in the lounge." Kensi whispered in response.

"Okay." Deeks nodded, "we better get back out there." He had to distance himself from her, she was too close, far too close.

"Right" Kensi replied, turning towards the door, she knew that he was uncomfortable about what had just happened and it killed her. She tried to hide the hurt but it was written all over her face.

"Wait" Deeks called out to her across the room, her hand was on the door handle yet she stilled her actions.

"We have to look happy when we go back out there" Deeks said, walking up behind her. She wasn't turning around and he knew why. Her right hand continued to clutch the door handle, desperately grasping at it for support. Deeks made a bold move and took hold of her left hand. Slowly she turned her body towards him, looking up at his face. There was a silent plea written in his deep blue eyes, asking her to pretend. They had to play the happily married couple despite the fact that they were barely communicating.

Understanding that he was reaching out to her, Kensi smiled, squeezing his hand gently.

The facade was back.

* * *

"Babe is it okay if we watch the game?" Deeks asked as Kensi began loading the dishwasher. The meal portion of the night was over yet Deeks clearly had plans to continue the party long into the night.

"Like I can say no..." Kensi thought to herself, she could see the guys watching them from outside, anticipating her answer. "Of course" she replied, forcing a smile.

"Great, thanks hun." Deeks kissed her on the cheek as he headed out to tell the boys to come inside.

Kensi disappeared upstairs to her room not wanting to intrude on their 'man time'.

She heard them filing outside a little after midnight, quite frankly she was relieved that it was all over. The loud yelling was funny for a few minutes but after an hour it started to give her a headache.

After a long period of silence she began to wonder why Deeks hadn't come to see her. It didn't really surprise her though, he hadn't even thanked her for getting the supplies for the party. She went to find him yet found no one downstairs, just a litter of empty beer cans and popcorn all over the floor.

She cursed quietly as she picked up after them. Ordinarily she wouldn't bother cleaning up the mess yet she felt an obligation to keep the house nice. It was their cover house, it was tied to Hetty. She couldn't exactly leave it in its current state.

* * *

A little after 4am Kensi's restless sleep was interrupted by a knock on the door. Cautiously approaching it Kensi looked through the peep hole.

"Oh my gosh." Kensi muttered closing her robe around her tightly before opening the door.

"Sorry Jen, he got a bit hammered." Trent apologetically informed her as he held up her very intoxicated partner.

"Yeah sorry Jen!" Deeks slurred sarcastically as Trent brought him inside.

Kensi stood on the other side of Deeks, grabbing hold of his arm as they led him over to the couch.

"Where the hell did you guys go?" Kensi yelled. Deeks stunk of a mixture of alcohol and cigarettes.

"We went to a few clubs, had a great time, got some numbers" Trent patted his pocket. It was full of napkins with names and numbers scribbled down.

"Yeah man, damn right you did" Deeks fist pumped Trent before lying back on the couch, he was fast asleep within thirty seconds. Kensi shook her head, this was not her partner, he didn't do things like this, he didn't get drunk and party all night.

"Thanks for bringing him home." Kensi said turning to Trent, she was genuinely relieved to have him back.

"No problem, look I shouldn't have let him drink so much, it's totally my fault, I'm sorry." Trent apologized.

"You didn't drink anything?" Kensi asked noticing that Trent was steady on his feet and fairly coherent.

"No ma'am, alcohol would take me away from the ladies, got to be at the top of my game to meet beautiful women." Trent bragged.

Kensi rolled her eyes yet laughed, there was something about him that reminded her of Deeks. The ego, the charm, the cockiness. It screamed Deeks, minus a few years of course, but there was definitely a strong resemblance there.

"Okay well, thank you, how are you getting home?" Kensi asked, folding her arms across her chest, closing her robe which had slightly fallen open.

"Cab" Trent replied as he looked out the window. "Oh shit." The street was empty, the cab had already left.

"You can stay here if you'd like?" Kensi offered. "We have spare rooms, they're not made up yet but I can easily set you up for the night." She remembered reading his profile, he was a harmless kid and he had ensured that Deeks arrived home safely.

"Thank you." Trent smiled, offering to help Kensi make up the bed.

"So how long have you two been married?" Trent asked as he folded the corner of the bed.

"Three years."

"Wow, that's cool. I can't see myself married."

"I wonder why?" Kensi bit back the retort in her head. "Too busy playing the field?" Kensi joked.

"Something like that." Trent laughed. "Hey, thanks for the bed."

"No problem, I better go check on my idiot husband and make sure he hasn't puked everywhere." Kensi joked as she left to check on Deeks.

He was currently snoring his head off on the couch, one arm dangling down to the floor. Kensi placed a bucket beside the couch for insurance purposes. How would Hetty react to a cleaning bill? Yikes, that was a thought not worth thinking about.

Kensi took the opportunity to watch Deeks in a rare unguarded moment. He looked beyond scruffy, which is saying something, this was Deeks afterall. His hair was all over the place and there was a slight trail of drool dripping from his mouth onto his pillow.

Kensi shook her head as she looked down at her partner, she was worried about him. This was the most peaceful and relaxed he had looked in a long time. Gently brushing the hair from his face she slowly leaned down and kissed him on the forehead. "Night" she whispered, taking one last look at him before turning the light off. They would talk about this in the morning.


	4. Chapter 4

Hi everyone, thanks so much for the reviews, sorry this took so long to update. In reply to the guest question about when Kensi and Deeks will get together and if it will be when they are undercover, I'm really not sure yet. I write things when inspiration strikes, I don't really plan anything out, sorry. Also, I rated this M because I'm going to go into Deeks' torture in detail, not because I'm planning on writing a lot of x rated stuff, sorry to disappoint :P

* * *

"What the hell are you doing?" Deeks complained as Kensi literally dragged him upstairs, pulling him by his arm. He stumbled on the first few steps, a little worse for wear after his night out. The throbbing pain in his head was intense like a vice grips had been attached and was slowly applying more and more pressure. Deeks fought hard to hold down the contents in his stomach, the nausea threatening to overcome him at any moment. He was still wearing his clothes from the previous night, the unpleasant stench of alcohol radiated from him as it seeped from his pores.

Deeks' hair was perhaps the most unruly Kensi had ever seen it, a flurry of wayward blonde locks splayed out in all different directions. As she studied his face she began to notice just how tired and rundown he was. The dark circles under his eyes were more pronounced than usual, it's like he had aged a year overnight. She pushed those thoughts aside however, replacing them with furious rage at his behaviour the previous night.

Kensi gritted her teeth and used a hushed tone as she explained her actions to Deeks. "Trent is asleep in the guest bedroom." Kensi said shutting the door to the main bedroom behind her, positioning herself firmly in front of it.

Deeks awaited his upcoming lecture, wishing that he was still asleep.

"What the hell were you thinking writing yourself off like that?" Kensi said pacing around in front of him. She was able to control the volume of her voice, remaining calm despite her feelings. The years of NCIS training had served her well. Kensi folded her arms across her chest, awaiting his explanation. It had better be a good one because she was fuming.

"Uh, it's called being method when you go undercover, I've got to get close to these guys." Deeks replied, shrugging it off like it wasn't a big deal.

His lax attitude was really starting to rub her the wrong way. First it was the housewarming party and then the drunken night out. Now this? He was totally out of line as far as she was concerned. To make matters worse he looked genuinely bothered by her questioning him about it.

A frown spread across Kensi's face, unimpressed by his bullshit answer. "Taylor went home early last night, you weren't even out with him were you?" Kensi asked. Her eyes dropped to the floor as disappointment swept across her face. Part of her wondered if he had gotten drunk because of her, because of their mission.

"No, but..."

"Dammit Deeks... This isn't you, you don't drink to the point where you can't stand up." Kensi replied, her voice wavering slightly as she spoke with intense emotion. She combed her fingers through her long, dark hair, sighing in frustration. Why was he being like this?

Deeks remained nonchalant as he repeated his earlier assertion to her, "I was undercover..." His voice was steady. There was absolutely no sign of any remorse for his actions.

"Really? You're sure there's not more to it?" Kensi asked, her steely gaze dared him to reply. She got the answer to her question; he could barely hold eye contact with her.

Damn her and those beautiful brown eyes. He couldn't lie to her when she looked at him like that. "I was undercover, let it go." Deeks said. His tone had changed drastically, he was giving her a stern warning to back off this time.

If Trent wasn't there Kensi would have pushed him. However, Trent was there and common sense had to prevail for the sake of the mission.

After what felt like hours of glaring at him, Kensi finally gave in. "Fine, like you'd talk to me anyways..." She threw her arms up into the air as she turned and left the room. She slammed the door on the way out knowing that it would do wonders for Deeks' hangover.

"Trent hi." Kensi smiled nervously, inadvertantly having woken him up.

Trent was wearing a sleepy expression on his face as he rubbed his eyes. "I'm sorry, I hope I haven't caused you two any problems." Trent said nervously, scratching the back of his head.

"Of course not, don't worry about it, the shower is that way if you want one." Kensi gestured towards the bathroom. She wanted to get out of the house as quickly as possible.

Trent sighed, still feeling terrible about the whole situation. "Thanks."

"Towels are in the cupboard to the left." Kensi called out as she retreated down the hallway.

Deeks came downstairs a few seconds later running into Trent.

"Look sorry bro, I didn't mean to get you in trouble last night" Trent said as he grabbed a towel out of the cupboard.

"It's fine man, trust me, last night was worth it." Deeks replied, plastering a fake smile on his face. "Go take your shower I'm gonna brew us some strong ass coffee" Deeks was putting on a brave front despite feeling like shit.

* * *

Kensi returned to the house after an exhausting two hour run. She had needed that time to calm down, Deeks was really pushing his luck. Kensi had briefly considered calling Hetty and asking her to pull them from this assignment. Yet she couldn't bring herself to do it out of respect for their partnership, their thing. She felt like she owed it to him to try and talk to him again, that's what Deeks would do if the positions were reversed.

Kensi was relieved to find no sign of Trent as she stepped inside the house. A warm, relaxing shower was all she wanted at the moment. She closed the door quietly behind her assuming that Deeks would be asleep. She got a shock when he called out to her.

"Jen!"

Kensi inhaled a deep breath trying to brush all the negative thoughts from her mind as she walked into the lounge. He was dressed in a fresh set of clothes looking a lot less dishevelled than earlier. "What?"

Deeks couldn't help it as his eyes wandered over her body, she was only wearing a sports bra and black tights afterall. His eyes briefly settled over her stomach noticing that she had taken her belly button ring out for the operation. Deeks quickly looked up at her face as Kensi angrily cleared her throat. "Look I'm sorry about waking you up, it won't happen again." Deeks said.

Kensi's eyes travelled away from Deeks' towards the television cabinet, contemplating her next words to him. She knew that the recording device was hidden somewhere inside the room so she couldn't speak her mind despite how much she may have wanted to. "It wasn't the waking me up that pissed me off." Kensi replied storming out of the lounge. He was only apologizing because of the device planted in there, Kensi thought as she rushed up the stairs.

Deeks followed after her as she entered the upstairs bedroom. "What the hell is your problem? I'm not allowed to go out?" Deeks asked slamming the door shut. Deep down he knew that it was an unfair question but that really didn't matter to him right now. He was looking for a fight.

"Of course you are it's just... you were wasted Deeks, what if you spilled information to Trent?" Kensi replied. That wasn't her main concern but she knew that mentioning his health or the events of three months ago would cause him to shut down and get even more pissed with her. She was between a rock and a hard place, unable to say what she really wanted to in fear of offending him.

"So you're saying that I compromised the mission? That I don't know how to do my job?" Deeks asked, the volume of his voice rising with ever word as he balled his hands into fists, biting back the anger that was now radiating throughout his body.

"No of course not..." Kensi sighed, immediately noting the change in his behaviour.

"It sure as hell sounded like it." Deeks pressed, the anger threatening to take over.

"No Deeks, I just... I'm worried about you." Kensi's voice was quiet, almost timid as she replied.

Something about her voice, the little quiver in it as she spoke and the way her lip dropped as she looked up at him, it just about destroyed him. Here he was hurting the one person he loved more than anything, yet he couldn't help it.

"Well don't be." Deeks replied, leaving the room.

* * *

"Are we going to talk about this?" Kensi asked watching as Deeks made up the spare bedroom, it was just down the hall from her. Granted, it was a lot closer than the previous arrangement, it still wasn't ideal for their undercover mission.

"There's nothing to talk about." Deeks replied, concentrating on folding the corners of the sheet, refusing to look up at her.

"Yes there is Deeks, I've let you get away with not talking for long enough, we have to." Kensi pleaded, the vulnerability in her voice was something he wasn't used to hearing very often. Yet today, he had heard it three times. He knew that she was reaching out to him, but he wasn't ready to talk, _he couldn't_.

"I got nothing to say." Deeks replied, shaking out another sheet, beginning to fold it over the bed.

Kensi watched as he avoided her, brushing past her to fold the right hand corner. "Taylor is going to know that something is up if we don't talk." Kensi said. She was desperate at this point, hoping to use the mission as an excuse to get him to open up.

"I'll just tell him we're having problems." Deeks replied. He had quickly destroyed any leverage she had over him.

Kensi sighed. "That's not in our cover story."

Deeks walked towards her, maintaining eye contact the entire way. "Yeah well, neither was the part where I married a nagging, uptight control freak." Deeks brushed past her to fold the remaining corner.

Kensi's mouth fell open as she stared at the man on the other side of the room. If he wanted to hurt her, he had, big time. "I can't believe you're being like this..."

"Like what?" Deeks asked defensively, directing his attention towards her.

"An asshole." Kensi shot back, frustration finally setting it.

"Asshole? I'll just add that to the list of insults huh? It can go right after the one where I'm the 'useless liaison' and 'terrible communicator'" Deeks replied angrily throwing his pillow down on the bed.

Kensi sighed knowing exactly what he was doing, getting down on himself again. "Deeks." Kensi said sadly.

"No, I'm sure you're not done, what else you got? C'mon don't hold back now, I'm sure you've got a bunch of them rolled up your sleeve, let's see incompetent, failure, feel free to jump in anytime." Deeks said sarcastically, challenging her as he stepped right into her personal space.

Kensi immediately dropped her gaze down onto the floor, knowing that she couldn't reason with him when he was like this. "Deeks stop." She said weakly, knowing that there was nothing she could say at this point, he was fuming.

Deeks placed his index finger just below her chin, tilting her head up, forcing her to look at him. Kensi could feel his breath against her face as he spoke, barely inches were separating them. "No, you go right ahead and continue to make me feel like shit." Deeks said. There was a coldness in his eyes that Kensi hadn't seen before and it absolutely terrified her. She was so used to seeing the beautiful blue sparkle in his eyes and the loving warmth that radiated from his entire being that this, this was downright unnerving.

Kensi could feel the tears welling up as she held eye contact with him. Staring into his dark, stormy blue eyes she spoke softly. "That's not what I was trying to do." She desperately tried to communicate her remorse by reaching out for his hand.

"Yeah well? I guess you fail at things too princess." Deeks replied, pulling his hand away from her before she could take it. He slammed the door behind him leaving Kensi in tears.


	5. Chapter 4 - part 2

Thanks for any reviews, this was part of the last chapter but I decided to separate them because it didn't really fit together. The upcoming chapter with the torture description will be labelled and separated so you don't have to read it if you don't want to :)

* * *

Deeks was relieved to be away from the house and Kensi's continued attempts to try and get him to talk to her. It had been two days now since their argument.

Several of the guys came up to Deeks and thanked him for the housewarming party as he arrived at training.

"That was a great party" Taylor said as he approached Deeks, shaking his hand. The two men began doing some light stretching together, preparing for the upcoming training session.

"Thanks man, I'm paying for it now though..." Deeks replied. He knew that going against his cover story with Kensi was dangerous, yet he felt like he had no other option. They were barely talking and when they did talk it only turned into an argument. He had to say something because that recording device in their house threatened their happily married image.

Taylor raised his eyebrow at Deeks' news. "Uh-oh trouble in paradise?" Taylor asked, abuptly finishing his calf stretch as he focused his attention on Deeks.

Deeks smiled, the bait had been taken. "Big time... I came home drunk after we went to a strip club, didn't take my keys..."

Taylor filled in the blanks, "ouch."

"Yeah..."

"Oh well, grovelling time buddy." Taylor patted Deeks on the shoulder, as the two began running around the field.

"I dunno man... she totally overreacted." Deeks said inbetween breaths. He wanted to make sure that Taylor knew that they were having problems.

"So... you want her... to grovel to you?" Taylor replied. A small smirk graced his features. His divorce had left him highly sceptical of women.

"Damn right." Deeks replied.

"Good for you man." Taylor replied. He fully encouraged Deeks' decision to stand firm in his resolve and not give into her.

* * *

The training was brutal, they ran for miles and did a variety of strength building exercises involving weights. Deeks was exhausted by the end of it, the lack of sleep coupled with the intense trainings were starting to catch up with him. He was the last one to leave, collapsed on the grass in an exhausted heap.

Deeks slowly sat up, guzzling down a bottle of water as he surveyed the area around him. There was a playground close to the field, largely deserted given the time of night. Just a few older kids loitering about. The carpark was next to the playground, a few of the players had still yet to leave. That's when Deeks noticed Taylor talking to Trent by his car.

"So did everything check out with Matt last night?" Taylor asked Trent, approaching him from behind.

"Yeah, I got him wasted like you wanted and everything checked out, he's a good guy." Trent replied.

"Good." Taylor was pleased, he liked Deeks.

"You ready for tonight?" Taylor asked, immediately getting angry as Trent looked apprehensive.

Deeks watched as the conversation started to get intense. Trent certainly looked uneasy about whatever it was they were discussing. He watched as Taylor sped off in his car leaving Trent looking lost and confused.

Deeks grabbed his gear bag and stood up.

"Hey man what was all that about?" Deeks asked casually jogging over to Trent.

"Uh... nothing man, look I gotta go." Trent walked away quickly.

Deeks knew something was definitely up there.

* * *

Deeks slammed the door loudly, letting Kensi know in no uncertain terms that he was home.

Kensi looked at him from the kitchen wondering what the hell he had done that for. She was about to say something but Deeks put his finger to his lips, gesturing for her not to say anything. He pointed upstairs clearly asking for her to follow him, she got the hint.

"I think Trent is involved in something with Taylor." Deeks said, running a hand through his hair. He looked stressed and quite frankly exhausted.

"Dammit." Kensi sighed, he was so young, far too young to throw his life away getting mixed up with a guy like Taylor. Suddenly dread came over Kensi as she remembered Deek's night out, "shit" she thought to herself. "Did he get you drunk on purpose?" Kensi asked worry washing over her face.

"It's okay, I didn't say anything, I actually didn't drink a lot of the stuff he gave me" Deeks confessed.

"So you weren't as wasted as you let on?" Kensi asked, unsure if she was relieved or insulted.

"Oh no, I was wasted, just not wasted enough that I'd spill everything to him if that's what you're worrying about." Deeks' tone got slightly defensive towards the end.

"I wasn't."

"Good."

"So what now?" Kensi asked, waiting for him to suggest their plan of action.

"We better call it in."

"I'll do it, you go and have a shower." Kensi suggested, hoping to keep the peace between them.

"Thanks." Deeks was relieved, the case was taking an immense toll on his body and mind.

* * *

Deeks returned to his room finding Kensi still in there sitting on the bed with her phone in her hand.

"You call it in?" Deeks asked. There was still water dripping from his hair as he rubbed a towel over it. He searched for a t-shirt slinging the towel over his shoulder as he dug into his bag.

"Yeah uh... Sam and Callen are tracking him as we speak." Kensi replied trying to avert her eyes away from Deeks' body. The last thing she needed was him catching her checking him out.

"Good." Deeks replied, awkwardly waiting for her to leave or to say something.

"Look Deeks... I'm sorry, I can't seem to stop saying the wrong thing to you..."

"I told Taylor that we're having problems." Deeks blurted out, cutting her off.

Kensi sighed. "Deeks..."

"Look Kens, I'm tired, I really just want to go to bed right now..." He clearly wanted her to leave.

"Okay... goodnight." Kensi said sadly, leaving the room.


	6. Chapter 5

Thank you so much for the reviews and your kind words, you guys keep this story going, thank you! :) I hope this chapter doesn't seem too out of character, I really wanted to bring some light-hearted banter back, let me know what you think. Enjoy!

* * *

Kensi and Deeks had come to an agreement not to talk downstairs because of the recording device. This would back-up Deeks' new cover story that Kensi was giving him the silent treatment. Deeks continued to feed Taylor with information about their marriage, maintaining that they had hit a rough patch. Although Hetty was less than impressed upon hearing about the changes, she made the allowance. She agreed to let them continue undercover on the condition that they fill out a daily report. Hetty hoped that they would learn to deal with their issues together instead of continuing along their current path.

Deeks had a series of restless nights, unable to get any decent sleep. In between worrying about the case, Kensi, and the fear of another nightmare, Deeks also had the added stress of upcoming counselling sessions. Hetty had ordered him to attend them three times a week as punishment for changing the cover story. Well, that's the way Deeks saw it anyway. Hetty on the other hand was just trying to look out for her liaison officer.

It was currently 4am and Deeks lay in bed staring at the ceiling above. As much as he tried he couldn't get his mind to switch off. It had been four days since his fight with Kensi, yet he kept replaying it over and over again in his head. He kept reliving the words he had spoken to her.

"Nagging, uptight, control freak."

"Nagging, uptight, control freak."

God, he was such an asshole. She was only trying to help him and he threw it right back in her face. He wondered why she hadn't given up on him already and requested a new partner. Hetty too for that matter. Why didn't she just let him go back to the LAPD when he put in the request two months ago? It would have been easier than dealing with his bullshit.

As the minutes ticked away, Deeks tossed and turned trying to get comfortable. Every single muscle in his body hurt courtesy of the brutal soccer trainings. He knew that he needed to rest yet he couldn't seem to find the right position. Frustratedly burying his head in the pillow for the tenth time he finally found a sense of relief, eventually dropping off to sleep.

He got perhaps thirty minutes of actual rest before his alarm sounded. The phone vibrating against the wooden bedside table shook him from his peaceful slumber. He cursed reaching out a lazy arm to hit the button, stopping the damn awful sound, sighing as he looked at the time. Already 6am.

"Dammit."

Dragging himself out of bed was hell, every single muscle in his body protested the movement as he headed towards the kitchen downstairs. Kensi didn't usually wake up until at least half an hour after he did. Perhaps it was to avoid him or maybe she just liked her beauty sleep? Deeks couldn't help but think it was the former. He knew he had hurt her over the last few months, pulling away, refusing to talk to her.

He had to make a peace-offering, he couldn't go on with the way things were between them. It was like stepping on egg-shells everytime they were around each other.

Deeks began rustling through the cupboards in search of ingredients deciding to cook a peace-offering.

Kensi was roused from her sleep after hearing noises coming from the kitchen. She looked at the clock, noting that Deeks was taking a lot longer than usual to make his breakfast. Maybe something was wrong? There was an awful lot of banging afterall. Kensi decided to go and see for herself, wrapping a dressing gown around her body, she went to investigate. Kensi only got as far as the hallway as Deeks appeared. He motioned for her to join him in the spare bedroom.

Kensi wondered what he was up to as she followed him inside. She found two plates sitting on the bed as she entered, they were both piled up with pancakes. He offered a plate to her before reaching into his back pocket for the maple sauce. He had brought it up especially for her. According to Kensi, pancakes were incomplete without some form of sugary goodness on top.

"Thanks." Kensi said quietly, joining him on his bed. It wasn't made, it was still a mass of sheets and blankets strewn all over the place, evidence of his interrupted sleep the previous night. The scent of him filled her nostrils as she leaned back against the headboard, the two of them began eating quietly together.

"This is ridiculous isn't it?" Deeks said interrupting the awkward silence between them, slanting his body towards her.

"What?" Kensi replied, stuffing her mouth full with another pancake, savoring the taste. She was getting sick of microwaveable food, yet another downside of arguing with Deeks. She would do anything to have him cook for her everyday.

"Eating in here... Only talking in here..." Deeks let out a genuine hearty laugh as he looked at his partner. He wasn't laughing at her eating style, despite how hilarious that was in its own right, he was laughing at the absurd living situation.

Kensi couldn't help but smile back at him. "It's like we're prisoners in our own home." She added quietly.

"Can't even enjoy the expensive t.v..." Deeks joked. He had only briefly had a chance to watch it when they first moved in. The downstairs living room now remained largely deserted.

"Oh yeah, that's your biggest concern?" Kensi teased.

For the first time in a long while, there was a glimmer of the old them back as the light hearted banter returned.

"You must not be looking forward to training today?" Kensi sighed, putting down her empty plate. Sooner or later they had to talk about the case.

Deeks let out a dramatic moan, slinking down on the bed. He lay his head down on the pillow, clasping his hands over his stomach as he stared at the ceiling. "I'm so over it, I mean, I thought I was pretty fit before this but man, do they kick your ass at these trainings." Deeks shuddered just thinking about it.

"I need to watch one of these trainings." Kensi smirked, rolling over on her side to face him. She wiggled her eyebrows at him, hoping that he would go along with her light-hearted teasing.

Deeks did not disappoint, revealing a small smile as he turned his head towards her. "No, no you do not."

Kensi laughed, continuing her onslaught. "C'mon, you in those little soccer shorts..." Kensi punched him lightly on the arm.

"I'm wearing trackpants." Deeks shot back, he was on the back-foot, desperately scrambling for comebacks.

"In L.A?" Kensi questioned, raising an eyebrow.

Deeks contemplated his next move, she got him, dammit. "T_ouché_." He admitted defeat, slowly lifting himself off the bed. "We gotta be at work in twenty minutes, hurry up and get ready." Deeks picked up their plates and left the room.

Kensi smiled watching him leave. She was relieved that things between them were on a much better note. Sure they were avoiding the important stuff but at least they were talking.

* * *

The drive to ops was largely silent yet there wasn't as much tension in the air as usual.

"Mr Deeks, you look happy this morning..." Hetty commented as he entered the bullpen.

"Had a good sleep..." Deeks lied, following her down to the armoury. The small room had recently become the regular meeting place between the two.

"How is everything going?" Hetty asked as she opened the small drawer below the cabinet housing her weapons, pulling out a folder.

"Good, Trent is definitely caught up with Taylor." Deeks replied, keeping it professional. He watched the older woman closely, knowing that she was about to hit him with something he wouldn't like.

"How is everything between you and Ms Blye?" Hetty asked, narrowing her eyes at the detective.

"It's fine." Deeks shrugged.

"I see." Hetty placed the folder down on the table in front of him. "This is all the information you need to know about your new counsellor." Hetty slid the folder towards Deeks, keeping her hand firmly on top of it as she continued "I thought that maybe if you knew more about your counsellor this time, you would be more willing to open up to them." Hetty removed her hand from the file, releasing it to Deeks to do what he pleased. Of course she hoped that he would take the time to read it.

Deeks directed his gaze towards the folder, staring at it as if it were an enemy.

"I want an update report on my desk by the end of the day." Hetty added, leaving Deeks to contemplate his next move without her presence.

"Sure." Deeks replied, taking one of the guns from the table in front of him. He left the folder unopened entering the shooting range.

Bullet after bullet was sent flying into the targets as Deeks let go of all the frustration built up over the last few days.

Deeks' session was interrupted ten minutes later by Callen who waited for him to finish his round before entering inside the range. As Deeks reloaded Callen took the opportunity to retrieve the targets that Deeks had been practising on.

"Wow, what did this poor bastard do to you?" Callen joked, admiring Deeks' handywork. The target was missing its head courtesy of about a dozen headshots.

"Sent me to counselling." Deeks replied, a small smile on his face. He knew that Hetty meant well but _really_, more counselling sessions?

Callen chuckled as he set up a new target for Deeks to shoot. "She's worried about you." Callen stated, sending the target retreating down the line.

"I'm sick of people worrying about me." Deeks replied, readying himself to shoot again.

Callen put his ear-muffs on, watching as Deeks shot yet another target to pieces.

"They're only worrying about you because they care Deeks." Callen offered.

"Yeah well, I never asked them to." Deeks replied, exiting the range.

* * *

Deeks arrived at training a few minutes late courtesy of the stupid report he had to finish for Hetty. He could still see her smiling face as he handed it in. "Thank you Mr Deeks, enjoy your training session."

"Enjoy it my ass" Deeks muttered as he parked the car.

He hadn't opened the folder she had given him, still refusing to accept that counselling was something that he needed.

Deeks sighed as he lifted his gear bag out of the car, groaning as his aching muscles protested the movement. How the hell was he was going to get through another training session?

Walking up to the field he noticed immediately that Trent and Taylor were not present.

"Great, just fucking great." Deeks cursed, knowing that the upcoming punishment would have no reward, his targets had no-showed.

Early into the training session things were already looking bleak. "Son of a bitch" Deeks exclaimed, feeling the tightness in his calf immediately as he began the warm up exercise.

"Hey man, hurry up, coach is gonna kick our ass if you don't start running." One of the guys yelled at Deeks as they began the drill.

"Yeah Matt, come on, you start half-assing this shit and we all pay." Another added, dragging Deeks along with him.

The sweat was pouring down Deeks' face and it was only the end of the warm-up. It was moments like these that he considered getting himself a new career.

* * *

"How was training?" Kensi asked following him to his room. Judging by his posture he was exhausted, dragging his bag behind him as he slowly climbed the stairs. She knew that she was smothering him by pouncing on him the second he got home yet she couldn't help it. She needed to know how he was coping with everything.

"Taylor and Trent weren't there so I went through the damn training for nothing." Deeks sighed throwing his bag angrily in the corner of the room. She watched him strip off his jacket, throwing it down on the floor.

Kensi eyed him suspiciously, his blatant disregard for his jacket was uncharacteristic. Deeks was a clean freak, the absolute opposite to her. He was constantly tidying things up, putting laundry in the hamper, making sure that the house was kept neat and tidy. It drove her nuts.

Deeks sat down at the end of his bed beginning to take off the strapping tape that was wrapped around his knee. He got frustrated as it didn't unfurl easily, the pieces were sticking together.

"Dammit!" Deeks cursed, throwing the small piece of tape he ripped off onto the floor collapsing down onto the bed. The tape was only there for decoration, it served no actual purpose whatsoever. He had begun wearing it as a cover story to get him out of any future training sessions that involved actually having to kick a ball. He was going to use a dodgy knee to cover for his lack of skills.

"Here, let me do that." Kensi said calmy as she bent down in front of him, lightly resting her hand on his knee.

Deeks immediately sat up on the bed, ready to protest her actions yet she simply raised her hand to him, silently warning him not to bother arguing. For once he followed her advice, remaining quiet, too exhausted for another argument.

Kensi smiled as he didn't resist her help and gently begun to uncoil the tape. She didn't want to do anything to ruin the moment so she simply focused all of her attention on the task at hand. Although she could feel him looking at her Kensi simply refused to look up at him. The last thing she wanted was to get in an awkward staring contest, especially considering the position she was currently in.

As Kensi uncoiled the tape she contemplated her next move for a few seconds. The tape was nearly off yet the last piece was stuck firmly to his leg.

"Ahhh" Deeks hissed as the tape was removed pulling out some of the hairs on his leg in the process.

"Sorry, I thought that removing it quickly would be better than doing it slowly." Kensi bit her lip, nervously looking up at him.

Deeks looked down at the red welt on his leg before meeting her eyes. "Is that from experience?" Deeks cocked an eyebrow at her, a smug smile spreading across his face.

"Wouldn't you like to know." Kensi shot back challenging him with a seductive smile of her own.

She was feeling brave as she reached out to touch the red patch of skin on his leg, lightly ghosting her fingers over it. She watched as Deeks reacted to her touch, staring at her intently, desperately waiting for her next move. Once their eyes locked there was only one way this could end.

Kensi stretched her body up towards him, placing one of her hands beside him on the bed to steady herself. She was actually going through with it, she was actually going to kiss him. For once Deeks wasn't pulling back, he remained seated to the spot, anticipating the soft feeling of her lips on his.

However, that was not to happen as the dip in the bed as Kensi leaned closer caused Deeks' phone to drop to the floor. It landed with a loud thud as it met the cold wooden floorboards below.

Kensi awkwardly cleared her throat, the moment had passed. "You should have a shower." She retreated to a standing position, quickly taking several steps away from him.

"Yeah..." Deeks quietly replied. He thought about calling out to her as she left the room yet couldn't find the words.


	7. Chapter 6

Thank you so much for the reviews. You guys are amazing :) Sorry about the tease last chapter, couldn't resist, call me Nell :P

* * *

Deeks left the house early the next morning begrudgingly making his way to the grey, depressing building that housed his counselling sessions. Unfortunately these sessions were not as easy to escape as those run by LAPD. Hetty had made it crystal clear that he was to attend them or face severe consequences. Knowing Hetty, those consequences would probably involve a letter opener or something similarly sharp. That woman had a weapon cupboard to rival any Tarantino movie.

Deeks had received a text from her about his session earlier in the morning. Despite Hetty labelling it a 'friendly reminder' it was anything but. Hetty felt the need to remind him that she had eyes and ears everywhere and if he so much as arrived late she would know about it. These thinly veiled threats would sound silly coming from anyone else. Yet Deeks knew first-hand how Hetty operated, she managed to evoke fear and amazement simultaneously.

Knowing how hectic her work schedule was Deeks couldn't help but appreciate the fact that she had taken the time to send the text. He really wasn't used to having this kind of care and concern shown towards him from his superiors. But then again, Hetty wasn't your average boss. Hetty was something entirely different. She was the mother figure that he was so sorely missing in his life, his birth-mother's mental illness having robbed him of any chance for a deep and meaningful relationship with her.

Hetty had provided him with a sorely needed fresh start as he drowned his sorrows after the Jess Traynor case. Welcoming him to her team with open arms, Hetty treated him with the same level of respect as her other agents. A type of respect he had never experienced during his time with LAPD.

When he got shot Hetty was there for him in more ways than he could ever thank her for. She was there to assure him that he had acted in self-defense as an eleven year old boy, shooting his father in order to protect his mother. No matter how many times it subsequently came up she would always assure him that his actions had been appropriate. She didn't hesitate to list herself as his next of kin, a term usually devoted to a person's closest living relatives. The gesture itself spoke volumes about Hetty as a person.

She was always there for her people, offering a compassionate ear in their time of need. She had listened to his struggles over his alias Max Genty without judgment. At the end of the case she informed him that Nicole didn't regret their time together despite everything that had happened. Although it was a small piece of information, it went a long way in conciliating the lies Deeks had told Nicole, easing some of the guilt about their time together.

The more he thought about it, the more he began to realize just how much Hetty had been there for him in his tenure with NCIS.

Hetty was the only one to remember his birthday. She didn't hesitate in cracking open a bottle of her finest scotch for him. They even spent the night sharing stories together in the pull-pen.

That was the night he said a little too much.

While Deeks blamed the alcohol and back-tracked on his declaration of feelings for his partner, it was too late, Hetty knew. That's part of the reason he chuckled after receiving her note in the armory. By saying 'Sunshine and Gunpower' she had all but given him the go-ahead for a relationship with Kensi.

If only it were that easy...

Checking in at reception Deeks was greeted by a young woman who, in his opinion, was far too enthusiastic to work at a shrink's office. She welcomed him with a sickly-sweet voice, her high-pitched tone was about as realistic as her chest which he got a full view of as she leaned over the counter and gestured towards the waiting area. Taking a seat Deeks began flicking through a magazine as he waited for his name to be called.

He knew the drill by heart having attended more counselling sessions than he wanted to remember. The sessions had begun at an early age as social services got involved with his family. The more recent sessions consisted of post-op debriefs and mandatory psych evaluations. Deeks swore he spent half his life in a damn chair. He was beyond sick and tired of being told to talk about his feelings. As far as he was concerned talking about things didn't change what happened so what was the point?

"Stephanie your 9 o'clock appointment has arrived." The young receptionist informed the woman entering the room.

"No shit, you paged me, that's why I'm here." The woman replied, rolling her eyes at the receptionist.

Deeks bit back a chuckle as he overheard the conversation. He liked this woman already, it reminded him of a certain someone...

"Deeks." The woman called out, walking into the waiting area.

"That's me." Deeks replied, introducing himself as they walked to her office.

Her name was Stephanie, she was approximately in her late 40's and happened to be an old friend of Hetty's. "What are the chances?" Deeks sarcastically thought as he entered her office.

"Have you had a chance to go over my file?" Stephanie asked as they both took a seat.

"Nope." Deeks replied calmly, stretching back in the chair.

Stephanie narrowed her eyes at him immediately analysing his behaviour, writing down a few notes. Deeks' body language told her that he couldn't care less about what she had to say.

"That's fine." Stephanie calmly replied. "Why don't we start off with some simple questions first?" Stephanie offered, trying to keep things light, it was only the first session afterall. "I see that you were admitted to the bar, why don't you tell me about your time at law school."

"I worked hard, I got a degree..." Deeks shrugged.

"Don't want to elaborate on that at all?" Stephanie asked, testing his reaction.

"No, not really." Deeks smiled.

Stephanie nodded, this was typical evasion, she simply pressed on. "I can see how much you want to be here right now but the way I see it, the less you are willing to talk to me, the longer these sessions are going to have to be." Stephanie stated simply.

"Well, the way I see it, I'm stuck here three times a week, there's still plenty of time for me to tell you _what you want to hear._" Deeks replied, the sarcasm in his tone was boderline condescending. Yet it didn't seem to phase her.

"Oh and what is it that I want to hear?" Stephanie asked, her tone was calm despite his attempts to needle her.

"That I have daddy issues, that I use humor as a form of deflection, this isn't my first rodeo you know." Deeks replied bitterly.

"I can see that." Stephanie agreed, reading from the file in front of her. "You've done this from a very young age." Stephanie stated, her voice conveyed sympathy yet remained steady as she looked up at him.

"If you have my file, you know the story already, what is the point in talking about it?" Deeks asked.

"These are simply words written on a sheet of paper by someone who wasn't there, someone who didn't experience what it felt like to shoot their father when they were eleven years old, or what it was like to be tortured within an inch of their life..." Stephanie replied.

"Oooohhh you're good doc, what part was that from huh? Psychology 101?" Deeks replied.

Stephanie smiled, removing her glasses as she looked at him. "Okay, let's cut the bullshit right now, I have the power to pull you from your case" Stephanie replied.

"You would actually be doing me a favor." Deeks replied, a smug smile on his face. "I hate those god damn training sessions."

"I also have the power to pull you from your position altogether. Do you want to try that again?" Stephanie asking, meeting him head on.

"Oh that's just great, you're blackmailing me now?" Deeks laughed.

"I'm not going to be like your average psychologist, afraid to ask the tough questions. Because that's not what you need. I believe you need someone to push your buttons, to make you reach that breaking point."

The parallels between her and Hetty were scarily similar. Was she even a qualified psychologist? He was sure that approach wasn't written in the textbooks.

"We can leave it there for today if you'd like?" Stephanie offered, knowing that Deeks was rattled by her approach. "Unless of course you want to talk about anything in the mean-time?"

"No, no I do not." Deeks replied, already getting up from his seat.

"Okay, well I would like you to prepare something for our next session." Stephanie said, walking over to him and handing him a sheet of paper.

Deeks took it, stuffing it into his pocket as he left the room.

* * *

"Hey how'd it go?" Callen asked as he walked up to Deeks in the gym. He was currently pummeling the stuffing out of the punching bag, sweat dripping from his brow. He had been going at it for a while judging by his pink cheeks and sweat-drenched t-shirt. His steely gaze focused firmly on the object swinging in front of him.

"How did what go?" Deeks replied shooting a dirty look at Callen, clearly agitated by the interruption to his workout.

"Your counselling session, it started today right?" Callen's tone was inquisitive. He watched Deeks' reaction carefully, noticing immediately the way he hit the bag with more force as he mentioned the 'c' word.

"Yeah, so what?" Deeks replied, his eyes never wavering from the bag.

"God, you're just as stubborn as Sam." Callen muttered under his breath, yet still loud enough for Deeks to hear him. It immediately stilled Deeks' actions, his hands dropping down to his side as he turned to face Callen. Two very stormy eyes pierced through Callen as Deeks slowly walked closer to him, "I'm nothing like Sam." Deeks said, walking off.

"Actually, you're very like Sam." Callen thought. He had watched his partner the previous day taking his anger out on the punching bag after a counselling session.

"What was that all about?" Kensi asked approaching Callen. She had just seen her partner storm out in a foul mood.

"He's not dealing with things very well."

"Tell me something I don't know." Kensi thought, yet didn't voice her opinion, she simply shared a look of concern with Callen.

* * *

At 3am Deeks was in the midst of harrowing nightmare. This time however, he was unable to keep his screams at bay, crying out in pain as he relived the ordeal with Sidorov.

It woke Kensi who sat bolt upright, immediately reaching for her gun tucked safely in the drawer beside her bed. Carefully she made her way to where the sound was coming from, aiming her gun directly in front of her. Opening the door to Deeks' room she flicked on the light immediately finding the source of commotion. Her partner was violently tossing and turning in his sleep, crying out in pain.

Kensi rushed to his side, putting her gun down on the drawer beside the bed before grabbing him. She placed her hands firmly on his upper arms, gripping tightly as she tried to rouse him from his nightmare. "Deeks! WAKE UP!" Kensi said desperately trying to bring him back from the dark place he was currently trapped in.

"C'mon Deeks, wake up!" Kensi repeated once more. She could feel the sweat seeping through his t-shirt, the intense heat warming her hands. His normally golden locks were now almost dark brown, drenched in sweat.

"Ahhhh!" Deeks screamed as he woke up, the nightmare was so vivid and real, the ordeal absolutely terrifying. He sat upright, desperately struggling to regain his breath. It took him a few seconds to register the fact that he was being held by someone.

Breaking free from Kensi's clutches Deeks rushed to the bathroom, splashing cold water on his face. His worst fear had become a reality, she knew about the nightmares.

He took a moment to calm himself down, his pulse was still racing as he sat on the side of the bathtub.

* * *

She was waiting for him as he walked out of the bathroom.

"I don't want to talk about it." Deeks walked quickly back to his room, hoping that he would be able to shut the door before she got the chance to enter but she was on his tail, following him inside.

"Please don't do this... don't shut down on me again, Deeks." Kensi pleaded, refusing to allow him to lock himself away.

Deeks quickly changed his t-shirt before sitting down at the far side of the bed.

Although his back was to her, she didn't let that deter her, she simply sat down on the opposite side, watching as he exhaled a deep sigh.

Deeks had his head in his hands trying desperately to hold himself together. "Please just leave." He said softly, almost defeated in spirit.

"No." Kensi held firm in her resolve refusing to move.

"Get out!" Deeks yelled rising from the bed and pointing towards the door.

She could see the furious anger in his eyes, the beautiful blue sparkle she loved so much had been replaced by the much darker shade she was beginning to see more and more often.

"No, I'm not leaving until you talk to me." Kensi replied, reaching out to touch his forearm.

"Fine, I'll leave." Deeks brushed past her shoulder as he walked past. He was just about to turn the handle when she made her final plea.

"Please don't do this Deeks, don't leave me." Kensi's voice cracked, tears streamed freely down her face as she watched him trying to decide on his next move.

"Don't be like... Jack... He wouldn't talk to me about his nightmares Deeks... He shut me out and left me, please don't do that." She pleaded, desperately.

_Was Deeks really going to walk away from her too?_


	8. Chapter 7

Thank you so much for the reviews, I'm absolutely blown away by the number of people following this story. Thank you guys, you really inspire me to write new chapters, you are the best. Here it is, the torture chapter. I will put in stars to signal the beginning and end of Deeks' description of the torture, so feel free to skip it :)

* * *

The words she had spoken three and a half months ago were ringing in his ears as he contemplated walking out.

_"Every man in my life always finds a way to leave me."_

Kensi had spoken those words to Hetty as she sat by Deeks' hospital bed, uncertain of his future, wondering whether he would wake up as the same man, if he would still be willing to carry a badge and call himself her partner.

Deeks couldn't add himself to that list of tragedies, he couldn't leave her, it wasn't in his character. He knew that Kensi had made herself immensely vulnerable by mentioning Jack. It was a topic that she kept hidden away, refusing or simply unable to talk about despite the years that had passed. Deeks knew that she still carried guilt about the situation, he saw it first-hand during the Talbot case.

_"If only I'd tried harder then this wouldn't have happened."_

It was something that Kensi had told herself repeatedly over the years. Although it started with Jack it had followed her throughout her career at NCIS. She felt it when Dom got kidnapped blaming herself for not being a better partner. Perhaps this was the reason she was pushing Deeks to open up so much.

Deeks released his grip from the door handle turning around to face her for the first time since she had found out about his nightmares. She looked just as broken as he was standing before him with her shoulders slumped over and her face painfully contorted as tears streamed down her face.

"Thank you." Kensi said quietly, her voice shaky as she watched him take a few steps away from the door. She turned and sat down on the bed, hoping that he would join her. Although it took several minutes he did, sitting on the opposite side.

Kensi lay back on the bed, settling onto her side, she propped herself up on her elbow facing towards him. She watched as Deeks struggled to find his words, clearly fighting an internal battle. This time however, she wasn't going to push him, she was going to sit there and wait for him to open up to her.

******TORTURE******

"I've been having these dreams for the last three months, same ones... usually every night..." Deeks' voice was devoid of emotion as he began talking. His back was to her, his body slightly slumped over and his head angled down towards the floor. Kensi had to struggle to hear his voice, inching slightly closer to him as he spoke. "Sidorov asking me over and over again if Michelle is an agent." As soon as Deeks finishes the sentence he buries his head in his hands.

Kensi squeezes her eyes tightly shut, the mere mention of that man's name makes her skin crawl. Perhaps the only consolation from the entire operation was the fact that he was now rotting in hell. Michelle had taken it upon herself to load the fatal bullet into his chest. Kensi could still remember the look on his face before Michelle shot him, the stupid bastard didn't even see it coming.

"Drilling holes in my teeth when I don't reply." Deeks shuddered slightly at the memory. The feeling of the metal drill vibrating against his tooth was something that he would never forget. The buzzing sound echoing in his ears as it penetrated deep down into the roots. It was a pain unlike any he had experienced in his entire life.

Kensi watched as Deeks placed his hand on his jaw, adjusting it from side to side, no doubt reliving the agony. She had no idea how he had carried on through the pain. His mouth had to be injected with numbing agents for well over a week after he woke up in the hospital. The swelling had left him unable to talk for days, his only means of communication was a tablet that had been kindly provided by Eric.

"You know what he called me?" Deeks asked, suddenly turning around to face her. The action surprised Kensi who was immediately drawn away from the image lodged in her mind of him lying in a hospital bed. Up until this point Deeks hadn't been acknowledging her. Yet now he had turned his body completely towards her, tucking one of his legs underneath him on the bed while the other remained firmly planted on the floor below. It was clear to Kensi that whatever he had to say next, he wanted to see her reaction.

"The weak one." Deeks snickered at the memory. Sidorov had used it repeatedly throughout the ordeal in an attempt to goad him.

Kensi's eyes widened in response, she knew that must have hurt him. Despite how much crap she gave him about his sensitive skin, his ridiculous moisturizers and choice of shampoo, underneath it all she never once doubted his strength. Besides, Deeks loved playing up his metrosexual tendencies, it was a sure way of getting a rise out of the guys and her. It certainly drove Sam nuts, so staunch with his Navy Seal masculine identity, he had no time for Deeks' new age crap. Yet Deeks had no problem playing up his fondness for massages, pedicures and long walks on the beach. He even played dolls with Sam's daughter allowing her to stick bows in his hair and attempt to plait it. While Kensi mocked him incessantly for being sensitive, deep down, it was something that she loved about him.

Kensi could see the anger sweeping over his face as he spoke again. "Yet I didn't talk, I didn't give Michelle up, despite everything they did to me, I didn't say a damn thing." Deeks said bitterly, shaking his head from side to side.

"How?" Kensi choked, she had to compose herself in order to finish the question. "H... how did you get through it? I mean, nobody would have blamed you for saying something, Deeks." Kensi said softly, she was clutching onto one of his pillows at this point, tears steadily streaming down her face.

Deeks laughed in response to her question, dismissing it immediately. His eyes followed the trail of her tear as it fell down onto the bed, falling into oblivion as it collided with the sheet below. Sighing, Deeks stood up, needing to gather his thoughts. He ran a hand through his hair as he paced along the floor beside the bed. "Sam would of." Deeks replied, averting his gaze from her. "God, you should have seen the way he was looking at me..." The memory of Sam's expression came flooding through Deeks' mind. "He was so desperate, I could see it in his eyes, pleading with me not to say anything, _like I would anyway_." It's a throwaway comment yet it's full of bitterness.

"You know, I bet he thought I'd break." Deeks says, directing his gaze towards Kensi again. "That's why he was watching me, waiting for me to say something..." She can see the cogs turning in his brain as he stared off into the distance. It was clear that he was still harboring unresolved animosity towards Sam.

Kensi watched him closely, trying to get a read on him as he looked down at his hands. Kensi could see that he was moving the wedding ring around with his fingers. The same fingers that Sidorov had broken trying to get information. Although the bones had healed, the damage was permanent, his fingers were left jutting severely out of proportion.

"You know I confronted him earlier..." Deeks said, finally stealing his gaze away from his fingers and back towards her. He could see the confusion wash over her face as her eyes met his. "Sam." Deeks clarified before continuing. "About all the shit he used to give me."

Kensi swallowed hard upon hearing his words. Sam was relentless when it came to picking on him, they all were. She hadn't really considered the possibility that he might actually be hurt by their words. Unease began to creep over her as she thought about it further. "What if he feels the same way when I tease him?" Kensi wondered, her fears were pushed aside however, as Deeks continued talking.

"I straight-up asked him why he does it and you know what he said?" Deeks asked, increasingly pissed off as he thought about Sam's words to him earlier that day.

"W...What?" Kensi stuttered, terrified of the answer.

"It was my character." Deeks replied, the hurt was written all over his face.

"He actually said that to you?" Kensi sat up on the bed in anger. She could kill Sam right now, especially considering what Deeks went through to protect Michelle.

"Yep, clear as day..." Deeks reiterated.

"Wow." Kensi couldn't believe it, her thoughts immediately travelled to confronting Sam and giving him a piece of her mind.

"I think part of me wanted to prove to him that I could take it, you know... the torture, whatever they threw my way, I wanted to show him that I wouldn't give Michelle up." Deeks confessed. Sam's words had left him with a significant point to prove about his character and he had accepted the challenge. He had gone over and above to prove Sam wrong.

"What did they do to you?" Kensi asked quietly, almost hoping that he didn't hear her. She wasn't sure that she wanted to know the details, she almost hated herself for asking. Yet she knew that she had to, as much for his sake as her own.

"What didn't they do to me?" Deeks replied. He laughed slightly yet not out of humour, more out of irony given everything he had been through.

Deeks lay down beside her on the bed, there was still a considerable distance between them however. He was on his back with his eyes firmly focused on the ceiling above. He clasped his hands together, settling them over his stomach recounting the injuries. "Drilled my teeth, broke my ribs, you know the injuries Kens."

Kensi knew that he was implying that she should leave it at that but she couldn't, she had to know more. "Yeah I know the injuries, Deeks" She granted him that much. "But not how they happened." Kensi bit her lip, hugging the pillow tighter to her body, hoping that she wasn't pushing him too far.

Deeks slowly moved his head to the side looking up at her with a firm frown etched on his face." They happened Kens, I'm not going to relive what they did to me."

"But you do relive it Deeks, you relive it every night you close your eyes." Kensi replied. She decided to make a bold move and reached out for his hand, placing her own on top of his, squeezing it gently. "Please Deeks, you have to talk about it, if not with me then... someone at least." Kensi pleaded, choosing not to mention his counsellor's name given the reaction Callen had received earlier for asking.

Deeks sighed, contemplating his next move for a few seconds. "Fine... you want me to talk, I'll talk..." Deeks shrugged his shoulders acting like it wasn't a big deal. He turned his attention back towards the ceiling above, clearly agitated.

"You don't have to if you don't want to..." Kensi replied cautiously, the last thing she wanted to do was push him too far. Judging by his reply he was already pissed off at her. It was as if he had accepted her plea as a personal challenge which was definitely not her intention.

"No, I want to..." Deeks replied, firmly.

"Are you sure?" Kensi asked again.

"Yes and since you're clearly controlling everything we talk about right now, where do you want me to start?" Deeks replied.

Kensi sighed, maybe this wasn't a good idea. "At the beginning." She said tentatively, preparing herself for him to bite her head off.

"So the part where you couldn't get away fast enough after I kissed you or what?" Deeks asked turning to face her.

Kensi let out a sad sigh, the anger in his eyes just made her feel even worse about it. "Deeks, I had to follow Michelle..."

"Whatever..." Deeks turned away from her again, he was bitter about it, he wasn't going to hide it. "So I went back to watching Sam, he got handcuffed to the suitcase with the gold inside, Sidorov clocked him in the back of the head and he fell into the pool, drowning."

Kensi was listening to his every word, watching him intently. He was only talking about the facts, there wasn't one mention of how he felt after seeing that happen right in front of him. There were barely any details.

"I went running in there, got him out, gave him mouth to mouth, saved his life." Deeks said, his tone was steady, his face expressionless.

Kensi gasped, immediately realizing that that was the reason Sam had water in his lungs. If it weren't for Deeks, Sam would be dead.

"Then the next thing I know I'm watching Sidorov shock him, trying to get information." Deeks continued, his voice still emotionless.

"Oh my god... that must have been hard to watch." Kensi replied, her voice soft, almost tentative.

"It was, I was cuffed to the chair, couldn't do anything to help him." Deeks confessed. "It was so awful yet I couldn't look away, I had to make sure he was still alive." Deeks shook his head remembering the look on Sam's face and the way he sat there motionless. "Sam denied that Michelle was an agent so they came over to me next. They put this metal brace in my mouth so I couldn't close it and they started to drill my teeth."

Kensi cringed remembering how she had found him sitting there tied to the chair, blood dripping from his mouth, two of his teeth sitting beside him on the bench that housed the instruments that had been used to torture him. She was shaken out of her brutal memory as Deeks continued to speak. "He asked me over and over if it was safe to sell the bombs. Of course I told him it was... He didn't like that answer... He moved onto my ear next..." Deeks paused for a minute contemplating whether or not he should tell her what he was thinking. Although he was angry at her for being so insistent about talking he couldn't really blame her. He would do the exact same thing if it was her in this position.

"That's why I flinched when you whispered in my ear the other day." Deeks said softly, turning his head towards her. He knew that it had hurt her when he pulled away as she tried to whisper in his ear. The memory of her sad brown eyes and the way her lip dropped had stuck with him.

Deeks suddenly sat up on the bed, Kensi watched him a little unsure of what he was doing as he brushed his hair back. It became clear once he revealed the small scar where Sidorov had split his ear open. Kensi gasped as she moved closer towards him, getting a better view of it. She tentatively reached out her hand gently moving her fingers over the scar. Deeks shuddered slightly under her touch, her fingers were warm, almost comforting as they trailed over the small patch of skin. Yet the memory of it tearing apart caused Deeks to back away from her. "It just reminded me..." Deeks pulled away from her and began brushing his hair back to cover the scar. "Sidorov whispered in my ear like that... god his breath, it was hot, like yours was, I could feel it... right before he started cutting..." Deeks trembled, reliving the sharp pain.

Kensi swallowed hard, "I'm so sorry, if I knew I..."

"You didn't know." Deeks cut her off, refusing to let her blame herself. "Sam watched as he cut my ear... god I've never seen him so pale, he was freaking out." Deeks recalled.

"Understandably" Kensi thought to herself, unable to imagine what it would have been like to watch that happen right in front of her.

"I still didn't talk... Maybe I couldn't talk? My mouth was on fire, blood was dripping out, it tasted disgusting, I had to keep spitting it out." Deeks cringed slightly as he recalled the taste. "Some of it landed on Sidorov's buddy, he was pissed...he threatened to cut off a particular part of my body if it happened again..." Deeks chuckled.

"I think I must have passed out because the next thing I remember is them punching Sam in the other room. I could barely lift my head, the way they twisted it when they drilled my teeth made it excruciating to even lift it up." Deeks cranked his neck to the side, working out the kink that had suddenly built up. "They eventually gave up when Sam passed out, so I just pretended to be out to it too and they left. I had no idea if they were still there, if they'd left, what the hell was happening."

"My mouth was swollen but I yelled, I yelled and yelled at Sam, I thought he was dead for a minute there, he wasn't responding. It was terrifying... you know... we may not have been on the best terms but... I didn't want him to die... Especially not after meeting his kids, he had a family... I couldn't imagine the look on their face if they found out he was dead." Deeks confessed. The image of Sam's kids had played on his mind the entire time.

"Anyway... Sidorov wasn't gone, he came back in. He walked back over to Sam, a pipe in his hand this time, I just started yelling at him. I tried to get his attention you know, tried to draw the heat away from Sam for a while."

"You provoked them to attack you?" Kensi asked, amazed at his bravery.

"Yeah, Sam was barely breathing... I had to do something." Deeks replied, looking at her as if it wasn't a big deal.

"After everything he said to you?" Kensi asked. She knew that Deeks was resilient but this was a whole new level.

"He was my partner..." Deeks replied.

Kensi couldn't get over his immense loyalty, it only made her love him even more. "What happened next?" She asked quietly.

"Sidorov came over to me again, this time with a blowtorch."

She watched as Deeks' hand travelled down to his pyjama pants, settling over his upper thigh. Judging by the pained expression on his face, it was yet another scar inflicted on his body. "Same questions, getting higher and higher everytime I answered 'no', like he was baiting me into saying yes." Deeks shivered.

Watching Deeks' reaction she had to ask. "They didn't..."

"No, Marty jr is fine." Deeks smiled weakly as he turned to face her, quickly removing his hand from his leg, using humor to deflect talking about the scar.

"Oh my gosh..." Kensi scoffed at his ridiculous nickname. She didn't intend for her question to be turned around quite like that.

"The rest of it was a blur, I don't remember everything that happened to me, I passed out a lot because of the pain." Deeks was telling her the truth, he really didn't remember a lot of what happened to him, maybe he didn't want to. He wasn't going to question it.

**********End of Torture Description***********

"All I remember is waking up when I heard the gunshots and all I could think of was..." He turned his head to face her, she was sitting in front of him with her legs crossed, her hands were in her lap fiddling with the sheet beneath her fingers, avoiding looking at him. "That's my girl." Deeks said softly as he smiled at her. However, once he saw her expression change, now ethced with a firm frown on her face and fresh tears, he immediately retracted his statement. "Sorry, I know you're not my girl." Deeks said sadly, turning away from her.

"Deeks." Kensi reached out to touch his arm but he shrugged it off. "It's okay..." Deeks said sadly, offering her a hurt smile. His feelings were one-sided, she didn't reciprocate and that hurt, that hurt like hell.

"I was... I just... remembering what you looked like when I found you..." Kensi said softly. "Deeks, I thought you were dead." Kensi swiped at the tears falling down her cheeks. "Your t-shirt was red... it was completely covered with your blood... y... your head was drooped over, you were limp Deeks..."

Deeks sat up, angling his body towards her. He could see her shaking as she recounted her side of the story. Perhaps for the first time he began to realize just how much this had affected her also.

"You weren't responding... I couldn't find your pulse..." Kensi confessed, she shook her head remembering that awful moment. "I must have been screaming because Callen came running in from the other room. He found your pulse, I guess my hands were shaking too much..." Kensi wiped another tear from her cheek.

Deeks continued to watch her, surprised with how honest she was being with him. She was showing him a vulnerable side to herself that he had never seen before, openly crying with absolutely no attempt to hide it.

"I rode with you in the ambulance... god, I was so relieved that you were alive... but then... _you crashed_..." Kensi's voice cracked and she began sobbing uncontrollably in front of him.

Deeks scooted closer, reaching out and wrapping his arms tightly around her. "I'm still here Kens..." He whispered into her hair, the beautiful smell of her shampoo filling his lungs. He could feel her shudder in his arms in response, it only made him hold her tighter. "I have no idea how, but I'm still here." Deeks said letting a few tears of his own fall as he held onto her. Kensi buried her head further into his chest inhaling deeply as she struggled for air. The smell of him helped to comfort her, the unique scent was one she had grown to cherish. The smell of his blood and the sterile hospital was one that she never ever wanted to experience ever again.

For the first time in years Kensi allowed herself to be hugged completely and utterly unguarded, without any emotional barriers up to protect herself. She let out everything she had held inside for all of those months, all the worry, the pain, the absolute anguish, it just came flooding out of her.

It was only when she heard him sniff that she snapped herself out of her dispair. She peeled her face away from his chest and slowly tilted her head to look up at him. The sight that greeted her immediately broke her heart. The tear trail down his cheeks coupled with the sheer exhaustion on his face made him look completely broken inside. The liquid building up in his eyes only intensified the deep blue color in his iris, resulting in a sadness that she had never seen before. "Oh Deeks." Kensi said, reaching out her hand and quickly wiping the tears from his face with her thumb. She wrapped her arms tightly around him this time, feeling him bury his head in her shoulder.

He held onto her for dear life for what felt like hours yet was merely minutes. Once they finally broke apart Kensi reached out, taking both of his hands in her own. "Deeks, will you please talk to someone about this." She asked, concern weighing heavily upon her shoulders. She knew that he hadn't told her the full story of what had happened and it was clear that he was still harboring anger towards Sam.

Deeks looked deep into her eyes, he could see the mixture of concern and worry in them, as much as he wanted to, he couldn't say no to her. "Okay..." He agreed softly.

"You promise?" Kensi pressed him for confirmation, knowing that Deeks was a man of his word.

"Yes." Deeks grumbled his reply, turning away from her.

"Thank you... and thank you for telling me, for trusting me... it means a lot." Kensi said softly, squeezing his hands. Her gaze drifted to the alarm clock sitting behind him, it was now 5am. "Look, I'm gonna go, let you try and get some sleep." She said beginning the motion to get up. She didn't want to push her luck anymore than she already had.

"Don't." Deeks said, surprising her as he tightened his grip on her hand, lightly tugging her back towards the bed. "Please, stay."

There was no way Kensi could deny him, especially when he looked up at her with those sad, vulnerable eyes. Kensi smiled tiredly, "okay, I'll just turn off the light." She replied. Deeks reluctantly let go of her hand, watching as she walked towards the door, hoping that she was coming back. True to her word, she flicked off the light, walking back towards him. "Thank you." Deeks said genuinely as she got underneath the covers beside him. He moved his pillows towards the right side of the bed, waiting for her to scoot closer to him.

Given that they had to share Deeks' pillows it was only natural that he would wrap his arm around her waist, pulling her closer towards him. Well, that's what he told himself anyway, hoping that Kensi wouldn't mind his need for physical contact right now, given everything he had told her.

For the first time in a long time it didn't feel like the world was going to collapse and swallow him whole. It felt right holding onto her, hearing her breathing even out as she drifted off to sleep.

While she couldn't fix all of his problems, the fact that she had stayed there through thick and thin said it all.

* * *

Kensi had looked down at him peacefully sleeping for the last several minutes, propped up on her elbow, closely beside him. Her eyes trailed over his scruffy beard and his blonde wayward locks, admiring the way that his nose twitched now and then. She observed the rise and fall of his chest as he took long, even breaths, something that she would never take for granted ever again. She had spent hours sitting next to his hospital bed doing the same thing, making sure that he was breathing, that he was still alive.

When Deeks finally begins to stir, she doesn't bother trying to hide the fact that she was looking at him. It wasn't like she was looking at him with a long, loving gaze that she had to cover up.

"Hey." He said, his voice gruff as his sleepy blue eyes met her own. He smiled at her, glad that she was still with him. However, judging by her furrowed brow she had been worrying about him and he hated that.

"Hey." She replied, noticing immediately that the sparkle had returned to his eyes. It brought a smile to her lips, lighting up her entire face, washing away the look of concern seconds earlier.

"What time is it?" Deeks asked, noticing the sunshine streaming through the curtains.

"Late, I texted Hetty, said we wouldn't be in today."

"She ask any questions?" Deeks yawned, stretching his arms into the air.

"Actually, no."

"That's gotta be a first." Deeks laughed. He dropped his left arm lazily down onto her side, his hand settling over her waist. Although she was buried underneath a heavy sheet, she could feel the heat from his hand penetrating through. He had closed his eyes again, completely content to laze around with her.

"You know... part of me wished that I was there with you... that uh... we could have got through it together..." Kensi said, looking down as he opened his eyes up. "But after hearing what you said last night Deeks... I don't know if I could have watched them do that to you." She confessed drawing her eyes back up to meet his.

"Are you kidding me? The moment they touched you I would have told them everything they wanted to know." Deeks replied, removing his hand from her waist and reaching out to touch her cheek.

"Deeks..." Kensi protested weakly, resting her hand on his arm as he gently brushed the tear away from her cheek.

"What? It's true..." Deeks replied. There was a look on his face that told her he was completely serious. She watched as his eyes darted down to her lips, he was thinking about kissing her again.

"Then maybe we shouldn't be partners." Kensi said quietly, her head immediately dropped down as if she was ashamed of herself for even mentioning it. The intense eye contact they had been sharing had come to an abupt end. Deeks was a little surprised by her statement, immediately hurt by the mere suggestion of breaking up their partnership. "I mean, what if that happens to us one day?" Kensi asked, looking up through teary eyes.

Deeks could tell that she had been thinking about that distinct possibility happening to them one day. The genuine concern etched on her face just about destroyed him. "We just gotta make sure it doesn't happen..." Deeks replied, his eyes never deviating from her own.

"There are no guarantees in this job Deeks, you know that." Kensi sighed, breaking eye contact yet again as she rolled away from him. She couldn't go to the next level with him, it would be a terrible idea given their job, given the daily risks they faced. She was already in over her head, she had already experienced the pain of nearly losing him more times than she wanted to remember. Being in a relationship with him would only make the job that much harder and the pain of losing him that much greater. She couldn't put herself through that.

"I do know that, which is why I'm sick and tired of playing this stupid game Kens." Deeks sighed rolling out of bed.

"What game?" Kensi asked.

"How the hell doesn't she know?" Deeks thought, shaking his head as he looked at her. She was clearly confused about what he was talking about. "This game between us." Deeks replied, beginning to get dressed. "We never say what we really mean to each other because we're too damn scared of the fallout." He said angrily, pulling his shirt over his head and replacing it with another. "We're both jealous when we see each other with other people yet we keep pretending that there's nothing here." Deeks gestures between them with his hand before quickly putting on some pants. "I'm sick of it."

"W... what are you saying?" Kensi asked, sitting up nervously, quite frankly scared of his answer.

"I'm done, I want off this case. I need to take a break from this, us, whatever this is." Deeks replied, leaving the room, walking down the stairs and leaving the house without a second thought of looking back.


	9. Chapter 8

Special thanks to anonkp, what an awesome review. Thank you to all of those who have taken the time to write reviews, you are amazing. :) Sorry to those of you who are annoyed at me for dragging it out, I promise it will be wrapped up in a few chapters time, don't worry.

* * *

Deeks had been driving around for the past hour trying to gather his thoughts and plan his next move. While there was always LAPD to return to, they probably wouldn't look too kindly on him for walking out on his last case.

"Dammit." Deeks muttered to himself, knowing that his career prospects were not looking too bright.

There was always Hawaii... Great beaches, beautiful weather, he had wanted to retire there one day, why not speed up the process? It's not like he didn't deserve a break... He could picture it now, surfing all day, Monty at his side, sunbathing on the beach. A small smile broke out on Deeks' face as he imagined a fresh start for himself, leaving behind all the drama.

While he continued to weigh up the possible options for his life after NCIS there was always something that kept creeping into every scenario, ruining his plans. It was that damn thing called his conscience and it kept bringing him back to the case and the person he had walked out on.

He already had a dozen missed calls from Kensi sitting on his phone. As he pulled up to yet another red light courtesy of the diabolical L.A. traffic, he could see the screen on his phone start to glow again. Deeks had placed it on silent after the third call from her. Glancing down at it again Deeks noticed that there was a new name on the screen, it was Trent.

"Hello." Deeks answered more out of curiosity than anything else.

"Matt, can I meet up with you?" Trent asked, he was breathing heavily into the phone and his voice was shaky.

"Yeah sure man, what's up? Are you okay?" Deeks asked, finding himself being pulled back into the case.

"I'm... yeah... can we meet at Pan Pacific park in half an hour?" Trent asked. Deeks could hear the desperation in his voice, he was almost pleading for him to agree to it.

"Yeah sure, I'll head over there now." Deeks ended the call, making a u-turn in the opposite direction, violating several traffic codes in order to meet within the agreed half an hour.

* * *

Trent was nervous, his palms sweaty as he paced back and forth waiting. Deeks observed Trent's behavior from a distance for a few minutes, his instincts telling him that something was definitely wrong. Deeks took the time to check the perimeters, scanning his eyes across the surrounding area for any signs of Taylor.

"Hey man." Trent said nervously as Deeks finally approached him. Trent was frantically looking around, making sure that they weren't being followed.

"What's up, why'd you call me?" Deeks asked, gesturing towards the park bench in front of them. As they sat down Deeks noticed that both of Trent's hands were shaking uncontrollably. "Look man, if you're caught up in something, then I wanna help you." Deeks said, leaning down slightly, trying to see Trent's face. It was obscured by his hoodie pulled tightly over his head and obscuring his eyes, casting a dark shadow over his face.

"I'm not caught up in anything." Trent replied, a little too quickly for Deeks' liking. He was refusing to maintain eye contact with Deeks and was continually looking around the park, clearly paranoid that someone was after him.

"Trent, I'm a lawyer, I've seen how people get themselves into bad situations, I've dealt with the fallout. Divorces, murders, restraining orders, you name it, I've worked on it. I want to help you, you just need to tell me what's going on." Deeks said, hoping that it would allow Trent to open up to him.

"I didn't mean to get involved in this..." Trent replied, his voice trembling with fear.

"Involved in what?" Deeks pressed him gently, knowing that he was extremely fragile, any wrong move could scare him off.

"I really needed the money..." Trent began fiddling with the sleeve of his hoodie, trying desperately to rationalize the situation in his head. "I couldn't afford to pay for college..."

"I can understand that, college is really expensive." Deeks replied, sympathizing with the young man.

"What are you talking about, man? You have the nice house, the expensive car..." Trent said dismissively.

"Yeah now I do. I didn't have it back then though, I worked hard to get all those things. I did some things that were pretty embarrassing just to get by." Deeks replied, going completely against his cover story for the time being.

"Yeah?" Trent replied, looking up at him for the first time since they had sat down.

"Yeah, _trust me_." Deeks replied, chuckling slightly as he thought back to his time as a male stripper.

Trent sighed turning his attention to the women walking in the park, admiring the way that they pranced around without a care in the world. Oh how he wished his life could be that easy... "About two months ago James came up to me asking if I wanted to earn some quick cash." Trent said softly, moving his hand to the back of his neck, scratching lightly at the guilt suddenly building up there. "Of course I jumped at the chance, I arrived at his house expecting to do some yard work or I dunno _something_, but he had other ideas..." Trent cleared his throat and stared off into the distance, delaying the rest of the story.

"Go on, man." Deeks lightly encouraged him, sensing his reluctance to continue.

"He handed me this package... it was all taped up, I couldn't see inside it. I guessed it was drugs of some sort..." Trent shook his head, cursing at himself, wondering how he could have been so stupid. "I told him that there was no way I was getting involved... But uh... he told me that I already was... that it was too late to back out of it... that he'd have to kill me." Trent buried his head in his hands, clearly ashamed of himself.

Deeks lightly rested his hand on Trent's shoulder giving it a reassuring squeeze, urging him to continue.

"I did the meet, I made the exchange, got the cash for him." Trent continued, tears were starting to form in his eyes.

"How much?" Deeks asked softly.

"A lot. It was in an envelope, I wasn't supposed to look... but I did... The packages just kept getting bigger and bigger and so did the cash..." Trent confessed.

"How much do you think the last one was worth?" Deeks asked, wanting to know what he was dealing with.

"Hundreds of thousands of dollars, man." Trent replied.

Deeks swallowed hard knowing that that amount of money in the hands of a terror suspect could only mean bad news. If Taylor wanted to do lots of damage then he certainly had the cash behind him. Who knows what the psycho was planning. So far all Deeks really knew about him was that he had issues with his ex-wife.

"This last deal was bad, man... Everything about it felt off..." Trent recalled, his right leg starting to shake just as much as his hands.

"What happened?" Deeks asked calmly, noticing that Trent's behavior was symptomatic of PTSD.

"They tried to kill me and take off with the package."

"How did you escape?"

"James followed me... he uh... he shot them." Trent said softly, tears streaming down his face.

"Come here, man." Deeks pulled him into his arms as he sobbed. "It's going to be okay, I'm going to help you out." Deeks said, trying to calm him down.

"I'm going to take you to a safe place, alright?" Deeks said after a few minutes had passed.

Trent simply nodded his head in agreement.

* * *

Meanwhile Kensi was still at the cover house pacing back and forth wondering what she should do. Deeks had been gone for over two hours now and whatever hope she had remaining was dwindling as the minutes ticked by. The look on Deeks' face as he stormed out told her that he wasn't coming back. The anger in his eyes as he left her was something that she would never forget.

If she could go back to that moment with his hand resting on her cheek, looking at her as if she was the only woman in the world that mattered to him, then she would re-write it completely. She would give in to her emotions instead of retreating behind the walls that she had put up to protect herself. Because if this is what protecting herself felt like, then it totally wasn't worth it. She was a mess, plain and simple. She hadn't cried this much since her father died. It wasn't really the fact that he had left her that was upsetting her, it was the fact that she had been the one to drive him away.

She had waited as long as possible hoping that he would return, that he would somehow change his mind. Yet she couldn't put it off any longer, she knew she had to call it in. Unwillingly Kensi reached for her cellphone. She tried Deeks one last time, hoping that he would somehow pick up the phone and agree to come back. Yet unsurprisingly it once again went to voicemail. Kensi felt her heart drop knowing that she had to call Hetty and let her know what was happening.

Reluctantly pressing the numbers into her phone, Kensi hesitated, hovering her thumb over the big green telephone icon, hoping that by some miracle Deeks would walk through the door. As her screen faded to black, Kensi sighed, wiping the solitary tear that fell down her cheek. "Quit stalling." She cursed to herself, re-entering her password, unlocking her phone.

"Yo?"

"Hey Eric, can you put me through to Hetty please?"

"Yeah sure Kens, putting you through now." Eric replied, transferring her to a secure line.

"Hetty, hi." Kensi said, biting her fingernail anxiously as the older woman answered the phone.

"Ms Blye, is everything alright? I did give you the day off after all." Hetty replied.

"Hetty... I... it's Deeks, he's taken off... I..."

"Taken off where?" Hetty inquired.

"I don't know."

"Alright, come into ops, I'll get Eric to trace his location, I'm sure he hasn't gone too far." Hetty replied trying to calm Kensi down, she could tell just by hearing Kensi's voice that she was freaking out.

"Okay."

* * *

"Where are we going?" Trent asked, reluctantly walking over to Deeks' car.

"Trust me okay, I'm not working for James, we're going to a safe place. You have my word." Deeks replied, taking his phone out to call Hetty, informing her that he was bringing Trent to the boatshed.

Sam and Callen were already waiting for him.

"Guys this is Trent, Trent this is Sam and Callen, they aren't going to hurt you." Deeks assured the young man.

"Okay." Trent avoided eye contact with the two men, trying to figure out where the hell he was.

"Here man, take a seat, I'll get you something to drink." Deeks gestured towards the couch. Trent looked like he had seen a ghost, his skin was pale and his hands were still shaking.

"So he saw Taylor kill those guys?" Sam whispered to Deeks, observing Trent's behavior.

"Yeah, he's pretty torn up about it too. Super paranoid, might have PTSD." Deeks replied, grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge and returning it to Trent.

Deeks rejoined Callen and Sam who were now standing around the table. "So we have enough to arrest Taylor?" Deeks asked.

"Yeah but we don't know what he's up to, we don't know how many guys he might have recruited. Taking him out now may leave room for a successor to go through with whatever he's got planned." Callen replied. There were far too many unanswered questions to arrest Taylor just yet.

"So what do we do?" Deeks asked, rubbing his hand through his hair in frustration.

"We need more info on Taylor, you and Kensi need to keep digging." Callen replied.

"Gentlemen, may I have a word with Mr Deeks?" Hetty asked, appearing seemingly out of nowhere.

"Of course." Callen replied, all three men were shocked to see the small woman. Despite her age she was still as sharp as ever, particularly when it came to stealth. Sam and Callen left the boatshed, politely waiting outside, pondering what was going on inside.

"Hetty." Deeks said simply, judging by the look on her face she knew what had happened with Kensi earlier.

"You walked out." Hetty stated, waiting for him to explain his actions to her.

"I did not walk out on the case." Deeks replied, trying to clarify the situation.

"You walked out on your partner."

"Hetty I...

"Mr Deeks, if Trent hadn't of called you today, would you have returned to the house?" Hetty asked, narrowing her eyes at him.

"Yes."

Yet there was a second of hesitation before he answered and that told Hetty everything she needed to know. She simply nodded her head in response to his answer, deciding in that instant to take him off the case.

"Go, comfort him." Hetty said, looking over Deeks' shoulder, towards Trent.

Deeks walked back over to Trent knowing that was an order, not a suggestion.

* * *

Exiting the boatshed Hetty noticed that Sam and Callen had been joined by Kensi. She had no doubt been informed of the developments in the case back at ops.

"Ms Blye, may I have a word please." Hetty said.

"Of course." Kensi replied, walking away from the guys who each shared a confused look, wondering what the quiet meetings were all about. "I don't like this, somethin's up." Sam said quietly watching as Kensi and Hetty moved away. Callen shared his partner's sentiments, watching on with intense suspicion as the two women talked.

"I've decided to take you two off the case." Hetty said, there was sympathy in her tone and her expression as she informed Kensi.

Kensi completely understood her decision. She hated herself for even putting Hetty into that position in the first place. "Okay." Kensi replied softly, fighting back the tears that were already starting to build up in her eyes.

Kensi stayed a few steps behind Hetty as she walked back towards Callen and Sam.

"Gentlemen, Ms Blye and Mr Deeks are no longer working on this case." Hetty stated.

"Why? We still need to find out more info on Taylor." Callen gave Hetty a questioning look, glancing over towards Kensi. He could tell by Kensi's body language that something was wrong. She was looking at the ground, standing with her arms wrapped tightly around herself. It wasn't a particularly cold day, therefore her actions told Callen that she was trying to comfort herself. Callen flicked his eyes back towards Hetty as she began to speak again.

"Indeed, which is why you shall go in undercover Mr Callen. Mr Deeks and Ms Blye's cover is no longer viable given the information that has come to light today." Hetty said, speaking almost cryptically.

"What information?" Callen pressed, frowning at the older woman's need for secrecy.

"That is none of your concern, Mr Callen." Hetty's tone warned him to stand down.

"It is my concern when it involves my team." Callen replied. He had grown far more protective of his team after the case with Sidorov.

"I've made my decision, Mr Callen." Hetty replied, remaining firm.

"Have you told Deeks?" Callen asked.

"Not yet." Hetty replied.

"Well who's going to tell him?" Callen asked. Judging by Deeks' behavior lately, he wasn't going to take it well.

"I'll do it." Kensi said sadly, stepping up towards them.

"No, I'll do it." Sam said.

"I don't think that's a good idea." Kensi warned, trying to stop Sam from entering inside but it was too late.

* * *

"Deeks." Sam said walking over to him by the seated area inside, Callen, Kensi and Hetty had all hung back, standing just inside the door of the boatshed.

"What?" Deeks replied, immediately getting the feeling that this was an intervention.

"Hetty thinks that it'd be for the best to take you and Kensi off this case." Sam said, watching as Deeks' facial expression changed, anger washing over his entire body.

"No, I'm staying on it."

"Deeks, it's Hetty's call, you're off." Sam replied with a firm tone.

"No way."

"Go home Deeks, get some sleep, you look like hell." Sam added.

"This is bullshit, you know that right?" Deeks yelled at Callen, storming over to confront the team leader.

"Deeks, you need to calm down, clearly you're not coping too well with this assignment." Callen said.

"To hell I'm not coping." Deeks replied, getting up in Callen's face.

"You're off the case." Sam repeated, standing beside Callen.

"This is all your doing isn't it? You're the one that did this!" Deeks yelled, angrily pointing at Kensi as he pushed against Callen trying to confront her.

That was enough for Sam, he stepped closer to Deeks and warned him to back off. "Enough." Sam said, pressing lightly against Deeks' chest, trying to get him to calm down. Yet that small gesture completely backfired, pushing Deeks over the edge. He recoiled his fist and punched Sam right in the face, knuckles firmly connecting with jawbone, sending Sam stumbling backwards into his partner who immediately reached out to steady him.

"You got it, I'm done." Deeks said to Hetty, storming out of the boatshed.

"What the hell happened between you two?" Callen asked Kensi who was now in tears.

"This is not Ms Blye's fault." Hetty said, wrapping her arm around Kensi's shoulder, trying to offer her some comfort.

"It's mine." Sam replied solemnly.


	10. Chapter 9

Hey guys, thank you for the kind reviews. I've decided to go in a different direction for this chapter. I was really inspired by the song Every Day Is Exactly The Same by the Nine Inch Nails so the lyrics will feature at the start of this chapter, I've placed them in italics. Let me know what you think :)

* * *

_I believe I can see the future_  
_ Cause I repeat the same routine_  
_ I think I used to have a purpose_  
_ But then again_  
_ That might have been a dream_  
_ I think I used to have a voice_  
_ Now I never make a sound_  
_ I just do what I've been told_  
_ I really don't want them to come around_

_ Oh, no_

Deeks never imagined that his career would come to this, shuffling paper all day, mindlessly scribbling his signature on file after file and tossing it on top of the ever-growing stack...

_Every day is exactly the same_  
_ Every day is exactly the same_  
_ There is no love here and there is no pain_  
_ Every day is exactly the same_

He had been back at LAPD for a little over two weeks now, deciding to sever all ties with NCIS the day he got taken off the Taylor case. While his ex-team mates had made repeated attempts to convince him otherwise, Deeks was standing by his decision to leave. Unfortunately his transition back to the LAPD had been a rocky one for a number of reasons, foremost was his attitude. It didn't help matters that the precinct was rife with gossip about what had caused his departure from NCIS.

_ I can feel their eyes are watching_  
_ In case I lose myself again_  
_ Sometimes I think I'm happy here_  
_ Sometimes, yet I still pretend_  
_ I can't remember how this got started_  
_ But I can tell you exactly how it will end_

Despite his years of experience and the string of commendations earned along the way Deeks was now a glorified paper shuffler. Due to his repeated failure to attend counselling sessions Deeks had been relegated to desk duty. Lieutenant Bates insisted that his hands were tied, that until he got clearance from a psychologist, he wasn't allowed out into the field in any way, shape, or form, not even on traffic duty. Deeks ripped into him letting the entire office hear his disapproval of the situation. He was lucky to only get sent home that day, the series of expletives he dished out rivalled those of a truck driver. Yet Bates went easy on him, perhaps it was out of sympathy for Deeks' situation, or perhaps he just feared the repercussions of a certain tiny, woman if he reacted with a firm hand.

_Every day is exactly the same_  
_ Every day is exactly the same_  
_ There is no love here and there is no pain_  
_ Every day is exactly the same_

Deeks had taken to consuming large amounts of alcohol to try and block out the nightmares that were still plaguing him. While it didn't keep them at bay, it went some way towards numbing the pain of the last few months of his life. He felt an intense sense of grief for the life he had previously, longing for things to return to the way they were before. Although his previous life was not by any means perfect, it was a walk in the park compared to what he had now. Before he could brush things off using humor, choosing to ignore the painful memories of his past. But now, he simply couldn't do it anymore. The events over the past several months, the torture with Sidorov, the comments from Sam, the fact that Kensi had pulled away from him when it really counted, he had reached his breaking point, he didn't care anymore.

_ I'm writing on a little piece of paper_  
_ I'm hoping someday you might find_  
_ Well I'll hide it behind something_  
_ They won't look behind_  
_ I'm still inside here_  
_ A little bit comes bleeding through_  
_ I wish this could have been any other way_  
_ But I just don't know, I don't know what else I can do_

The mundane daily grind was driving him insane. A man so used to constant adrenaline that comes with being a cop, Deeks' new position had left him completely lost. He had caught himself watching the clock more times in the past five days than he had in his entire life.

_Every day is exactly the same_  
_ Every day is exactly the same_  
_ There is no love here and there is no pain_  
_ Every day is exactly the same_

Something had to give sooner or later. It was only a matter of time.

* * *

Kensi had conflicted emotions about Deeks' absence. While she understood his need to get away from everyone for a while, she didn't quite expect him to quit NCIS entirely. It had left her an emotional wreck, blaming herself for pushing him away. Deeks hadn't returned any of her phone calls, he refused to let her inside his apartment when she tried to visit him, he had shut her out of his life completely. For now, Hetty was her only source of information on him.

The entire team had been left reeling by Deeks' decision. Callen and Sam continued to play the blame game, feeling equally responsible for Deeks leaving. They had just wrapped up the case with Taylor arresting him in the early hours of the morning. After a short interrogation Taylor divulged information about his plans. He blamed the American justice system for screwing him over and siding with his ex-wife during their divorce. She had been awarded full custody of their son leaving him with no visitation rights. In response to the verdict, Taylor had planned a series of coordinated attacks on a number of high-profile judges and two government departments. Unwittingly he had enlisted Sam as his explosives technician and in-turn signed his own arrest warrant.

With the case safely wrapped up the team now turned their attention fully to Operation Deeks. Eric had jokingly suggested the name during a team bonding night. Although it had initially received disproving glares from everyone, the name had stuck. The plan was fairly straightforward, they were going to do their best to convince Deeks to get the help he needed to return to where he belonged.

"Okay Eric, what do we know?" Sam asked using a hushed tone as the team gathered around their desks in the bullpen.

"Alright, Kens, Deeks is in the office today until 5 so you should have plenty of time to reach him if you go now." Eric said.

"Okay." Kensi grabbed her jacket and headed off to LAPD's precinct.

"Is he still avoiding the counselling sessions?" Sam asked.

"Afraid so." Nell replied, opening up a document on her tablet. She had hacked it from the psychiatric facility, it showed all of the appointments that Deeks had missed. Nell showed it to Sam who read it disapprovingly.

"Dammit." Sam cursed.

"Look let's try to stay positive here, let's see if Kensi can get through to him and get him to agree to meet us tonight yeah?" Callen suggested, trying to calm his partner down.

"C'mon G, we both know Deeks isn't going to agree to meet us tonight..." Sam sighed heading towards the gym.

"Sam!" Callen yelled after him, watching as he blew him off completely. When Sam was like this it was best not to follow him.

* * *

Kensi traced the outline of the sign on the door lightly with her index finger. 'Detective Marty Deeks.' She inhaled deeply, trying to build up the courage to enter. She knew he wouldn't be pleased to see her, he had told her in no uncertain terms to leave him alone the last time she had tried to visit him.

She knocked on his door a few times, waiting nervously for a reply.

"C'min." Deeks grumbled, not bothering to look up from his desk, his head buried in a file. There were a series of crime scene photos strewn all over his desk.

"Hey." Kensi said, tentatively stepping closer to him, she knew she was walking on eggshells by visiting him at work. She gently bit down on her lip, watching his reaction with a bated breath.

Deeks' head shot up from the paperwork in front of him as he recognized the unmistakable voice. "What are you doing here?" There was anger in his voice as he slammed the file shut, looking up at her with a scowl on his face.

"What? I can't visit my partner?" Kensi replied calmly, she was expecting the hostility. She took a moment to look at his face under the harsh office lighting, the tired lines spoke volumes about his current sleeping habits. The small lamp on his desk illuminated the dark circles under his eyes which had grown to disproportionate levels threatening to overtake his cheeks. Kensi knew that his exhaustion wasn't related to a case, the nightmares were still keeping him awake at night. The dishevelled state of his hair was on an entirely new level, he was growing it out to a length she had never seen before.

Deeks sighed, opting to ignore her choice of words. He wasn't her partner anymore. He wasn't her anything. Why was she even here?

"How is everything with you?" Kensi asked, taking a seat in the chair in front of his desk. It was a stupid question and she knew it, she could tell just by looking at him that everything had gone to hell.

"Let's see, I'm stuck on desk duty because Hetty has done everything in her power to prevent me from doing anything useful with my time..."

Kensi interrupted before he could go any further. "Yeah well if you weren't so stubborn and actually attended your counselling sessions then maybe you wouldn't be stuck here."

"I don't need counselling sessions."

"Oh really? Tell me then, when was the last time you got an actual, decent night's sleep?" Kensi pressed.

Deeks rolled his eyes frustratedly placing his hands on his head as if to say 'gimme a break'. As he stretched back in the chair his back clicked loudly protesting against the hours of sitting down.

"Yeah I thought so, still having those nightmares? You need to talk to someone Deeks, you can't keep running on these stupid giant cups of coffee, your body can't handle it." Kensi gestured towards the oversized cups strewn over his desk, knocking one over in the process. She was about to continue her rant but a young woman entered into his office.

"Here are those files you requested, Detective." The woman said handing the files over to him with a beaming smile on her face.

"Thanks Mandy, you still on for tonight?" Deeks asked, his tone wasn't light-hearted or flirty, it was actually monotone with a hint of tiredness.

Kensi watched their conversation with a close eye, flicking back between Deeks and Mandy, searching for visual clues that they were dating.

"Of course, wouldn't miss it." Mandy winked at Deeks before leaving the room.

"Oh my gosh, you're not seeing her are you?" Kensi practically blurted out in disgust as soon as Mandy left, fighting back a tinge of jealousy. The woman looked like an absolute bimbo as far as Kensi was concerned, she had blonde hair and a stupid ditzy smile straight out of a beauty pageant.

"So what if I am? What the hell is it to you?" Deeks replied. He wasn't seeing her but Kensi didn't need to know that.

"I care about you Deeks, I hate seeing you like this." Kensi replied, walking around to his side of the desk, perching herself on the corner of it. She was careful not to disturb any of the items in the process.

"Like what? Happy?" Deeks replied. He knew how ridiculous it sounded, especially when his entire demeanor implied anything but happiness.

"Oh bullshit, you're not happy here. They treat you like crap, you don't belong here, Deeks." Kensi began to pace around, folding her arms across her chest as she tried to calm herself down.

"I don't belong at NCIS either" Deeks said sadly, throwing his pen down on top of the desk. "_I don't belong anywhere_" he thought to himself.

"Deeks..."

"No, it's true, I'm not going to be your punching bag again, I don't have your 'special agent training'." Deeks sarcastically replied. "There is no way in hell I'm going back there."

"Deeks."

"No, just go already, I'm not coming back." Deeks brought his hand to his forehead, rubbing it over the lines suddenly feeling a headache coming on.

Kensi sighed. "Please, just come and have a drink with us tonight so we can talk about things." Kensi reached out for his hand that was sitting on top of the desk. She lightly squeezed it, trying to get through to him.

"I already have plans." Deeks replied meekly, looking down at her hand overtop his.

"What, with your 15-year-old assistant out there?" Kensi replied, her tone was snarky, she snatched her hand away from him.

"She's 23, and yes, I do have plans."

"Fine... I don't know why I bothered." Kensi shook her head, biting back the jealousy she was feeling towards Mandy. This is not how she had envisaged this meeting going.

"Me either, and tell the rest of those idiots to quit trying to contact me."

Kensi exited the office slamming the door on the way out. She headed straight over to Mandy's desk. She fought back the urge to wring her neck, opting for a smile instead. "I don't suppose you could tell me where you're going tonight could you?" Kensi asked in the nicest possible voice. "It's just, I'm worried that Deeks might be in danger." Kensi flashed her badge to the young office admin.

"What kind of danger?" Mandy replied worriedly.

"I'm afraid that's classified." Kensi replied, putting her badge away. "I kind of want to keep an eye on him just in case, we may not be partners anymore but that doesn't mean I don't care." Kensi said, going straight for the sympathy card.

Mandy had heard the office gossip, she knew that Deeks had been with NCIS for the last several years. "Of course, I totally understand." Mandy replied, nodding her head. "But I don't think you need to worry about him tonight, we're all going out for drinks at the bar just down the street, it's called Soul. I doubt that anything will happen to him when he's surrounded by half of the LA police force." Mandy laughed.

"Oh that's great, thank you so much." Kensi replied, suddenly at ease knowing that he wasn't exclusively going out on a date with her.

"No problem." Mandy replied with a smile.

Kensi smirked as she walked out of the building. "Hey Eric, he's going to be at Soul bar tonight, tell the guys."

* * *

Later that night Deeks sat alone at the bar drinking himself into oblivion. It had become somewhat of a routine lately. While there were a few police officers scattered around the bar, he was not in the slightest bit interested in engaging them in a conversation. He slammed down his empty shot glass, asking the bartender for another. He felt the burn hit the back of his throat as he downed it quickly, asking for the same again.

As he directed his attention towards the door at the far end of the bar he could see three familiar figures entering inside. "Oh come on..." Deeks muttered angrily slamming the shot glass down on the bench in front of him.

"Hey Deeks." Sam says approaching him first.

"Fancy finding you here." Callen says smugly, wrapping his arm around Deeks' shoulders.

"Yeah fancy that..." Deeks replies accusingly glaring at Kensi.

"Let's take a walk." Sam suggests, nodding towards a quiet corner of the bar. Callen guides Deeks over to a booth away from everyone else.

"You're wasting your breath." Deeks sighs, sitting opposite Sam and Callen. Kensi sits beside him, effectively trapping him against the wall, unable to leave.

"You're wasting your time at LAPD." Sam shoots back without missing a beat.

"Deeks you belong at NCIS." Callen added.

"We miss you." Kensi said.

It was a trifecta of pity to which Deeks could only laugh. "I have a hard time believing that..." He replied sceptically, running a hand through his hair.

"What it's true? Eric misses his surfing buddy, Nell misses your impersonations of Granger, Hetty has been beyond pissed ever since you left, Deeks, we miss you, right guys?" Kensi looked at Callen and Sam for back-up.

"It's true, we do." Callen agreed. "Even the big guy here." Callen gestured towards Sam who had a serious expression on his face. "I'm sick of seeing your partner moping around everyday." Sam added. "I do not mope around." Kensi protested. For a second there Deeks began to feel at home.

"Guys gimme a second alone with Deeks." Sam asked, gesturing for them to leave. Callen and Kensi headed towards the bar, giving them space to talk.

Sam rested his arms on the table in front of them, clasping his hands together as he spoke. "Look Deeks, I know we never really got along when you were with us but I promise you, next time, things will be different." Sam said.

"Oh really?" Deeks replied, disbelieving him.

"Yes really, I give you my word."

"Your word doesn't mean shit to me, Sam."

"That's not true. Otherwise you wouldn't be so tied up about what I said to you that day we got taken." Sam replied.

"What has Kensi been telling you?" Deeks replied, a little pissed off thinking that she had blabbed to Sam.

"Nothin', I can see it when you look at me Deeks. I can see the anger, the hurt I caused by sayin' that to you, I felt it when you punched me." Deeks didn't reply so Sam just continued. "We need you back, Kensi needs you back, Deeks. She's reckless out there without you, you know that, you calm her down out there, she needs you to have her back."

"Yeah well I can't have her back anymore." Deeks replied, his tone contained hints of both regret and sadness that did not go unnoticed by Sam.

"Why not?" Sam pressed him.

"Why don't you ask her..." Deeks replied bitterly.

"You gave up the right to hold anything against her the minute you walked out on her Deeks." Sam replied.

"You know what? I don't need this..." Deeks said standing up, he was a little unsteady on his feet, but he managed to walk off.

"How did it go?" Kensi asked rushing back to Sam after a few minutes.

"Bad." Sam replied sharing a look of concern with Callen.

"I'm going to stay, make sure he gets home alright." Kensi replied, directing her attention back towards her partner who was sitting over at the bar again.

Callen and Sam shared another look of concern, this time for Kensi. "Okay, let us know if you need any help." Callen said.

* * *

"What do you want?" Deeks said coldly, drinking from a bottle of beer that Kensi noticed was almost empty.

"To make sure that you don't drink yourself to death." Kensi replied, watching as he downed the remaining liquid in one large gulp.

"I'm not even drunk." Deeks protested, uneasily getting to his feet. She had to reach out to steady him before he fell face-first into the bar. The commotion caused several of the LAPD detectives to look over at him with disgust, shaking their heads. Kensi glared back at them, fighting the urge to flip them off. They didn't know what Deeks had been through, assholes.

"I gotta pee." Deeks announced, trying to free himself from her. Kensi wasn't having a bar of it however, she kept a firm grip around his waist refusing to let him walk without her. "Let me help you." She said accompanying him all the way to the bathroom. "I'm taking you home once you're done." Kensi said waiting outside as he stumbled through the door.

"Dammit, I thought you would have left." Deeks said, there was a mischievous sparkle in his eye as he announced his devious plan. He was hoping that if he waited long enough, she would leave. He was clearly wasted, grinning at her like an idiot, yet looking utterly adorable in the process. This was the first time he had smiled at her all night, he was definitely drunk. He was leaning heavily against the door of the bathroom for support.

"Not a chance." Kensi replied, drawing her attention down towards his jeans. "Your fly is undone."

"Just speeding up the process of how this night is going to end." Deeks slurred, directing his attention to the two women walking past him, giving them a cheesy smile. If he wasn't desperately trying to keep himself upright, they would probably have been interested.

"Urgh, no it's not." Kensi replied, slinging his arm around her shoulders, helping him to walk towards the exit.

"You sure about that?" Deeks slurred, leaning against her heavily.

"Please tell me you haven't been coming to bars every night since you left us." Kensi said, a little disgusted at the thought, guiding him towards her car.

"Well I wasn't getting any love from you, may as well try my luck elsewhere." Deeks replied bitterly, pushing his hip into hers as he staggered forwards, tripping over his own feet.

"He's drunk, he's drunk." Kensi repeated to herself, fighting the urge to punch him in the face. She forcefully grabbed onto his arm, pulling him along with her.

"Come on." She said pushing him into her car, helping him to sit in the passenger seat. His head immediately tilted to the side, his eyes closing as he relaxed back into the seat. Kensi awkwardly had to reach over him to place the seatbelt on. She sighed as she looked down at him. "You better not throw up in my car."

* * *

"Deeks." Kensi nudged him awake with a few well placed pokes to the ribs.

"Huh? Wah?" Deeks mumbled, wondering where the hell he was.

"I'm not carrying you up to your apartment, come on." Kensi said, tugging at his arm and helping him to his feet. Deeks moaned and groaned as he stood up, the pavement in front of him was beginning to spin. Kensi had to wrap both her arms tightly around him or else he would have toppled over. Now engaged in an awkward embrace with her partner Kensi tried to shut the car door behind him. Eventually she got it shut by maneuvering her leg around him and shoving it closed with her foot. She was now faced with the task of getting him up to his apartment.

"C'mon, focus." Kensi said angrily as Deeks moved at an excruciatingly slow pace still trying to regather his bearings.

"Immmm movin..." Deeks replied, slightly dragging his feet behind him as he walked.

"Where's your keys?" Kensi asked. They were going to have to climb a large flight of stairs to get to his apartment, she didn't want to muck around finding his keys while they were at the top.

Deeks began patting himself down trying to find his keys. Kensi sighed knowing where he usually put them, unfortunately she was going to have to reach into his back pocket. "Hold still." She warned, using one arm to steady him and the other to reach into his back pocket for his keys. She pulled out his cellphone, and his wallet dropping the keys down to the pavement below. "Dammit." She cursed, momentarily letting go of Deeks as she reached down to pick them up. The key chain had broken off leaving a number of keys scattered all over the place. Although it took no longer than thirty seconds to regather them, once she turned around she couldn't find Deeks. After a quick survey of the surrounding area she found him relieving himself on a tree beside the car park.

"Oh my gosh, seriously?" Kensi asked, shaking her head as she looked away.

The commotion had caused one of the neighbors to turn their light on. "What the hell is going on out there?" A man yelled from the window.

"Nothing, sorry to wake you up, he had a bit too much to drink." Kensi replied, utterly embarrassed.

"Fuck off." Deeks added, flipping the guy off.

"Your boyfriend is a real jerk." The man yelled towards Kensi who wanted to dig herself a hole and jump in at this point.

"Go fuck yourself." Deeks replied, zipping up his fly before stumbling back over to Kensi who stood there completely stunned by his behavior.

"What?" Deeks asked with a scowl on his face.

"Keep your voice down okay? I don't want anyone calling the cops." Kensi replied in a hushed town, hoping that he would follow her example.

"Fuck LAPD." Deeks replied, stumbling into her. He attempted to use her for stability but the action just about sent them toppling down towards the ground. Kensi had to use all her strength to push against him to keep them upright as they made their way awkwardly up the steps, stopping and starting several times along the way due to Deeks' inebriated state.

"Wait here." Kensi said leaning him against the wall as she unlocked the door. Monty was enthusiastically wagging his tail from side to side as she opened the door up. "Watch out baby." Kensi said to Monty as she tried to maneuver Deeks inside the door without injuring anyone in the process. The dog retreated several steps allowing them to enter inside.

"I'mmm home, can go now." Deeks said rudely, collapsing face down on the couch.

"Deeks, you can hardly walk, I'm not leaving you like this, come on." Kensi tugged lightly at his arm, trying to get him to move. Her journey just to get this far had been impressive, Deeks certainly wasn't the lightest person in the world.

"I'mmma stay here." Deeks mumbled into the pillow, burying his head further into it.

"No you're not, come on." Kensi tugged again, sending him crashing down to the floor. He landed with a thud, looking up at her with confusion, rubbing his head.

She felt a little guilty but it quickly passed. "Get up." She said, bending down behind him as she helped him sit up. She reached her arms around his waist, pulling him up to his feet with a great deal of effort. Once again slipping his arm around her shoulders she escorted him down the hall, bumping into the walls several times before eventually reaching the destination.

As they entered into the bedroom Kensi felt herself start to tip over. At first it felt like Deeks had stumbled and fallen against her but as his mouth roughly claimed her own it became clear that he had actually pushed her up against the wall. His hands held her firmly in place, gripping on to her hips, his body tightly pressing against hers. Before she knew what was happening his tongue was entering inside her mouth.

"Deeks stop, you're drunk." Kensi said, pushing against his chest, blocking his hands from travelling to somewhere they shouldn't.

"If I wasn't would you still say no?" He asked, his eyes boring a hole into her own, his face just inches from her. She could feel his breath against her face as he spoke, the smell of alcohol overpowering her. She could taste it in her mouth, the remnants of their kiss still lingering. She shuddered slightly as his lips moved to her neck planting sloppy kisses down towards her collarbone. She felt her knees start to give-way as he continued his trail, his hands moving underneath her shirt roaming up and down her sides, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake.

As much as she may have wanted to she knew that she couldn't let it happen like this. "Deeks, stop." Kensi said, this time forcefully pushing him away. He stumbled backwards several steps, looking back at her with a confused expression, clearly this scenario had never happened to him before.

"Go to sleep, Deeks." Kensi said, turning away from him.

Deeks mumbled something that vaguely sounded like bathroom and shut the door behind him.

Kensi took the time to distract herself from what had just happened, looking around his room she could see that it was in a state of disarray. The sheets were scattered all over the place, the bed hadn't been made from the previous night. There were clothes strewn all over the place, he was rivalling her for tripping hazards. She collected the clothes and piled them up into the corner and started to make the bed. As she shook out one of Deeks' blankets something fell to the floor. She stared down at it for a few seconds, a lump starting to form in her throat. The lacy black bra beneath her obviously didn't belong to Deeks...

She continued to look at it, fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall. He wasn't hers, she had no claim on what he did or who he did for that matter, why the hell did it hurt so much?

Kensi reached down and picked it up by the strap, as if she was collecting evidence on a case. She held it away from her body, intending to throw it on to Deeks' clothing pile. However, Deeks decided to return from the bathroom right at that moment. He was wearing nothing but his black boxers and his eyes immediately travelled down to the item she was holding in her hand.

"I'm s... sorry." Deeks slurred as he stumbled towards her. Kensi threw the bra on to the pile of clothes in the corner, moving towards him to help him get inside the bed.

"It's okay." Kensi replied, pulling the covers over him as she sat down beside him.

"No issss not." Deeks mumbled softly "you're saddd, can telll" he said, reaching up to touch her cheek, brushing away the tear that fell down with his thumb. While he was struggling to keep his eyes open, the glimpses that she got told her that he was genuinely concerned. The deep blue shade was both haunting and beautiful at the same time. "Shhh Deeks, go to sleep." She said, absent-mindedly stroking her hand through his hair.

"I love you Kens." It was just loud enough for her to hear and he was asleep within seconds of saying it. Given his intoxicated state she wondered how much he really meant it, he would never have said it if he wasn't drunk, things between them were far too messy.

She left his room to go sleep on the couch with Monty curling up beside her on the floor.

* * *

The sound of Deeks entering into the kitchen in search of a glass of water woke Kensi up the following morning.

"How's the head?" She asked, stretching as she got up from the couch. Although it was comfortable to sit on, it wasn't exactly made for sleeping.

"Jesus." Deeks said, jumping back, somehow managing to not drop his glass in the process. "What the hell are you doing here?" He asked, wiping the water he had spilled on his chest with a tea towel.

"I stayed over last night to make sure that you were okay, don't you remember?" Kensi asked, leaning down to pat Monty before making her way to the kitchen. She narrowed her eyes at him trying to gauge his reaction to her question.

"All I remember is you ruining my night at the bar." Deeks said, swallowing some painkillers. He leaned his arms against the counter, his entire body drooping over. Clearly he was feeling the effects of a pretty nasty hangover.

"This isn't healthy, Deeks." Kensi said, slowly approaching him. She could see that he had lost a lot of weight recently.

"What the fuck do you care? You're not my partner anymore." Deeks shot back, turning around to face her.

"Not by choice, I hate working with Granger." Kensi sighed. "Deeks, why don't you want to come back?" She asked quietly.

"You know why..."

"Be... cause of me?" Kensi asked.

He didn't reply, he simply averted his eyes away from her as he walked over to the refrigerator.

"You can't keep going on like this Deeks. You need to talk to someone."

"What's the point? I got nothin' to say." He pulled out a bottle of beer.

"You know that's not true." Kensi replied. She watched as he cracked open the beer and took a swig out of it. "What the hell are you doing?" Kensi asked.

"What's it look like I'm doing?" Deeks was embracing his father's philosophy - "Best cure for a hangover - more beer."

"Deeks, it's 6 o'clock in the morning." Kensi said looking down at her watch before looking back at him incredulously.

"Party's just gettin' started." Deeks replied sarcastically, taking another sip.

"No." Kensi walked over to him and took the bottle away. This didn't deter Deeks he simply got another one out. He said "cheers" as he hit his new bottle against the one she was holding as he walked past her. Kensi followed after him, refusing to let him self-destruct on her watch. She bravely snatched the second bottle out of his hands.

"What the fuck?" Deeks yelled, glaring at her.

"Deeks, please just stop."

"Stop what?"

"Doing this to yourself... Trying to forget about what happened to you." Kensi followed after him as he made his way once again to the refrigerator. She rushed in front of him planting herself between him and the refrigerator. She was still holding the two beer bottles in her hands, placing them behind her back. She held firm, bravely placing her body between what he wanted.

"Get out-of-the-way." Deeks warned, standing a slight distance away from her, by no means intimidating her.

"No." Kensi replied, watching as his entire body was overcome by rage. He clenched his fists, scowling at her, he once again repeated his demand, his tone louder this time, and much more intimidating. When Kensi didn't move it pushed him over the edge.

"Get out of the fucking way!" Deeks threw a vase that was sitting on the bench against the wall, smashing it into a thousand pieces. Kensi watched as the shards scattered all over the floor before directing her eyes back to his. She stared into them absolutely terrified of what she had just witnessed. The cold, angry look in his eyes, the way his hands were balled into tight fists. She swallowed, trembling slightly as she removed herself from the situation and headed for the door without saying a single word.

Deeks collapsed down on the kitchen floor in tears. "What the hell have I done?" He asked himself, uncontrollably shaking as he sobbed.


	11. Chapter 10 - Part 1

Your comments, favorites and follows have been incredible, thank you all so much for your support. You called for some light, well here you have it... In amongst all of the darkness of course :)

* * *

Deeks walked into the mission with his bag slung across his shoulder inhaling the smell of familiarity. Despite his long leave of absence, it felt like only yesterday he was here with the team mucking around before a case. He watched from the far corner of the gym as Callen and Kensi battled on the mat with Sam offering tips here and there.

"Granger moves quicker than that, G." Sam teased his partner who had unwittingly walked right into a headlock.

"I'll get out of it... just biding my time." Callen replied straining for air as he tried to get out of the hold largely to no avail.

Kensi gritted her teeth applying more pressure to Callen's neck, she knew that if he didn't tap out soon, he would pass out. It was only a matter of seconds.

"Okay, okay." Callen tapped the side of Kensi's thigh submitting as he gasped for air. Kensi immediately relinquished her hold, collapsing beside him. The two were as competitive as each other and both equally out of breath.

"Well, well, well look what we have here." Sam said, smiling as Deeks walked over to them.

Deeks' hair was shorter than usual, although it still had its shaggy edge, it looked a lot neater than anything he had previously sported. His beard had grown a little longer in length but he looked generally a lot healthier overall. He had re-gained the weight he had lost and had obviously been enjoying a few days at the beach judging by his tan.

"Hey Sam, I'm sorry about..." Sam cut him off mid-sentence extending his hand towards him. "Water under the bridge, Deeks, welcome back." Sam pulled him into a semi-embrace, patting him on the back.

"Hey Deeks." Callen said, fighting against the searing pain in his back as he got to his feet. He walked over to Deeks and shook his hand.

"C'mon G, let's get you some ice." Sam said putting his hand on Callen's shoulder and leading him away. It was a subtle gesture, giving the two ex-partners time to talk.

Kensi had been nervously waiting behind Callen and Sam the entire time, a little unsure of how to approach the man she hadn't seen for two months. However, as he turned his attention towards her and their eyes met, there was only one way she could respond.

"I missed you so much." Kensi said, letting tears spill down her cheeks as she threw her arms around him.

"I missed you too, Fern." Deeks replied. He didn't care if she was all sweaty after her work out, he hugged her back with equal enthusiasm. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, fighting back his own emotional response to seeing her after all of this time.

Drawing herself slightly away from him, just enough so that she could see his face, Kensi smiled at him, admiring his new look. "You cut your hair." She noted, running her hand through the much shorter golden locks.

"Figured it was due for a trim." Deeks shrugged, offering her a smile of his own.

"It looks nice." Kensi said. There was no hint of embarrassment as she offered him the compliment and Deeks didn't even think about pulling her up for it, he simply drew his attention to the darkened patch of skin on her face. "That doesn't." Deeks said, gently reaching his thumb just underneath her eye gently tracing over the shiner she was sporting. "What happened?" He asked, genuinely concerned about her.

"It's fine Deeks, just a hazard of the job..." Kensi replied, looking down towards the floor. Judging by the sadness in her voice there was far more to the story than she was letting on.

"Yeah well, I hope you got the guy who did it." Deeks replied, making a note to question the others about what had happened later.

"Of course." Kensi replied, a small smile appearing on her lips.

"I would expect nothing less." Deeks replied, with a sense of pride.

"Ahem... Hey Deeks." Eric said awkwardly as he walked closer to them. He felt like he was interrupting a moment between the two who to all outside observers looked to be engaged in a very intimate embrace.

"Hey Eric." Deeks replied, letting his hand fall from Kensi's cheek as they both took a few steps away from each other. "Sorry to interrupt but Kensi, Granger wants you up in ops." Eric said gesturing behind his shoulder.

"Okay, I'll be there in a minute." Kensi replied, turning her attention back to Deeks with an apologetic look on her face.

"It's good to see you again, Deeks." Eric said, rushing off to find Sam and Callen.

"It's okay, you go, I've gotta see Hetty." Deeks said, noticing immediately that Kensi was reluctant to leave.

"Oh okay, are you sticking around afterwards?" Kensi asked.

"Yeah, look you go, I'll catch up with you later." Deeks said, trying to assure her that this wouldn't be the last time that she would see him.

"Okay." Kensi said, slowly nodding her head as she comprehended his words.

* * *

"Ah Mr Deeks, it's good to see you again." Hetty said gesturing for the Detective to take a seat in front of her desk.

"It's good to see you too, Hetty." Deeks replied with a genuine smile.

"How are you?" Hetty asked, pouring him a cup of tea, trying to make him feel right at home.

"I'm good... I think I'm finally ready to come back."

****Flashback - Two Months Ago - Deeks' first proper counselling session****

_Stephanie raised her eyebrow when she saw him in the waiting room.  
_

_"Didn't think you would see me back?" Deeks asked getting to his feet._

_"No, I knew you'd get sick of desk duty eventually." Stephanie replied, spinning on her heel and gesturing for him to follow after her._

_Deeks chuckled at her response, she was one tough woman. "Alright..." He said, readying himself to face up to his demons.  
_

_"Did you bring those questions I asked you to do?" Stephanie asked, closing the door behind them and inviting him to sit down.  
_

_Deeks sighed taking a seat on the all too comfy chair, the kind of chair that was intended to make you stay for a long period of time, to relax you enough to open up about the deepest darkest chapters in your life... "Yeah..." Reaching into his back pocket Deeks pulled out the heavily crumpled piece of paper._

_"Is it readable?" Stephanie asked, tilting her head down so that her glasses were no longer over her eyes, but she was staring directly at him__. It was the most piercing stare he had ever seen in his entire life. The type of stare that showed him she wasn't going to deal with any bullshit.  
_

_"I may have put it through a wash cycle or two..." Deeks joked, already using humor to deflect from the situation. He swallowed with great discomfort as she continued to glare at him, clearly unimpressed.  
_

_"Are we doing this properly today or are you just going to humor me?" Stephanie asked, leaning her arms on the desk in front of her with her hands clasped together.  
_

_Deeks awkwardly stared at her hands, taking in the bright red nail polish and the light golden bangles over her wrist. "I don't know yet..." He said softly, directing his gaze back towards her eyes.  
_

_"I appreciate your honesty." Stephanie said, nodding her head slightly before opening up a small black book sitting just in front of her. "I asked you some heavy questions there, you do not have to answer any that you are uncomfortable with."_

_"If I don't answer them now, I probably never will..." Deeks said, adjusting his body in the chair, he was nervous, but he knew that the time had come to deal with his issues head on. There was no other option.  
_

_"Alright then." Stephanie looked down at the page in front of her for a few seconds before looking back up at Deeks. "What's your biggest regret?" Stephanie asked, leaning back in her chair, awaiting his reply.  
_

_Deeks let out a shaky exhale before answering. "Not speaking to my dad before he died"_

_"What would you have said to him?" Stephanie probed gently, mindful of her tone knowing that she was dealing with a sensitive issue.  
_

_"That I wasn't the failure he said I would grow up to be... That I actually made something out of myself... " Deeks replied. The emotion in his voice was heavy, he spoke as if he was saying this aloud for the first time in his life. He had a far away look in his eyes as if he was imagining the conversation in his mind.  
_

_"That you did, you have had a stunning career." Stephanie said. Deeks' record was impeccable. _

_Shaking himself from his thoughts, Deeks scoffed at her compliment. "Yeah." He said sarcastically, shaking his head.  
_

_"Is that doubt I hear in your voice?" Stephanie questioned.  
_

_"I'm some success story..." Deeks chuckled, it was humorless with a deep hint of sarcasm. "Let's face it, I'm stuck behind a desk because I fucked up the last case."  
_

_"Alright let's talk about the last case. Why did Hetty take you off it?" _

_"I'm sure she told you already." Deeks replied dismissing her question.  
_

_"I'm looking for your side here." Stephanie added, trying to probe deeper into his thoughts.  
_

_"I walked out."  
_

_"It got too much?" _

_"Yeah."_

_"Alright." Stephanie nodded her head, accepting his answer. She decided to change track slightly. "In the end the case got solved, why does it matter to you that you weren't there to see it through?" Stephanie asked, clearly challenging him to elaborate on his earlier answer .  
_

_"It matters... it matters." Deeks repeated, trying to find his words. "The case was... it was a test... a test to see if I was still the same after what happened..."_

_"To you and Sam?" Stephanie sought clarification.  
_

_Deeks nodded his head in affirmation pausing a few seconds to gather his thoughts. "When it really comes down to it, I failed."  
_

_"Because you got taken off the case? How so?" Stephanie asked, still seeking to go beyond the superficial.  
_

_Deeks sat forward in the chair, leaning his arms on his legs as he lurched his body towards her. "Undercover has always been the thing that I've excelled at... Being able to go deep undercover, no matter how awful the case, I've always come out the other side... no matter what" Deeks said, speaking with a certain aura of pride that all but dissipated as he came to the realization that he may have lost that ability. "If I don't have that anymore... I don't know what I'm going to do..." He confessed.  
_

_Stephanie nodded her head scribbling down a few notes._

****End Flashback****

"We still have a few matters to attend to." Hetty said, sliding a document towards him. It had a large staple at the top left-hand side holding the pieces of paper together. Deeks stared down at it for several seconds, knowing that this document would change his life.

"Now are you sure about this?" Hetty asked, peering at him through her thick glasses, searching for any hint of apprehension.

"Never been surer of anything in my entire life." Deeks replied, signing his name on the dotted line without any delay or hint of regret.

* * *

Callen and Sam were going over evidence related to their latest case in the bullpen as Deeks approached them. "How did Kensi get that black eye?" Deeks asked casually sitting himself on top of Kensi's desk. He picked up the slinky on her desk, alternating it in his hands as he awaited a reply.

"She was in a struggle with a suspect, Granger took a little longer than you would to get there to back her up... I guess it's his old age catching up with him." Callen said, directing his attention towards the older man who was engaged in discussion with Kensi across the bullpen. Callen knew that he was stirring up trouble by telling Deeks the truth but he desperately wanted Deeks to come back to work with them.

"So it could have been avoided?" Deeks asked, a slight hint of anger creeping into his voice. The thought of Kensi being injured because he wasn't there to have her back made him feel sick to the stomach.

Sam drew his attention away from the case files and entered into the conversation. "Don't worry, I ripped him a new one." Sam said. Deeks smirked knowing that Sam wasn't joking.

"So does this mean that you're coming back?" Kensi asked rushing over to him. She didn't seem to mind that he was sitting on her desk or playing with her stuff. She was just happy to have him back.

"Maybe." Deeks replied, not giving anything away just yet.

A smile broke out on her face, a 'maybe' was better than a 'no'. Kensi suddenly felt a little uneasy about her display of joy over Deeks possibly returning. She awkwardly turned around to face Granger who had followed her over. "Not that I haven't loved working with you, Sir." Kensi said, plastering a forced smile on her face. Granger feigned a smile as he looked towards her, acknowledging her forced compliment.

Granger extended his hand towards Deeks. "Detective Deeks." He said, dipping his head to acknowledge Deeks' presence.

"Granger." Deeks replied, shaking his hand firmly. The two men shared an intense moment, the atmosphere in the bullpen suddenly dropped a few degrees as the two held eye contact. Eventually Granger broke the staring contest and looked towards Kensi. "I'll be waiting in the car, Agent Blye." Granger said gruffly, turning to leave.

Kensi rolled her eyes behind his back, visibly frustrated with her current partner. She knew that by the time she got out to the car Granger would have changed the radio station to his mind-numbingly boring 'old-people talking' station. However, as she turned towards Deeks the smile returned to her face. "You free for a beer tonight?" She asked, looking up at him with eyes full of hope.

"Sure." Deeks replied.

"My place or yours?" Kensi asked, leaning towards him to pick her jacket up from her desk.

"Mine, Monty's missed you."

"Okay, great, I better go." Kensi said, looking towards the door of the mission.

"Have fun." Callen said, the smug look on his face made her want to walk over there and apply the headlock again. She glared at him before heading off.

"She's going to kill you one day, G." Sam said, shaking his head at his partner.

Callen shrugged, "meh... she'll kill Granger first."

Deeks smiled while watching their interaction knowing that NCIS really was his home.

* * *

"Did you move?" Kensi asked somewhat jokingly as Deeks took an unusual route through the streets of Los Angeles. Although they were told to mix up their routines, the direction made absolutely no sense if he was going back to his apartment.

"Actually yeah." Deeks replied with a small smile on his face as he looked at her. The familiarity of the situation, driving with Kensi and hanging out with the team throughout the day, it had brought him comfort.

****Flashback - 1 month ago - Counselling Session****

_"All my life I've never lived more than 2 miles away from the home I grew up in..." Deeks said, his voice trailing off into a whisper.  
_

_"Why is that do you think?" Stephanie asked, a small frown etched on her face as she studied the pained expression on his face.  
_

_"I'm not entirely sure..." Deeks replied, staring out the window momentarily trying to gather his thoughts.  
_

_Stephanie observed his response for several moments, noting how he was tapping his fingers on his knee, a sign of nervousness. She waited to see if he would offer more insight before giving her own interpretation. _

_As Deeks' silence persisted Stephanie spoke-up. "Do you think it has something to do with the fact that the area is your last connection to your family, the last time that you were all together?" She asked, lightly prodding him for a response.  
_

_Deeks took a moment to contemplate her words. "I guess... that could be the reason..." He replied, the uncertainty in his voice led her to believe that he hadn't really questioned his motivations before.  
_

****End Flashback****

Kensi followed closely behind him as they made their way up the stairs to his new apartment. She took the time to familiarize herself with the surrounding area, always thinking one step ahead. She identified hazards, exits, and everything else in-between in the short distance from the car to his apartment.

She heard the excited barks coming from behind the door as soon as Deeks put his key inside the lock.

"Awww hey gorgeous boy." Kensi said, bending down to scratch Monty behind the ears. "I missed you." Monty's tail whipped against Deeks' leg as he walked past the two standing outside his doorway. It was the most excited Monty had been in weeks. "Agghh I did not miss that." Kensi said, wiping her face where Monty had licked her. "Really Monty?" Deeks shook his head at the dog as he passed her a beer.

"Thanks." Kensi said, gladly accepting it, she had just spent half the day with Granger after all.

Kensi stepped inside the doorway, admiring his new place. The lack of photographs was something that immediately struck her, his poses with Snooky and Justin Bieber were a noted omission. As she walked further into his apartment, exploring the kitchen, she admired the minimalist approach he had going on. There were no quirky artworks, no random sculptures, it was very tidy... very... impersonal? She couldn't quite put her finger on it just yet.

"It's _nice_." She said, a hint of apprehension in her voice as she traced her hand over the kitchen counter.

"Come on, what is it, tell me?" Deeks asked knowingly. For all her federal agent training she never could lie to him very well. He perched himself on the arm of his couch awaiting her reply. He could tell that she was struggling to find her words.

"It's... _different_, that's all " Kensi shrugged, not wanting to offend him.

"You don't like it?" Deeks asked, his voice was light and inquisitive, he was definitely not offended by her comment.

"I guess... It just doesn't really feel like you." Kensi replied, biting down on her lip.

"A lot of things have changed..." Deeks replied, his voice was calm, he was clearly at ease with the new changes.

"Yeah..." Kensi replied softly, walking towards him from the kitchen area. "Deeks, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"This..." She gestured around the apartment with her index finger. "This isn't because of Sam is it? I mean, the haircut, the new place..." Sensing where she was going Deeks cut her off. "It's not because of Sam. I needed a change." Deeks replied, there was no hint of anger and absolutely no sign that her question had upset him.

Kensi smiled, nodding her head in response. She accepted his answer because by all outward appearances, he was being completely honest with her.

"Come on, you'll love the new lounge suite at least." Deeks said motioning for her to sit down on it. He slid down from the arm to the seated area waiting for her to join him. Once she sat down beside him he immediately felt at ease.

"Ahhhhhhh this is comfy, I'm not moving for the rest of the night, you know that right?" Kensi joked, making herself at home, placing one of the cushions behind her head, savoring the instant relaxation. Deeks was right.

"Told you." Deeks said, switching the t.v. on.

* * *

They had been absent-mindedly watching t.v. for half an hour before Deeks decided that it was time to talk. The past two months of counselling had taught him to work on his communication skills. He knew he couldn't ignore their issues any longer. Switching off the television, he turned his body fully towards her.

Kensi immediately sat up on the couch, anticipating what he had to say, knowing that it was going to be important. She put her beer down on the coffee table in front of them, giving him her undivided attention. She was already noticing a change in Deeks' behavior, usually they would spend hours pretending to watch television and acting like everything was alright.

"Kens... I'm sorry I walked out on you." Deeks said, watching as her body immediately stiffened upon hearing his words. She was a little taken aback by how upfront he was being. The Deeks-of-old was one that shied away from the tough questions, especially when it came to issues between them.

"Deeks, it's okay..." She said, looking away from him, trying to put on a brave front, trying to act like it hadn't affected her as much as it had.

"No, it's not okay Kens, it's not okay, god." Deeks dragged his hand through his hair, licking his lips nervously as he looked to the ceiling above. He was trying to find the words to convey to her the deep sense of regret he held about his actions. Yet he also had to contend with the overwhelming feeling of guilt knowing that he had taken pleasure in hurting her.

"I did it because I knew that it would hurt you..." Deeks confessed, feeling like the world's biggest asshole. _"_What the hell does that say about me?" Deeks asked, turning to face her.

The haunted look in his eyes showed her that this had been eating away at him. Kensi couldn't help but reverse the guilt. "No, Deeks... I drove you away... just like I drove Jack away... just like I drive everyone away..." Kensi said, looking down at her hands. They were resting in her lap, her fingers tightly clutching on to a tissue that she had pulled out from her hoodie.

"No Kens, it wasn't your fault." Deeks said, scooting closer to her.

"I drove you away..." Kensi repeated, finally letting the first tear spill down her cheek. She quickly wiped it away with the tissue, ashamed at herself for being a blubbering mess this soon into their conversation. "I drove you away because I was too damn scared to admit my feelings for you." Kensi confessed, turning her head away from him.

"Feelings for me?" Deeks wondered for a split second before drawing his attention back to consoling her. "You didn't drive me away okay, you hear me?" Deeks said, moving his head down into her line of vision, searching her expression. "Kens look at me." Deeks said, trying to tear her gaze away from the floor. Once she tilted her head back up he looked deep into her eyes, repeating his earlier assertion. "You didn't drive me away." She could see the sincerity in his eyes, they truly were an insight into his soul. Kensi simply nodded her head in agreement, it didn't appease the guilt she still held though.

"I'm sorry for that night at the bar too, Kens." Deeks said quietly as he looked down at the floor. He rested his arms on his legs, clasping his hands together in front of his body, remembering that night.

"Deeks, it's okay."

"No, it's not, I was a mess, I was rude to you, I was an asshole. I couldn't stop thinking about it..." Deeks replied.

"It's in the past Deeks"

"No, god the look on your face the next morning when I threw that vase..." Deeks shook his head fighting back the painful memory. "That was my breaking point..."

****Flashback 2 months ago - Immediately after Deeks threw the vase****

_Kensi knew that she had to put some space between them for a few minutes at least. She stood outside his apartment, contemplating her options. __She wasn't sure if she should go back inside and face him or if she should call Hetty or Callen. She hovered her hand over the call button on her phone yet couldn't bring herself to do it. This was her partner, she couldn't walk away or hand him over to someone else to deal with. _

_______Looking down at her hands she could see that they were still shaking from the events just moments ago._ She had no idea what she was going to walk back into as she tentatively opened the door back up. She had been in enough dangerous situations in her life that she was ready for anything. Gunfights, hostage situations, emotional cases, she had seen it all yet somehow the sight that greeted her as she walked back into his kitchen threw her off completely. _Kensi froze feeling her heart drop down into her stomach as she looked at him. _

_Deeks was leaning against a kitchen cupboard, slunk down on the floor with tears streaming down his face. He didn't look up at her, he didn't acknowledge her at all, he was gazing with a lifeless stare far off into the distance. It was a look she had never seen before, it was the expression of a man that had been completely broken, someone lost, without a future, someone who had given up completely. _

_Kensi dropped down to the floor beside him, gathering him into her arms. He didn't put up any protest he simply allowed himself to be held. "It's going to be okay" She said, trying her best to allay his fears and to soothe his anguish. He was shaking in her arms, his body shuddering as he struggled for air, the tears just kept flooding out. _

_"Everything is going to be okay." Kensi said soothingly, rubbing her hands up and down his back, desperately trying to convey that she was there for him. Come whatever, may.  
_

_"You made me a promise..." Kensi said, her hand threading through the hair at the back of his head, still holding him close. "You said that you would talk to someone... You've never broken a promise to me Deeks...Never." Kensi said, there was a hint of pride as she said this.  
_

_"There's still time, Deeks." She pleaded. "Please... please talk to someone."  
_

****End Flashback****

Kensi gently pressed him to be honest with her about what was troubling him. "What is it Deeks?" She asked softly, squeezing his hand.

"When I threw that vase... the way you looked at me... it reminded me of my mom..." Deeks confessed, his voice cracking slightly as the painful memories started to flood his mind.

"I'm so sorry Deeks..." Kensi said, apologizing at the mere mention of his mother. The situation with the vase had been scary enough for her and she was a fully grown woman. She couldn't imagine what it would have been like for a child to witness such anger and violence growing up.

"It's not your fault, it's no one's fault really... I just had a really crappy childhood." Deeks replied, trying to play it down.

"No child should have to go through that." Kensi replied, her voice was soft, her thumb moved up and down his arm, trying to offer him some sort of comfort.

Deeks shrugged. "I'm still alive aren't I?" He said, giving her the kind of smile that broke her heart.

"Deeks... can I ask you something?" Kensi asked tentatively, biting down on her lip.

"Yeah..."

"You don't have to answer... I just... your mom, is she?"

"She's still alive..." Deeks replied.

Kensi just nodded her head, not pressing him any further.

"She lives in a facility... she's got some serious mental issues... chronic depression, bouts of schizophrenia..." Deeks' voice trailed off.

"I'm sorry, Deeks."

"Yeah, me too..." He replied sadly.

****Flashback - 1 month ago - Counselling Session****

___He had seen Stephanie for a little over a month now but today was the first time he had ever talked about his mother in any great deal of length. _

___"He_ threw his beer bottle against the wall before reaching for the gun... He was going to shoot her... but I shot him first..." Deeks confessed, recounting the night he had shot his own father.  


_"It was self-defence, you saved your mother's life." Stephanie said.  
_

_"Yeah well... she didn't see it that way." Deeks sighed, rubbing his fingers through the scruff on his chin, contemplating the relationship.  
_

_"No?"_

_"No..." Deeks shook his head, fighting back the pain surging through his body. "She blamed me for killing the man she loved..." Deeks confessed.  
_

_"May I ask what the status of your relationship with your mother is today?" Stephanie asked.  
_

_Deeks froze, pushing himself to reply. "I have no relationship with her..."_

_Stephanie nodded. "When was the last time you spoke to her?"_

_ "Seven years ago..."_

_"Was your father always abusive?"_

_"No..."_

_"Do you remember when it all started?"_

_"When he lost his partner..." _

_"His partner?" Stephanie queried.  
_

_"My dad was a cop..." Deeks confessed.  
_

_"What happened?"_

_"I only found this out from looking through the report... But uh... He blamed himself for what happened, the two of them got in a shootout, his partner got killed, they had been partners for over ten years, worked the beat every single day... It destroyed him, he started drinking, he spiralled out of control. The force eventually let him go..." Deeks said.  
_

_"That's when he started to become abusive?" _

_"Yeah... That's why I started out as a lawyer, I wanted to protect people from assholes like him, yet I was still powerless to help... There's only so much a piece of paper can do..."_

_"That's why you gave up law? Because you felt you weren't doing enough?" Stephanie asked.  
_

_"There was a case..." Deeks said, leaning forward in the chair and letting out a strained sigh. "Young girl, abused by her father... I went through all the paperwork in the world to protect her... But it didn't help... The father came after her and her mom one night, shot them both then shot himself..." Deeks confessed. _

_"So you feel you do more as a police officer?" _

_Deeks nodded his head. _

****End Flashback****

"I'm sorry, I can't do this." Deeks said pulling his hands away from her and getting up from the couch.

"I completely understand if you don't want to talk about it..." Kensi said.

"It's not that... It's..." Deeks ran his hand through his hair in frustration. He was annoyed at himself for being unable to control his emotions.

"What?" Kensi asked, standing up and walking over to him.

"I can't be this close to you..." He said, watching as her face dropped. "I'm sorry, look, you should go." Deeks said, stepping back from her.

"Why can't you be close to me, Deeks?" Kensi asked, wanting him to verbalize it to her.

"Because... we're partners, Kens." Deeks said weakly.

"It's not enough for you is it?" She asked, knowing exactly why he had pulled away from her.

He shook his head, his eyes dropping to the floor.

"Me neither." Kensi said, watching as his head snapped up in response.

"What?" Deeks asked, wondering if he had heard her correctly.

"You have no idea how worried I was about you... how much I missed you, Deeks." She said walking closer to him. "Not a day went by when I didn't think about you... what you were doing... how you were feeling..." She swallowed feeling a tightness in her throat as she pushed herself to admit her feelings for him. "Deeks, I love you."


	12. Chapter 10 - Part 2

Deeks was completely taken aback, his mouth fell open yet no words managed to escape his lips. Kensi had just said the three words he never expected to hear from her ever.

"God, I tried not to... I tried everything to push you away but you always managed to wiggle your way into my life, into my mind, my thoughts, it's got to a point now where... I can't imagine my life without you." Kensi said, stepping closer towards him.

"No, Kens stop, don't do this..." Deeks said softly, it was a feeble attempt to push her away and she knew it.

"Don't do what? Finally admit to myself, admit to you, how I really feel?" Kensi asked, looking up at him, trying desperately to get a read on his expression.

"I'm not the same person anymore..." Deeks said, directing his gaze towards the floor.

"Yes Deeks, you are, deep inside you're still the same person." Kensi said.

"H... how do you know that?" Deeks asked, peeling his eyes from the floor back to hers, the liquid already building up in his eyes.

"I can see it in your eyes, Deeks. That night you got drunk... despite everything that happened, you were worried about me, it didn't matter how pissed off you were at me, you apologized and you told me that you loved me..." Kensi said, taking hold of his hands. "I hate what happened to you, I hate that you had to go through that, I hated the feeling when I couldn't help you."

****Flashback - 2 Months Ago - Deeks' apartment after his first counselling session****

_"How did it go?" Kensi asked, eagerly anticipating his reply.  
_

_"It was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do." Deeks said, collapsing on the couch, completely exhausted after the session, wanting nothing more than some time alone to process things. _

_"It was good though right?" Kensi asked tentatively, sitting on the edge of his couch. _

_Deeks sighed, she was looking for reassurance but he simply couldn't give her any. "Look Kens I... I've made a decision." _

_"Okay?" Kensi narrowed her eyes searching for more information from him, some hint about where the conversation was heading. _

_"You're not going to like it." Deeks said. He could see a small frown appear on her face as he readied himself to deliver the news. "I have to do this alone." Deeks said watching as the confusion washed over her face. Kensi immediately scooted over towards him on the couch. "You don't have to do this alone, Deeks." She said taking hold of his hand and squeezing it lightly with her own. _

_"Yes I do, Kens." Deeks said, removing his hand and getting up from the couch. He moved towards the window, staring out at the cars passing by. "I have to do this alone... there's too much... stuff I have to deal with." Deeks turned around to face her. "I need you to leave me alone for as long as it takes for me to get better." Deeks said. It came off a lot harsher than he would have hoped for but he had finally voiced what he had put off for the last several hours.  
_

_"Are you sure this is what you want?" Kensi asked searching his eyes for any hint of regret or doubt yet finding none.  
_

_"Yes." Deeks replied.  
_

_"Okay." Kensi said. Although it hurt like hell, she knew that she had to respect his wishes.  
_

_"Okay." Deeks repeated.  
_

****End Flashback****

"Deeks, please don't shut me out, not now." Kensi said reaching out for him.

"Kens, I can't do this right now. I can't..." Deeks said.

Kensi watched as he walked to the door and left without uttering another word. She collapsed down onto the couch, hoping that she hadn't just ruined everything all over again.

* * *

Deeks walked along the streets with his hands stuffed in his pockets. It was a little past 9pm, he had been aimlessly strolling for the past hour trying to gather his thoughts. The dimly lit street reflected his mood, the sparse street lighting provided little illumination to the darkness surrounding him.

He didn't know how to process what Kensi had just told him, his emotions were all over the place.

Deeks' cellphone momentarily interrupted his thoughts.

"Hello?" Deeks said cautiously, wondering what the hell Sam would be ringing him for at this time of night.

"Hey Deeks, what are you up to right now?" Sam replied, his words spoken in a quick pace.

"Nothing, why?"

"I was wondering if I could speak to you in person tonight?"

"Uh... why?"

"To clear the air, I got a lot of things to set straight with you before you come back."

"You don't know if I'm coming back yet."

"Come on Deeks, we both know you're coming back, where are you right now?" Sam asked.

"Uh... kind of in the middle of nowhere." Deeks said taking a moment to survey the surrounding area.

"What? Tell me where you are, I'll pick you up."

Deeks contemplated the offer, on the one hand it would mean facing up to something he had been putting off for months - finally communicating with Sam. While on the other, Deeks had drifted far from home, a ride would be nice.

Eventually Deeks gave in, telling Sam his approximate location and waiting for him to arrive.

* * *

"Deeks why are you walkin' the streets at this time of night?" Sam asked, leaning towards the passenger seat to open the door up.

"I don't know, clearing my head?" Deeks shrugged. "You're not going to give me another lecture about safety protocols are you?" Deeks moaned.

"No, just get in the car." Sam replied, motioning for Deeks to hurry up. "Seriously, why the hell are you out here? You have a fight with Kensi or something?" Sam joked, trying to lighten the mood. His reaction quickly changed seeing Deeks' response.

"Something like that..." Deeks replied, staring blankly out the window.

"What happened?" Sam asked, knowing that look immediately, it was the look of a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders.

"Nothin', look, what is it you wanted to talk to me about?" Deeks said obviously wanting to change the subject. He was grateful that Sam took the bait.

"I wanted to apologize to you, properly. I never should have questioned your character. You're a damn fine cop Deeks and you'll be a damn fine agent too." Sam said, his voice was sincere and he held eye contact with Deeks as he said it.

"How did you..."

"Hetty told Callen." Sam shrugged, it was only natural that Callen would tell him about Deeks' application to join NCIS. "Where is the closest bar around here?" Sam asked, pulling up to a stop sign.

"I'm not really in the drinking mood..." Deeks replied, his tone somber.

"Alright, we'll just drive around then." Sam said, not bothered by Deeks' lack of enthusiasm for his suggestion.

Deeks continued to look out the window with a solemn expression on his face, he was still contemplating the events of earlier in the night. Sam stole several sideways glances at Deeks as he circled around the block.

"Deeks, I was completely out of line with what I said that day." Sam said, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

There was no hint of reaction to Sam's words, Deeks simply continued to stare forward, lost in his thoughts before offering his response. "Were you? I mean look at how everything worked out... I got thrown off a case, ended up hurting everyone in the process, spent two months in therapy... " Deeks slowly turned his head to look at Sam. "Why wouldn't you question my character?" Deeks asked, leaning his head back against the headrest, his body slumping down in the seat.

"Deeks... you and me, we got off on the wrong foot from day one." Sam said, his mind drifting back to their first meeting at the MMA gym. "We have never really seen eye to eye. I mean we're completely different... the way you do things, the way you live your life... it's pretty much the exact opposite to the way I live mine and I guess that never really sat well with me." Sam said.

Sam's words brought little comfort to Deeks, they only reinforced the problems between the two.

"There was a part of me that felt you weren't good enough to be in our team..." Sam suddenly confessed. It was blunt but that was just the way he was. Sam wasn't one to shy away from expressing his true feelings about people, one always knew where they stood with him. From day one Sam had made Deeks feel like an outsider intruding into their team.

Deeks felt a deep pang in his chest as Sam confessed what Deeks had always suspected.

"But you know what, you proved yourself to me." Sam said.

"I didn't prove myself to you any other time before that though and that's what pisses me off" Deeks said, raising his voice as his anger increased. "I saved your ass plenty of times before that yet you still didn't trust me." Deeks said, finally speaking his mind, finally letting Sam know his true feelings.

"I never really felt like you were committed to us, Deeks. After all those years you were still a part of the LAPD, the fact that you couldn't commit basically shaped my opinion of you." Sam said, finally revealing the truth. "You were with us everyday, we trained together, we were a team yet you still couldn't commit to us. I never understood that."

"Yeah well... you never took the time to ask..." Deeks replied, his voice now devoid of anger.

"I'm askin' now." Sam replied, dipping his head in a gesture for Deeks to elaborate on his story.

"I was a cop, Sam. My allegiance wasn't to the government, it was to the people... It was who I was..." Deeks replied.

"So what changed?" Sam asked, wondering why Deeks had chosen to become a federal agent.

"I guess I realized that despite everything that happened, you guys are still the closest thing I've ever had to a real family." Deeks replied.

"You know, I was so blinded by my anger towards you that I never really took the time to get to know you, Deeks, and for that I'm sorry." Sam said, genuinely apologizing. "I hope that things can be different this time around."

"Yeah well... I don't know about that anymore." Deeks replied.

"Why? You don't think that I'm a man of my word?" Sam asked.

"No, it's just... Things here are just... a little too messy right now, I don't think I can stay here anymore."

"So you're going to run?" Sam asked, clearly challenging Deeks at this point.

"It's not running away." Deeks replied, protesting against the accusation.

"It sure sounds like it to me. What about Kensi huh? How is she going to take it if you run away?"

"She'll find a way..." Deeks replied, his voice heavy with regret.

"Why should she have to? Do you have any idea what you've put her through over these past few months?" Sam asked.

Deeks swallowed hard knowing exactly what Sam was talking about. "Yes."

"You sure about that? Did she tell you about the hell she went through while you were away huh? Did she tell you about the guilt she still feels everyday?"

"That's why I need to go..." Deeks said softly, biting back the pain.

"No, it's why you need to stay." Sam said. "Come on, I'm taking you home. You need to sort this out, Deeks. No more running away when things get tough."

* * *

Deeks opened the door to his apartment noticing immediately that the lights were still on, a clear sign that Kensi was still there.

Walking into the lounge Deeks saw a pile of scrunched up tissues on the small coffee table. Kensi had cried herself to sleep on his couch waiting, hoping, that he would come back. Deeks quietly made his way over to her, slowly crouching down in front of her. "Hey." Deeks said, gently brushing her hair from her face, his hand lingering on her cheek, waiting for her to open her eyes.

"Hey, you're back?" Kensi said sleepily, sitting up slowly on the couch.

"Yeah..." Deeks replied, feeling awful for having left her there by herself. Her hair was a mess, there was mascara smudged around her eyes from the tears she had shed. She had opened up to him in a way that he never thought possible and what did he go and do? He left her.

"Kens, I'm sorry." Deeks said, looking into her eyes, an overwhelming sense of guilt washing over him for having made her feel this way.

"No, I'm sorry I shouldn't have bombarded you with all that, especially after everything you've been through." Kensi replied.

Deeks shook his head in frustration. She was blaming herself and he couldn't handle it.

****Flashback - Deeks' counselling session****

_ "So the last time we spoke you said that your mother blamed you for killing the man she loved..." Stephanie said._

_"For about a week, then she went back to blaming herself like she always did." Deeks replied, pausing for a few seconds before continuing. "She slipped into massive depression, stopped taking her meds, it got to the point where she could no longer look after me..."  
_

_"What happened then?"_

_"I got taken into the care of the state."_

_"Foster parents?"_

_"Yeah, kinda."_

_"Do you resent your mother?"_

_"No... I don't know... A part of me always wondered how you can love someone despite the fact that they are completely wrong for you." Deeks said.  
_

_"Love is a powerful thing."_

_"Yeah, I guess it is..." Deeks replied, contemplating his own feelings for his partner.  
_

****End Flashback****

"Can you just stop blaming yourself for one fucking minute." Deeks said in anger, frustrated with how the conversation was going. "I'm not some fragile little kid that needs to be protected so just stop." Deeks said, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry I..."

"Stop! This is never going to work if you keep blaming yourself for everything and apologizing all the time."

"Do you want me to go?" Kensi asked, looking down at her hands.

"I don't know what I want." Deeks said. He sighed as he sat down beside her on the couch, burying his head in his hands.

Kensi remained quiet, waiting for him to gather himself together.

"I talked to Sam." Deeks said, running his hand over the scruff of his beard.

"When?" Kensi asked.

"About half an hour ago."

"Oh..."

"Yeah... he finally told me why he didn't trust me." Deeks could tell that Kensi was desperate to know Sam's reasoning. "Basically he said he didn't trust me because I was LAPD, because I couldn't commit to the team." He watched as Kensi processed the information. "Is that how you felt when I first joined too?" Deeks asked.

"I... it didn't bother me that you were LAPD at the beginning, I mean, we had just lost Dom and that was really hard on all of us, especially Sam, he felt like he hadn't done enough to train him, we all did." Kensi confessed.

"So it didn't bother you that I was with LAPD?" Deeks asked.

"Of course it did but I also knew that being a cop was important to you, so I never really asked you about becoming an agent because well... that's us, we don't really talk about the important things... I always got the vibe that you didn't want to talk about it." Kensi said.

"I didn't..." Deeks said softly, amazed by how well Kensi knew him despite his attempts to close himself off, to hide his past from her.

"And that's okay, it's a personal decision." Kensi said, understanding his need to withhold information from her. She was the last person that could judge him, she hid about as much from him as he did from her.

"So is my latest decision." Deeks said.

Kensi raised her eyebrow, the question was on the tip of her tongue when Deeks answered it. "I've applied to be an agent." Deeks said watching as her entire face lit up. "Really? That's great news... You're happy about this right?" She asked, unable to read his facial expression. While she may have been ecstatic about the news, Deeks was sitting there completely emotionless.

"Of course I am, it's just, I don't really know what's going to happen with us now." Deeks said.

"What do you mean?" Kensi asked, beginning to feel uneasy about where the conversation was heading, anticipating a heartbreaking rejection. She swallowed, feeling her throat constrict as she prepared herself for his response.

"Kens, I don't think I'm ready to start anything with you right now." Deeks said.

"Okay." Kensi replied, trying to stay strong despite the pain shooting through her chest. "That's okay." Kensi repeated, more to herself than to him as she stood up from the couch. "God, I don't know why I'm crying? I'm pathetic." Kensi said, quickly wiping away the tears.

"No you're not, you're amazing Kens, and I care about you more than anything, it's just... I can't right now, maybe sometime in the future but even then I don't know and it's not fair on you asking you to wait for me, because if I'm being honest, I don't know if I'll ever be ready." Deeks said.

"I'll wait... I'll wait as long as you need Deeks, I just want you to be sure." Kensi said, desperately hoping that he would change his mind.

"I'm sure... I'm sorry." Deeks said.

"Me too, I'm sorry that I can't convince you that you're an amazing man, that if you allowed yourself to let someone in then maybe, just maybe you'd be happy." Kensi said, utterly defeated as she left his apartment.

Deeks leaned against the wall, watching her go was one of the hardest things he's ever had to do in his life, but he knew that it was for the best.


	13. Chapter 11

Thank you all so much for your amazing support throughout this story. I'm sorry for all of the mean twists and turns along the way, thank you for sticking with me :)

* * *

****Two weeks later****

"I'm glad you're all here, I wanted to inform you of your latest training assignment." Hetty said.

"Training assignment? What training assignment?" Sam asked incredulously looking down at the file Hetty had placed in front of him.

"As you all know, Mr Deeks has applied to become an NCIS agent, part of his training involves a group exercise, you are familiar with the layout aren't you Mr Hanna?" Hetty asked in a somewhat sarcastic tone.

"Of course, I just didn't know that it would be today, that's all." Sam replied, smiling at Hetty as he opened the folder.

"Alaska really?" Deeks asked, feeling the chill hit his bones at the mere mention of the location.

"Is there a problem Mr Deeks? Hetty asked.

"It's the middle of winter, Hetty. Why are we going to Alaska?"

Hetty smirked, the assignment had little to do with Deeks' training, it was all about getting the team together.

"Wrap up warm, Mr Deeks." Hetty said, leaving the bullpen.

* * *

Arriving in the middle of a snow-covered expanse of land in the middle of nowhere, Deeks was the first to voice his displeasure at the temperature.

"Six layers still isn't enough." Deeks said to Kensi loud enough for Callen and Sam to overhear.

"Six layers? Seriously, I've got on three and I'm warm as toast." Sam said, slinging his bag over his shoulder as the chopper departed.

"Yeah well that's because you're huge, your muscle mass keeps you well heated while us mere mortals freeze to death." Deeks replied.

"I'm not cold either, Deeks." Callen said, backing up his partner with a smirk on his face.

Deeks turned to Kensi looking for some support. "The wind is cold." Kensi offered, shrugging her shoulders. Deeks shook his head, it was once again three against one but he loved it, he was back where he belonged.

"Okay so according to the map, we head east, we should come to the cabin in two hours." Sam said, folding up the map and taking a compass out of his backpack.

"Why don't we let the agent in training navigate?" Callen said, turning towards Deeks who was clearly out of his element, his arms folded tightly across his chest, shivering to stay warm.

"Do you want us to get lost?" Kensi said, smiling at Deeks.

"I'll have you know Kensalina, I won an award at high-school for orienteering." Deeks said proudly walking over to Sam to retrieve the compass.

"Okay so north is that way." Deeks said, motioning towards the direction behind him. "So that means, east is that way." Deeks said confidently, smirking at the other agents. "Damn Deeks, you keep this up, we might just want to keep you." Sam said jokingly, patting Deeks on the shoulder as him and Callen headed off together in front of Kensi and Deeks who stayed back a few paces.

"Did you really win an award?" Kensi asked sceptically.

"No, I got Hetty to teach me how to use a compass before we came, couldn't let you guys think I'm completely incompetent." Deeks replied, smiling at her as he revealed the truth.

* * *

"Home sweet home." Sam said, opening the door to the cabin that would house them throughout their training exercise.

"Are you kidding me?" Deeks whined, dropping his bags to the floor and looking around the cramped cabin.

"What? You expecting a five-star hotel Deeks?" Callen asked, feeling right at home in the minimal surroundings.

"No, but I mean, look at this place? It's a pile of junk, it's freezing in here." Deeks replied, complaining yet again.

"That's because we haven't started a fire yet, genius." Kensi said, brushing past him.

Sam smirked, seeing another opportunity to test Deeks. "You wanna do the honors, Deeks?"

"Starting the fire? Sure, I can do that." Deeks said, accepting the challenge. "Oh but ah, you see first we'll need some firewood so why don't you and Callen go make yourselves useful and fetch some of that." Deeks said, turning the tables on Sam.

Several months ago Sam would have told Deeks where to go but he could sense that things between Deeks and Kensi had been a little tense lately so he decided to agree to Deeks' little plan. "Alright fine, back in ten." Sam said. Callen got the hint and immediately followed his partner out the door.

"Did you see them before, G?" Sam asked, warming his hands as they stepped back out into the cool air. Sam had picked up on the tension between the two during the plane ride.

"Yeah, what's up with those two?" Callen replied.

"I don't know, but Deeks clearly wanted to be alone in there to sort out whatever the hell they've been fighting about." Sam replied, beginning to gather firewood.

Meanwhile back inside the cabin Deeks approached Kensi as she was unpacking her bag.

"Kens, I'm sorry if this is awkward." Deeks said.

"This isn't awkward." Kensi said, answering a little too quickly for Deeks' liking. He sighed, watching as she headed for the bathroom, shutting the door behind her.

* * *

"Where's Kensi?" Sam asked, returning fifteen minutes later with a stack of firewood.

"Bathroom." Deeks replied.

"You two okay?" Callen asked.

"Yeah." Deeks replied.

"Okay well, you get the fire started, I'll go get us somethin' to eat." Sam smirked, looking forward to putting his survival skills to the test.

"You do know that we already have food here right?" Callen said, shaking his head at his partner's survival instincts.

"Uh-uh, that isn't true survival training, you gotta catch what you need to eat." Sam replied.

"Really? You're going to go hunt a moose?" Deeks replied.

"No, there's wild rabbits everywhere out here." Sam replied.

"Kensi you coming?" Sam asked as Kensi reappeared from the bathroom, clearly timing her re-entrance.

"Coming where?" Kensi asked, only catching a quarter of the conversation.

"Hunting." Sam replied.

"Sure." Kensi said, following him out the door.

* * *

"I remember doing this with my dad years ago." Kensi said as her and Sam crouched down together in the snow.

"Yeah? I tried to do this with my daughter but she was much more interested in reading books and talking about vampires the entire time." Sam replied with a quiet chuckle.

Kensi laughed remembering her time looking after Sam's kids with Deeks. "She's an amazing reader." Kensi said.

"She gets that from Michelle." Sam replied, smiling fondly as he talked about his family.

Kensi loved the way that Sam would talk about them, the way his eyes would light up each time warmed her heart.

"So you gonna tell me what's up with you and Deeks or am I going to have to sit you two down together in a room?" Sam asked, his tone lightly teasing but the undertones were serious.

"I should have known you'd have an ulterior motive for coming out here." Kensi replied.

"You really should have." Sam replied.

Kensi smiled. "Things are just... complicated that's all."

"How so?" Sam asked, lightly pressing her to open up.

Kensi sighed, "Sam, you know how messed up things have been, it's just taking time to work through all that, you know."

"Yeah, but you will work through it, you always do." Sam said, trying to give her some much-needed reassurance.

"I know... It's just, taking a lot longer than I would have liked." Kensi said.

"Good things take time." Sam replied, ever the optimist. Kensi smiled, appreciating his outlook on things. "Yeah... I guess they do." Kensi replied.

* * *

"Oh my god, that looks disgusting." Deeks said, looking at the dead carcasses Sam was carrying.

"What are you talking about? This is good stuff." Sam replied.

"Yeah well, don't take this the wrong way but I'm going to stick with the stuff we brought." Deeks replied.

"Imagine being stuck in the middle of nowhere for days on a mission, Deeks, this could save your life." Sam replied.

"Yeah actually one time when I went camping with my dad we got caught out by a river bursting its banks, ended up surviving in the forest for days on wildlife, that's when he taught me how to shoot." Kensi said.

"See, this stuff can save your life." Sam replied, emphasizing his point.

Deeks just smiled, nodding his head, once again accepting that he was outnumbered.

"Where's Callen?" Sam asked, looking around the cabin for any sign of his partner.

"He's talking to the other team leader training with us tomorrow, should be back soon." Deeks replied.

"Good, I'll put this on now then." Sam said.

"Knock yourself out." Deeks replied, screwing up his face as Sam walked past him with the rabbits.

"You are such a big baby." Kensi teased, she showed Deeks her hands which were covered with blood and proceeded to chase after Deeks.

"Ahhhh, no, stop." Deeks yelled, rushing around the small table in the cabin to escape her.

Kensi laughed at her partner's reaction, pleased with the response enough to give in and go clean her hands.

"Really Deeks?" Sam said, shaking his head at him.

"What? It's gross." Deeks shrugged.

* * *

"Oh my gosh Sam, this is so good." Kensi said, biting into her second piece of meat.

"See Deeks, why don't you try some?" Sam replied.

"Yeah here, try this." Kensi said offering him a piece from her plate.

"Kensi Blye actually offering to share food with me? That is a first." Deeks replied reluctantly taking the small piece from her.

"I'm not going to die of food poisoning from eating this am I?" Deeks asked sceptically.

"Oh come on, Deeks." Kensi replied hitting him lightly with her elbow, her hands were too full to do any real damage.

"Ow fine, okay." Deeks said, finally building up the courage to try it. "Wow, that's actually pretty nice." Deeks said.

"See, what did we tell you?" Kensi replied.

Callen walked through the door, taking off his jacket before sitting with the rest of his team mates.

"Whatcha eating?" Callen said, surprised to see everyone eating meat.

"Rabbit, you gotta try some of this, G." Sam said handing Callen a plate.

The situation was entirely familial, gathered around a small table eating a meal, it didn't get much better than that.

* * *

Kensi woke up in the middle of the night in a sweat, frantically gasping for air. The cold, unfamiliar surroundings did little to help her get her bearings back as she sat up on the bed.

"Hey, it's okay, just a nightmare." Deeks said in a hushed tone having rushed to her side immediately to check if she was alright.

"Yeah... just a nightmare." Kensi repeated, yet it didn't allay the very real fears she had while dreaming.

"Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?" Deeks asked, careful not to wake the others up as spoke to her.

"No." Kensi replied, thankful that he couldn't see her face. She quickly wiped the tears away with her hand.

"Okay, that's okay, shhh, it's okay, whatever it was, it's over now okay?" Deeks said soothingly stroking a hand through her hair as he held her close to him.

Kensi clenched ahold of his shirt, trying desperately to hold herself together. "Come on, try going back to sleep, we got a big day tomorrow." Deeks said, slowly lying back with her on the bed. "You're staying here?" Kensi asked, surprised by the gesture. "Of course I am, now close your eyes." He replied, continuing to stroke his hand through her hair as she lay her head down on his chest.

"Sidorov?" Deeks asked quietly, not wanting to push her too much to talk about it.

"Yes." Kensi replied, knowing that he wouldn't ask her anymore questions. It was a lie, but it was certainly easier than telling her partner that she had just dreamt about him being with another woman.

"I'm still here." Deeks said soothingly, "I'm not going anywhere." He said, kissing her on the forehead not knowing the amount of comfort she got out of hearing those words.

"Promise?" Kensi said, wrapping her arm around his waist, pulling him impossibly closer to her.

"Promise." Deeks said.

* * *

"How did you end up there?" Sam asked noticing immediately that Deeks wasn't in his own bed when they woke up the next morning.

"My fault, I was freezing." Deeks said, immediately covering up for Kensi. He didn't want her to feel any embarrassment over last night. "Callen doesn't sleep, he was over there practicing his Russian, and well you aren't exactly the most inviting bed partner, no offense." Deeks said. "Kensi was asleep so I figured I'd risk it." Deeks shrugged.

"You're right, I would have shot you." Sam replied, not bothering to tease Deeks about it as he got out of bed. Kensi was still fast asleep and Deeks didn't have the heart to wake her just yet.

"Ahhh, those beds are awful, my back is killin' me." Sam complained stretching his arms up high above his head.

"Tell me about it, like sleeping on damn concrete." Deeks replied, playing right along with the subject change. "Do you know exactly what it is we're doing today?" Deeks asked, extracting himself from underneath his partner without waking her.

"Nope, that's the beauty of training though, expect the unexpected." Sam replied.

"Great." Deeks replied.

* * *

"Alright you know the drill, get in, get out, no civilian casualties, let's go." Callen said ushering the team towards the building for their first training exercise.

Deeks and Kensi took the back entrance while Sam and Callen took the front. They were tasked with clearing a house, a rather routine exercise that they had all completed numerous times. Yet they approached it clinically, they worked methodically to clear the area and complete the task in record time.

"Nice job." Callen said, congratulating his team after the successful mission.

"Nice shot with the yellow vest guy, Deeks." Sam said, removing his own tactical vest.

"Thanks, nice job with the green vest guy, Sayoc?" Deeks asked.

"Actually, yeah. I gotta teach you that move sometime." Sam replied, smiling at Deeks, appreciating the fact that he had remembered the name of the technique he had used.

"You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you two just gave each other a compliment." Callen said, smirking as he watched his partner's facial expression change.

"Hey Kens, you alright?" Deeks asked, his partner had been notably quiet.

"I'm fine." Kensi replied, picking up her gear as they began the journey to the debriefing. "I'm just tired, that's all." She replied, immediately covering up for her mistake in using 'fine' with Deeks.

"If you say so." Deeks replied, eyeing her sceptically.

* * *

The debriefing had been uneventful, all of those involved in the exercise were invited to a gathering later in the day.

Deeks found Kensi talking to some of the other agents involved in the training exercise. There were a number of agencies partaking in the activities, including the CIA's own Sabatino. God, Deeks hated that guy. The smug smile on his face, the fancy suit, the suave voice, it made him sick.

Deeks watched as Kensi laughed at what he could only assume was a joke Sabatino had told. Seeing Kensi's face light up when talking to another man sent daggers into Deeks' chest. However, the last straw came when Sabatino kissed Kensi on the cheek.

Kensi caught a glimpse of Deeks out of the corner of her eye as he rushed off, bumping into another agent in his haste to leave. Kensi excused herself from Sabatino and headed after Deeks.

"Deeks, wait up" Kensi yelled, trying to catch up to him. "Deeks!"

The second call seemed to get through to him and he turned around to face her. "What?" He asked.

"Why did you rush off like that?" Kensi asked.

"Look, I get it, you were trying to make me jealous, I just can't believe that you would stoop that low!" Deeks said.

"What? You think I was trying to make you jealous? Deeks, I didn't even know that you were there!" Kensi replied.

"Bullshit, you knew that I would come to find you, that's why you were flirting with him!"

"I wasn't flirting with him!"

"Bullshit."

"Deeks, what part of I love you don't you understand?" Kensi said running a hand through her hair in frustration. "I don't get it, first you tell me you don't want to be with me, that it's too soon, then you tell me not to wait for you, now you're angry at me because he kissed me on the cheek? What the hell, Deeks? What am I supposed to do?"

"Why don't you go be with Mr CIA?" Deeks said bitterly, turning to leave, but she spun him around again.

"I don't want to be with Sabatino, Deeks."

"You sure? I mean we're barely even partners?" Deeks said, quoting her exact words to Sabatino the last time they worked together.

"What?" Kensi said, thoroughly confused by his statement.

"Oh you don't remember saying that to him the last time you two worked together?" Deeks said.

"Oh my god, you think I actually meant that?" Kensi asked.

"Well it looked like you did back there." Deeks replied.

"I can't believe you're being like this..." Kensi said shaking her head.

"Yeah, well I bet you're glad you're not with me now huh?" Deeks replied.

"Okay, I see what you're doing now." Kensi said. "You're trying to test me? Seeing if I'm going to walk away from you right now. Well newsflash Deeks, I'm not going anywhere, despite how much you try to push me away I'm still going to be here, and you know why? Because I love you, and nothing is going to change that." Kensi said, pushing past him to enter inside the cabin but Deeks caught her arm and turned her around. Kensi felt her back being pressed against the door of the cabin as Deeks leaned into her, kissing her with everything he had.

Deeks reached down to open the door to the cabin without breaking the kiss. Once inside his hands roamed up and down her body, his tongue entering inside her mouth.

"What about Sam and Callen?" Kensi said breathlessly as Deeks moved his lips to her neck, leaving a trail of kisses.

"You're right, we should stop." Deeks said reluctantly removing his lips from her skin.

"Deeks, what does this mean?" Kensi asked softly, staring into his eyes, his face mere inches away from her own as he held her close to him.

"I guess it took seeing you with someone else to make me realize how much of an idiot I was for letting you go that night..." Deeks said, brushing her hair from her face. "Kens, I love you." Deeks said, planting another kiss on her lips before abruptly stepping away from her as he heard the approaching voices of Sam and Callen.

"Hey Deeks, everything okay?" Sam asked, immediately noticing the intense eye-contact that Kensi and Deeks were sharing.

"Yeah, great, everything is great." Deeks repeated, making a beeline for the door as he mumbled something about getting firewood.

"What's up with him?" Sam asked Kensi who just shrugged, unable to string a sentence together after what Deeks had just said. "I'm gonna go help him." Kensi said, heading out after him barely able to contain the smile on her face.

"What the hell was that?" Callen asked his partner.

"I have no idea." Sam replied.

* * *

"So does this mean that we can finally be together, together?" Kensi asked, approaching Deeks as he bent over to collect some firewood.

"Only if that's what you still want? I mean, I was a total idiot before, I wouldn't blame you for saying no." Deeks said.

"Yeah, you were an idiot before." Kensi said, hitting him on the arm. "But you're my idiot." Kensi said, conveying to him in no uncertain terms that she wanted it too.

"Oh I am huh?" Deeks said, loving the sound of it.

"Yeah." Kensi said, fighting the urge to kiss him, knowing that it really wasn't the proper environment.

"Do you know how hard it's going to be to keep my hands off you for the rest of this training exercise?" Deeks whispered into her ear as he passed by her to pick up some more firewood. Kensi shivered at both the sound of his voice and the way his breath felt against her ear. "Yeah well, just look forward to getting back home." Kensi replied, not letting him get the last word in. "Oh and Deeks, try to uh control your wood." Kensi said smirking as she walked off. Deeks looked down at the wood he had dropped on the ground. He knew he was in over his head with her, but he loved it.


	14. Chapter 12

Finally, here it is the last chapter. Thank you so much to everyone for sticking with me. Sorry this took so long to update. As always, enjoy :)

* * *

****Three Days Later****

"Hey gorgeous how'd you sleep?" Deeks asked, walking up behind Kensi and quickly giving her a peck on the cheek. They were finally alone, standing just outside the cabin.

"Really, Deeks?" Kensi said, somewhat bemused by his display of affection.

"What? I've been waiting two whole hours to do that, ever since we woke up." Deeks replied, a mischievous grin already forming on his face as he spun her around.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, you know what else I've been waiting to do?" Deeks asked, his arms encircling her body, pulling her closer to him.

"What's that?" Kensi said, unable to contain her smile.

"This." Deeks said, leaning in to kiss her lips but at the last-minute he decided to change his course and kiss her on the cheek.

"You are such an ass." Kensi said punching him in the arm.

"Ow! What was that for?" Deeks said, rubbing his soon to be bruised arm. Despite the large puffy jacket he still felt the force behind her punch.

"You know exactly what that was for, quit messing with me." Kensi said, leaning in to kiss him this time, properly, on the lips.

"Mmmmm sorry." Deeks mumbled against her lips.

They were slowly making their way to the training exercise, stopping every so often to make the most of their isolation from Sam and Callen. Despite his relaxed demeanour Kensi knew that Deeks was reluctant to partake in their latest exercise.

"Oh come on, he's harmless." Kensi said, knowing that Deeks was uneasy about working with Sabatino.

"What? He wants a piece of you, he's not harmless, you're just too blind to see it." Deeks replied.

"Seriously?" Kensi said, her hands drifting to her hips as she gave Deeks a questioning glare.

"What? It's true."

"You are so jealous." Kensi said, her lips cracking into a smile at Deeks' overreaction.

"And you aren't when I'm around other women?" Deeks smirked knowing exactly how Kensi acted when he flirted with other women. "How about when I was with Monica huh?" Deeks teased, however, upon seeing Kensi's eyes narrow he chose to drop it. "That is a terrible example." Deeks said quickly scrambling to recover.

"We've got a mission, Deeks. Let's go." Kensi said, pulling away from him.

Deeks immediately picked up on the anger in her tone, reaching out for her hand and lightly tugging her back to him. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have brought up Monica, it was a stupid thing to do, I know it hurt you, me being with her and all." Deeks said.

"Deeks, it wasn't you being with her that hurt me it was the fact that you didn't tell me you were working undercover." Kensi sighed, disappointed that Deeks had still yet to grasp that fact.

* * *

"Hurry up and get over here." Sam said, ushering Kensi and Deeks to get into the group huddle at the beginning of the exercise.

"Kens I'm sorry." Deeks said, catching up to her.

"Don't worry about that just concentrate on this." She replied, refusing to look at him.

"Alright we gotta partner up, 3 people each, clear the rooms." Sam said taking the lead for the mission.

"Got it." Deeks said, his enthusiasm for the task instantly waning once he saw Sabatino gravitate towards his partner's side. "Are you kidding me?" Deeks muttered under his breath putting on a fake smile as he greeted Sabatino.

"Hey man." Sabatino said, extending his hand to Deeks.

"Hey." Deeks replied.

"This is going to be great, you mind if I take the lead?" Sabatino asked.

Deeks immediately felt Kensi's eyes on him, silently communicating for him to bow down on this occasion. "Sure, go ahead." Deeks replied, once again smiling. Kensi let out a relieved sigh, clearly trying to play peacekeeper.

"Deeks you cover our backs, we'll go in ahead of you since we're more experienced." Sabatino said.

Who the hell did this guy think he was? He had effectively partnered himself up with Kensi and relegated him to being the supporting player. "Whatever you say, boss." Deeks replied, bitterness heavy in his voice. Kensi gave him a sympathetic look yet followed after Sabatino.

"Okay, Kensi let's go." Sabatino said, placing his arm around Kensi's waist for a few seconds to signal that they should get moving. The gesture didn't go unnoticed by Deeks, who glared at the back of Sabatino's head, fighting the urge to shoot him.

Sabatino and Kensi burst through the doors, clearing out the targets while Deeks was largely left out of the action.

"Nice shot." Sabatino said congratulating Kensi. "You get the next one like that and I'm buying you dinner." Sabatino said. Kensi politely offered a smile, hoping that Deeks hadn't heard.

"Let's go." Sabatino said, patting Kensi lightly on the thigh to signal that they needed to move. Deeks was fuming, his concentration momentarily stinted allowing their opponents the opportunity to take a shot. The bright yellow paint bullet squirted on Deeks' chest, wedging itself firmly in the vest.

Sabatino and Kensi went ahead with clearing the rooms while Deeks was left out of the exercise.

* * *

"Deeks, what the hell happened in there?" Sam asked, astounded that the team had lost a member on their way to completing the mission.

"I don't know." Deeks replied, removing his vest and throwing it down on to the table.

Sam pulled him into the corner of the room. "You sure about that? Because these are all recorded for training purposes, we're all going to watch this in half an hour unless you give me a reason not to." Sam said, giving Deeks an opportunity to explain himself.

Deeks sat down on the chair, burying his head in his hands. "What happened?" Sam said, taking a seat beside him.

"I lost it." Deeks said. "I can't stand that guy, Sam."

"He's a pain in the ass but we still gotta work together."

"I know it's just... he really rubbed me the wrong way in there."

"What'd he say?"

"It's not what he said..."

"Oh?"

"He kept hitting on Kensi." Deeks confessed.

"Oh..."

"It's stupid, I know, I shouldn't have let that affect my performance."

"Hey, you were looking out for your partner."

"No, I was being a jealous idiot." Deeks said, disappointed in himself, knowing that Kensi would be pissed off at him.

"It's hard." Sam said, leaning closer to Deeks so that they wouldn't be overheard. "It's not easy transitioning from a partnership to a relationship." Sam said, watching as Deeks' eyes widened. "Come on Deeks, it's obvious, those looks you were giving each other last night, you weren't fooling anyone."

Deeks chuckled at Sam's words, their secret didn't exactly last very long.

"I think it's a good thing that this happened here and not out in the field, because this gives you a chance to work it out. You gotta learn to leave everything at home because the second you bring things to work, it could cost you your life, like it did today." Sam said, patting Deeks on the shoulder as he stood up.

Deeks nodded his head showing that he understood what Sam was saying.

"Look, I'll get Callen to make the footage disappear." Sam offered. "You go talk to Kensi."

* * *

"Hey." Deeks said, finding Kensi back at the cabin.

"Hey." She replied, hugging him as soon as he stepped inside the door. "What if that was real, Deeks? I can't lose you"

"I know."

"What did Sam have to say?" Kensi asked, knowing that Sam was furious about the exercise.

"He uh was actually pretty good about it."

"Really?"

"Yeah..." Deeks said, leading her to sit down on the bed. "Kens, this is harder than I thought it would be..." Deeks confessed.

"What do you mean?"

"Us being partners and more than that at the same time, it really hit me today, well I guess it literally hit me today." Deeks joked yet dropped it upon seeing her less than impressed reaction. "I was totally out of line today and if that happened out in the field for real then I would probably be dead right now." He could see the fear in her eyes. "Kens, we gotta set a few ground rules if this is going to work."

"Okay, what exactly did you have in mind?"

"We can't bring all our baggage with us into a mission, I got hit today because I wasn't focused on the task, all I could think about was making things right with you and well you know how much I like Sabatino..." Deeks said sarcastically seeing Kensi smile in response. "I screwed up today, big time, and I promise you it won't happen again."

"Okay." She replied, squeezing his hand, leaning over and giving him a gentle kiss on the lips.

Callen and Sam entered inside the cabin a few seconds later. While Kensi attempted to pull her hand away from Deeks he responded by gripping it tighter. Kensi gave him a questioning look.

"You two good?" Sam asked, his voice firm, given the serious situation earlier in the day.

"We're good." Deeks said, bringing Kensi's hand up to his lips and placing a gentle kiss to the back of her hand.

"That's good to hear." Sam said, walking over to them. Deeks and Kensi both stood up together, Sam shaking Deeks' hand as Callen hugged Kensi. "It took you long enough." Callen said to both of them, the smile on his face letting them know that he approved.

"By the way don't worry about Sabatino bothering you tomorrow." Sam added for good measure.

"Oh my gosh what did you say to him?" Kensi asked, her cheeks already tinted pink by the guys discovering her relationship with Deeks.

"Oh we may have said something about you two making up." Callen said, Sam adding the exclamation point, "naked."

Kensi squeezed her eyes shut tightly in embarrassment as Deeks stood beside her laughing "I owe you one, man." Deeks said, shaking Sam's hand again.

"No problem, we're re-doing the exercise tomorrow but I have a feeling Sabatino's not gonna take part." Sam said. "But in all seriousness, we're happy for you."

"Thanks Sam." Kensi said.

"But if you start doing all the mushy love-bird stuff I will make you sleep outside." Sam said, looking towards Deeks.

"That's alright, we'd have to share body temperature to stay warm huh? Little snuggle session outside?" Deeks said jokingly, wrapping his arm around Kensi, pulling her into his side. She rolled her eyes in response, breaking free of his grasp. "Come on! Kensi! Kensi!" Deeks yelled as she walked away from him.

* * *

"This is nice huh?" Deeks whispered, the two curled up together in Kensi's bed later that night.

"Mmmm yeah." Kensi replied, burying her head further into his chest, utterly contented by the warmth radiating from him.

"You haven't had anymore nightmares since last time?" Deeks asked.

"No."

"That's good."

"Yeah, I don't think I'll be having that nightmare again anytime soon."

"No?"

"No." She said stealing another kiss from him.

"Knock it off." Sam said hurling a pillow in their direction.

Kensi and Deeks both broke into laughter.

"Oh I get it, the big guy is jealous. You want a little snuggle session huh big guy?" Deeks said, risking life and limb by jumping on top of Sam, sprawling out in a starfish pattern on top of the covers. Callen couldn't control his laughter, waiting for his partner to react.

"You have five seconds to move before I shoot you." Sam said.

Deeks quickly removed himself from the bed walking back towards Kensi. "Uh uh back to your own bed" Sam said.

"Really?" Deeks whined.

"Yep." Sam said.

"Copblocker." Deeks yelled, reluctantly getting back into his own bed.

* * *

"Ahh it's so good to be home." Deeks said dumping his bags on the floor just inside the door of his apartment.

"Tell me about it, I missed these so much." Kensi said biting into a sugary donut.

"Really? You missed the donuts?" Deeks asked, shaking his head.

Kensi shrugged her shoulders, eating the rest of the donut in the next bite.

"You want to go surf don't you?" Kensi said, watching as Deeks' eyes drifted outside the window.

"Is it that obvious?" Deeks said, turning to face her.

"You were only staring out at the ocean the entire ride over here." Kensi said, wrapping her arms around him.

"You know I haven't been surfing for months... since you know..." Deeks' voice trailed off.

"Really? Why not?" Kensi asked, trying to get him to look at her.

"Never really felt like it, I guess." Deeks replied, drawing his eyes away from the floor to look into Kensi's.

"But you do now?" Kensi asked, smiling at the progress Deeks was making.

"Yeah." Deeks confessed.

"Well let's go then." Kensi replied, breaking away from him.

"There's hardly any daylight left."

"So then let's not waste time talking, go get your board." Kensi said, wanting to capitalize on Deeks' inspiration before the moment passed.

* * *

Kensi sat on the beach watching him ride the waves, although he was too far out to see his expression she could tell by his body language that he was happy, probably grinning like an idiot. It was a full hour before he came in.

"How was that?" Kensi asked.

"Amazing!" Deeks said, throwing his board down beside her. He unzipped his wetsuit, pulling it down to his torso, lightly drying his hair with a towel before sitting down beside her, the sun just beginning to set.

Kensi lay her head on his shoulder, a contented smile gracing her lips as she stared out into the ocean.

"What are you thinking about?" Deeks asked, noticing the far away look in her eyes.

"I dunno... nothing much. Just thinking about the last time I sat here so happy." Kensi confessed.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah... I came here to read my dad's old sniper journal after everything that happened..." Kensi's voice trailed off refusing to speak the name of the man responsible for her father's demise.

Deeks wrapped his arm around her, kissing her lightly on the forehead. "What did it say?"

"It was mostly operational stuff but he wrote some letters to me in it..."

Deeks smiled, waiting for her to tell him in her own time. "He told me that home is wherever I am..." Kensi said fighting the emotion building up within her. Deeks laced their fingers together waiting for her to continue. "I guess now, home to me is whenever I'm with you." Kensi said shyly looking down at their interlocked fingers.

Deeks smiled at her confession, knowing that it had taken a lot for her to tell him that. He gently tilted her chin, forcing her to look up at him. "Same goes for me, princess. I love you." Deeks said, slowly leaning in and kissing her on the lips.


End file.
